


The Curious Case of the Two Dirk Gentlys

by Notmarysue



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Detectives, Gen, Mystery, Post-Canon, Post-Project Blackwing (Dirk Gently), Post-Season/Series 02, Project Blackwing (Dirk Gently), Science Fiction & Fantasy, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-03-20 19:38:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 56
Words: 45,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13724589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notmarysue/pseuds/Notmarysue
Summary: A supernatural robbery across the ocean, an ex-Blackwing test subject, and the origins of Dirk's name. Could these three things possibly be connected? Of course they could. Everything is.





	1. The Phone Call

The loch ness monster proved to be a disappointment. That was the lesson Todd took away from  
their latest case. It had started with a sighting of the legendary Scottish creature vacationing in the  
Mississippi and ended with the divorce of two high profile politicians. The case itself was their usual  
brand of insanity. The suspected sighting however turned out to be a rather lost and distressed  
giraffe who'd wandered into the muddy river. It had since been returned to its rightful owner and  
Todd's monster bucket list remained incomplete.

Life within the agency was going great. Two whole months had passed since Wendimoor and  
absolutely nobody had tried to murder them. They had their office, they had each other, and for  
the first time in a very long time they even had disposable income. Life was good. They'd listened  
to the universe and at last the universe was rewarding them.

"Dirk, do you want me to file this under complete animal cases or complete family cases?" Todd  
called above the noise of the ringing phone. People had such a rude habit of trying to contact him  
at the most inconvenient times. He could have nothing to do for hours and they'd be complete  
silence, yet the moment he tried to work the little red landline would ring in protest.

"Animal." Dirk called back from the next room. He was distracted; already on the hunt for a new  
case. Newspapers were stacked from floor to ceiling, some brought, some borrowed, none  
containing anything of interest.

"But the affair was the majority of the case." Todd protested.

"But the giraffe was the trigger event. The trigger event is always the most significant, Todd."  
Dirk clarified with a momentary glance up from his latest newspaper. Todd knew he probably  
wasn't reading it, not properly. Dirk's new glasses meant that he could at least see the black and  
white pages but that didn't mean he was paying any attention. The average article had about a  
paragraph to catch his attention. After that he glazed over and day dreamed for the socially  
acceptable amount of time. "Can you get that please?"  
"What? Oh the phone." Todd had almost drowned it out. He dived towards it and placed it against  
his ear before he could straighten himself out again. "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency.  
Cases solved with arguable efficiency."

"Dirk? Finally, I've been trying to get hold of you for hours. Did you change your slogan?" The  
voice of a Scottish man crackled on the other end of the line. The first thing Todd noticed wasn't  
the accent, it was the static. He was used to hearing static just like it from long distant calls with  
Amanda. It was never normally so strong though. How far was this man calling from? Not all the  
way from Scotland surely.

"No. That's been our slogan for the last two months." Todd replied, ignoring the static, ignoring  
the familiarity that the man addressed him with.

"I like it. Short, precise. Not to mention considerably more accurate." The man complemented.

"Anyway I know you've been looking for a new case."

"Todd, look at this." Dirk shouted excitedly. He must have found an article that interested him.  
Then came a loud and distressing squawk that cut straight through the thin walls. Perhaps it was a  
little more urgent than an article.

"I'm sorry could you hold on for a few seconds?" Todd asked the man, though he didn't wait for a  
reply. He cupped his hand over the receiver and turned his attention to Dirk. "What's going on?"  
He saw it way before he saw Dirk: a large bald eagle perched on his best friend’s right arm. Its  
talons tore straight through his jacket and into his skin. Dirk didn't seem to react. In fact he was  
smiling. Either he was so excited he couldn't feel it or he simply didn't care.

"Our last client has left us a gift." Dirk grinned. 

"A gift?" Todd spotted a pink tag hanging from the bird's leg. He sighed. A simple box of  
chocolate or some flowers would suffice. "Dirk we can't keep the eagle."

"Well we can't send it back." Dirk argued. "There's no receipt."

"We can call animal control once I've finished with this client." Todd told him before returning to  
his call.

"Fine. Fine." He muttered. He left the room calmly, taking the staring eagle out with him.  
"Sorry about that." Todd apologised.

"Don't worry about it. Anyway, this case. I've got this friend, Victoria. Nice lady, little odd.  
Recently she's noticed things in her house disappearing. First pens, cutlery, bits and bobs you can  
leave around. Now though it's getting ridiculous. Yesterday her television went. Televisions aren't  
exactly easy to misplace." The Scottish man explained.

"It still sounds a little basic. Maybe it's just...a really slow burglary." Shrugged Todd. His attention  
was far too focused on Dirk's new pet to care much about the stranger.

"That's the thing. All of these things disappeared while she or someone close to her was in the house.

They'll turn around and 'puff' gone." The man continued with a surprising amount of calm. The  
case of the vanishing appliances (a working title) didn't seem to faze him at all.

"Okay now that's interesting." Todd nodded.

"I knew you'd like it." The man proudly announced.

"If we could just get a full name and address-" Todd's train of thought was interrupted by a vile  
screech and an all too familiar yell. Clearly the eagle had become bored and, having realised that  
digging into Dirk's arm wasn't gaining any attention, had opted to make a more dramatic scene.

"Todd, help." Cried Dirk as he tried to swat the vicious creature away from his face.

"I'm sorry is this case an emergency?" Asked Todd.

"Well...not really no." The man replied.

"Call back in an hour." Todd told him before slamming the phone down. He sprinted out of the  
office, emergency broom in hand, and engaged in battle with the enraged bird. He knew they  
should to make the old saying a rule, 'never work with children or animals'.


	2. Taking the Case

It was a whole team effort to contain the eagle. The boys eventually managed to back it into a corner (at the cost of much of their furniture) but there wasn't a lot they could do from there. They found themselves in a Mexican standoff. They couldn't move forward lest the vile creature scratch them both to death; it couldn't fly away without bumping straight into the wall. Stalemate.

  
The girls, on the other hand, faired far better. They came back with bundles of groceries in their hands, saw the battle unfolding in front of them, and didn't even bother asking questions. Questions were often a waste of time and rarely yielded helpful answers. Instead Mona found herself dropping her bags, allowing cans of soup and several loose oranges to spill out onto the floor, and before anyone could even think about suggesting calling an expert they found themselves in a room with a fully grown tiger. The eagle stopped fighting back instantly. A minute or two later the tiger was gone and Mona had formed a solid iron cage. The eagle didn't argue.

  
"Dirk, how did an eagle get in here?" Asked Farah as she pulled him off the floor by his shoulder.

  
"It was a gift, a client sent it." He replied as he brushed the dust off the shelves of his now completely ruined jacket.

  
"A box of chocolates would have been fine." She muttered.

  
"I know right?" Declared Todd. He rummaged through his desk draws for the first aid kit. There had to be some bandages or at the very least some plasters they could put on their scratches. Dirk didn't seem to mind much about the gashes on his skin. His mind had already completely switched gears. He strode over to the phone energetically and threw his tattered jacket to the side. He went to take a seat but quickly noticed it wasn’t in its usual spot. Todd has pushes it clear in a panic. Dirk could have pulled it back with ease. Of course, that wouldn't have been very Dirk of him. Instead he sat down in the wheelie chair half away across the room and scooted over with his stinging legs.

  
"Dirk? What are you doing? Get back here, you're hurt." Todd ordered.

  
"It's fine. It's only blood." Dirk waved off. "Does anyone know how to dial back on this thing?"

  
Todd sighed. He slumped over and pressed the dial back button. Dirk nodeed and smiled  
gratefully. All of a sudden Todd felt considerably better.

The phone barely rang twice before the man picked up. There was a sharp click and the voice of  
an extremely flustered man. Our client, Dirk presumed.

"Victoria?" Asked the man.

"Um, no. It's Dirk." Dirk replied awkwardly.

"Ah, Dirk. Of course." He muttered. "Dirk, you need to get over here. Things are getting out of  
hand. I can't say for sure but I'm pretty sure there was a bed here this morning that's completely  
gone now. I'd go to the police but...well you know."

"I certainly do." Oh boy did he. Dirk had never particularly got along with the police, especially  
considering he could often do their job better than them. There were a few he could quite happily  
made friends with, Tina and Hobbs still phoned on a nearly weekly basis, but the rest either got in  
his way, thought he was stupid, or both.

"I'll meet you in Watford. It's not far from London. There's a cafe there where I can talk to you in  
person. Victoria has a thing about phones." The man explained.

"Watford? Like in England?" Asked Todd, leaning over Dirk to get to the phone.

"Of course. Where else would I mean?" The man laughed, seeming not picking up on the  
difference in voice.

  
"Hardly." The man snorted. "Look if it's a money problem that's keeping you I'll reimburse you  
when we meet." He continued.

  
"Well..." Todd's voice trailed off as he weighed up the pros and cons of travelling across the  
ocean on the whim of a stranger. Unfortunately, weighing u p the pros and cons wasn't the holistic  
way.

  
"We'll be happy to take on your case." Dirk announced. "Give us a few days and we'll be there to  
fix everything." Well fix was probably the wrong word. Understand everything? Look into  
everything? Look into everything was probably the most accurate.

  
"Dirk, you can't just up sticks and go to England." Whispered Todd.

  
"Why not? We have nothing on the go here." Rationalised Dirk.

"We'll probably be okay for a week or so. Thanks for your help, Dirk." Said the stranger. Before  
Dirk could utter the words 'you're welcome' there was a loud thud followed by the cry of what  
sounded like a small infant. This time it wasn't the office being destroyed. Instead it was the minds  
turn to deal with the universe's games. "I've got to go. I'll see you soon."

The man the hung up almost immediately leaving Dirk to frantically note down the few solid facts  
he had. He'd never been to Watford and he had absolutely no idea how to get there. He did know  
London though. He lived there when he was very young. He was whipped away pretty quickly  
but before America he and his mother went there for family at Christmas. If he could get there he  
could work his way across the whole of England if need be.

"Pack your things, Todd. We're going on holiday." A leisure free holiday in which everyone  
would be working.

"Five star hotel, first class flight, all expenses paid?" Todd asked playfully.

"Um, three star hotel, some expenses paid, if we really stretch we could just about afford business  
class." Answered Dirk.

"I'll see if I can find the suitcase.” Laughed Todd before heading towards the attic. Why Watford of all places? Were there no detectives in England? Stupid question. Lack of detectives wasn't the problem; it was the lack of detectives like Dirk. There was only one of him. It didn't matter in the end. Todd welcomed the break. America held too much chaos and conspiracy. England was much smaller, how weird could it get?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun but non-important fact: in the paper draft I accidentally spelt Mona as Moana and now Moana totally has holistic powers in my mind. I mean she interacts with the ocean. The universe must like her.


	3. Project Marzanna

When it came to nightmares Mr Priest and ordinary people had two widely differing definitions. Most people had terrors of death and violence. These were both things that Priest revelled in. Priest had lived his nightmare and lived it well. Redundancy. He'd been pushed out of the hot mess that was Blackwing 1.0 and found himself in a Hellish state of retirement full of crosswords and gardening. Now at last he'd awoken and was back in employment where he belonged. He strode with pride through the corridors of Blackwing 2.0, fire in his heart and plans in his mind, and felt a sinking feeling as his boss emerged with a tray of food.

"You know we have people who can take that for you?" asked Priest, gesturing at the tray which appeared to carry two Chinese takeout containers. He couldn't help but feel the food failed to match up with dietary recommendations. Of course, they had both tried to work the regulations out. It was just regulations had never been their forte. After hours of head scratching they decided that as long as they had microwaves and takeout menus they'd all survive.

"I know." Ken shrugged off.

"Is that second container for you?" he grumbled.

"What? Oh yeah, I promised Bart I'd eat it with her today. She gets bored if I leave her alone too long and you can imagine what happens then." Ken explained.

"I worry about how close you are to Project Marzanna, Sir." Priest commented.

"She only came to us because we're friends, Mr Priest. This Chinese is the only thing standing between this facility and disaster." Ken justified.

"I could control her if need be, Sir." Priest scowled defensively.

"No you couldn't, Priest, you never could." Ken told him bluntly. Without further comment he barged past with the two piping hot meals. If he really wanted to Priest could block his path with ease. He did no such thing. It wasn't worth it. Ken, Supervisor Adams, was still new to the wonderful worth of underground experimentation. He would learn soon enough. Oh yes, he would learn.

Bart Curtish, known throughout the forever on edge facility as Project Marzanna, had spent the last two months locked in the most secure room they could find for her. In fact, it wasn't technically a room at all. It was a re-purposed vault. It wasn't really necessary, Bart was there entirely by choice. She'd shown up at the door of an observation van, signed every contract they'd handed her, and put up absolutely no resistance since the day she arrived. Still the facility was nervous. Just days after the Battle of Wendimoor Project Marzanna, widely considered one of the most dangerous subjects ever catalogued, had returned home without a fight. They were scared, they were suspicious, and they weren't taking any risks.

Ken reached the heavy metal doors and watched as they slide over, cutting Bart's painted on symbol clean in half. Inside the sterilised room sat little more than a bed and desk. There she sat under a single light. Ken always found it strange that she sat on the cold floor instead of the chair they provided. Electricity jumped from bulb to bulb like wildfire, illuminating the entire room. Ken walked in, stepping over hundreds of colouring pages each scribbled on in a rainbow of crayons.

"Hey Ken, which one of these say 'I'm a princess but I could totally kill you if I wanted'?" Bart smiled. She held up two crayons, one in each hand, a bright pink and a dark purple.

"Purple." he answered confidently as he placed the food down on the desk.

"Cinderella is gonna look like such a bad ass." Bart commented under her breath.

"So today's around menu tour has brought us to...spicy chicken chowmein." said Ken as he handed the container over. He grimaced. He'd never had a very high spice tolerance. Unfortunately, he was ordering by number not by a dish as part of a little game proposed by Bart. With Blackwing's newly found funding and only one subject to spend it on Ken could afford for him and Bart to try everything on the menu, one day at a time, in order.

"Awesome." grinned Bart. She started wolfing it down without any regard for the spice. "So how are you?"

"Tired." Ken sighed. "and extremely bored when I'm not with you."

"You find Dirk yet?" she asked calmly.

"Finding him isn't the problem. It's getting him to come in. His friends are vicious." He almost thought they were more vicious than some of the ex-Blackwing subjects. He found Icarus with ease, his address was plastered all over the Internet and his number was in every phone book. Getting to him, however, was an entirely different matter. Farah and Todd were the best guard dogs he'd ever seen, Mona could turn into any weapon she wished, and then there was the ever present threat of the Rowdy 3 showing up to pummel him into the ground.

"Do you want me to kill him?" Bart asked without even the slightest change in tone.

"No, we kind of need him alive." Ken grumbled.

"Are you ever going to let me kill anyone?" she continued miserably.

"We're urr...working on that. The CIA is kind of hesitant about having a civilian killing for them." Ken explained.

"I'm not a civilian. I'm Project Marzanna." she announced proudly. Ken cringed. He was used to hearing Bart's name substituted with the clinical 'Project Marzanna', it was in every file and the whispers in the corridors, but something about her addressing herself that way made him sick to his stomach.

"Icarus isn't that important anyway. We've got other projects to deal with." Ken sighed.

"Other projects?" Bart scowled.

"Old projects, old projects." Ken clarified.

"Good. 'Cause that deal still stands you know?" she pointed out.

"Yeah I know." he nodded. Wherever he went he held their deal in the back of his mind. No new projects. It wasn't a solid deal like the contracts that they'd both sighed in triplicate. It was a private deal, an agreement between friends. He could bring the original projects if he had to, if that was really where the universe, was leading them, but under no circumstances would there be a new project. No one else would get hurt because of Blackwing.

"And I will kill you if you break it." she reminded him. 

"I believe you." he chuckled nervously. "Forget the other projects. I got something for you."

From his pocket Ken retrieved a small white MP3 player with matching wire headphones, He handed it over and watched as she fumbled with the headphones. After a few seconds she worked it out and carefully placed the plugs in her ears.

"Go on, press play." he laughed. Bart loyally obeyed. A joyful smile spread across the face as the music began to play. Most people would think of it as just another pop song, some might have been able to identify it was Backstreet Boys' 'As Long as You Love Me', but to Bart it was their song. It was the song on the radio the day he sung to her. And he had smiled, that beautiful smile that told her he wasn't afraid anymore. Many things had changed since that day, for better and worse. Mostly worse. Yet even after everything that smile stayed the same. As long as it stayed unaltered she knew she was safe. Ken wasn't afraid and neither was she.


	4. England

It was always a surprise to everyone at the agency that a bumbling mess such as Dirk could organise himself so efficiently when it came to a case. Two days after they took the call tickets were booked, bags were packed, and Todd and Dirk were on their way to England.

The plane ride was awful; full of turbulence and screaming babies. Unfortunately, Dirk failed to account for the fact that Todd was terrified of the flying. For eight hours Dirk found himself talking his close friend through several successive panic attacks. Eventually he fell asleep and hours laters the plane landed safely in the dead of night.

Another little surprise about Dirk was that despite spending most of his adult life in cheap hotels he was still incredibly excited by them. They halled themselves up in the nearest Premier Inn they could find and tried to get themselves comfortable. They tried to present themselves as a normal, sane pair but that was difficult to do with Dirk's goofy grin. As Todd unpacked Dirk jumped on the bed like a small child.

"This is great. Isn't this great, Todd?" Dirk shouted between bounces.

"Yep, the greatest. Could you stop that please?" Todd asked as he carefully placed their folded shirts into the bed side draw.

"I haven't solved a case anywhere near London since I was five." He remembered fondly as he flopped back first onto the bed.

"Wait really?" Todd glanced over. Dirk rarely spoke of his childhood. In fact, Todd couldn't think of a single time he'd heard anything about life before Blackwing.

"Ahuh. The case of the disappearing red crayon. Turns out Jimmy took it." He continued.

"Right." Todd laughed.

"He was quite a thief little Jimmy. In the short time I was at school with him he stole five crayons, one doll, two toy cars, and a laptop containing personality information on our teacher's entire family." Dirk recalled.

"Um...okay then." Said Todd. He sat down on his bed and decided it was probably better not to continue the conversation.

"Todd, do you think it's weird that we've been called on an international case at such short notice?" Dirk asked curiously.

"Well...yeah." Todd admitted. " But then I remembered what's normal for us and that 'meh'."

"Meh?" Dirk scoffed.

"Yeah. Very meh." Todd laughed. "Maybe we should wait until tomorrow before we decide what's weird or not."

"Right, tomorrow. Right now it's just a perfectly normal night." Dirk assured himself.

"Remember. Nothing can be weirder than Wendimoor." Todd pointed out.

"Prrft certainly not." He smiled. "Good night, Todd."

"Night, Dirk." Todd sighed as he flicked the lights out. He closed his eyes and silently hoped for a relatively normal case. If anything he could hope for it to stay in one dimension.


	5. Sense of Humour Failure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Positives of snow: I get more writing time.
> 
> Negatives of snow: I can't leave the house safely.

The first step to any successful case was scoping out the area. It was all very well running in head first (it could be quite interesting occasionally) but doing so had led to more near death experiences than Dirk was comfortable with. Now that he had actually had friends and somewhat of a life to lose he was eager to hang onto it. There had to be some degree of waiting before the storm inevitably hit, a few seconds just to scan the room.

Dirk and Todd entered the tiny family run cafe in dark sunglasses and leaned up against the front wall. They perceived it as casual; they were severely wrong. They didn't stay in that position for more than two minutes anyway. The lady at the counter, presumably the owner, was pretty insistent that they buy something and wouldn't stop yelling until they did so. Eager not to make a scene the pair returned back to their spot with two skinny lattes. They reluctantly admitted it looked less cool but it was better than being thrown out. Still, there they stayed, sunglasses and all, and kept an ear out for a man with a Scottish accent. Forty minutes and another skinny latte later one finally arrived.

Their client was a brown haired man who took absolutely no notice of them as he entered. Instead he headed straight to the counter, ordered himself a cup of earl grey, and sat at a corner table alone. Since there weren't many lonely Scottish men wandering around Watford they presumed (and hoped) he was their guy and slide into the chairs opposite him.

"Are you the guy?" growled Todd. He hoped it would simultaneously disguise his voice and make him sound like a bad-ass. Despite hurting his throat it succeeded at one of those things. Unfortunately, disguising his voice from a stranger (and one who was on their side anyway) was ultimately pointless.

"I'm...sorry?" the man answered uncomfortably.

"You called us at 11:44:32 am on Tuesday about a woman and a theft. Here's our card." Dirk continued in a similar grizzled voice. He slide over their 'card' which in reality was a napkin with 'Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency' and the office's phone number scribbled down in black pen.

"You took down the exact time?" grumbled Todd. 

"No, I guessed. Don't ruin this for me, Todd." Dirk whispered.

"Ah, I get it. This is a joke." the man smiled.

"Um no." Dirk replied. He glanced at Todd, hoping he would know what to do, but he just shrugged.

"You tell a man one time that he's suffering from a sense of humour failure and he spends the next five years trying to prove a point." the stranger shook his head. Before either Dirk or Todd could interject the little silver bell above the door rang once. While Todd took little notice Dirk and the client turned their attention towards the entrance. In walked a man in his late forties to early fifties. He was a tall, thin fellow with black curly hair and glasses. Despite the fact that the sky was blue and the sun was shining he wore a thick dark brown trench coat and a hat as if it was the middle of winter. Under normal circumstances they might have let him pass on by. Of course, a case could never start under normal circumstances. Instead it started with their client springing out of his chair and running towards the counter where the man stood.

"Dirk." the client called over. The curly haired man, presumably Dirk, turned around and was notably surprised by the clients presence.

"Richard." the older Dirk exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you to stop messing about and start doing your job." Richard replied bluntly.

"I never mess about, Richard, you know that. What exactly is this job I'm supposed to be starting?" he asked calmly.

"The disappearing furniture case. I called you about it on Tuesday." Richard explained.

"I haven't received any calls all week. My phone's broken." said the man.

"Well...then what are you doing here?" asked Richard.

"Do I need a reason to buy a muffin and bottle of water?" asked the man.

"Dirk." Richard growled.

"Fine. I was lost, I stopped for directions." he admitted.

"I told you to get a sat-nav." Richard sighed.

"And I told you not in a month of Sundays." the man snapped. "Who are they?" he pointed at Dirk and Todd who were staring at them through their sunglasses.

"I don't know. I presumed they were with you." Richard shrugged.

"Well..." the man tried to think of some reasonable plan of action. All he really wanted was a snack and a way home. He didn't want a mystery dumped on him. Still, adventure called. "We'll just have to find out won't we?"


	6. File Rainforest

This list of things that Supervisor Adams was supposed to be doing was endless. The list of things he could actually do was considerably shorter. All the data Wilson wanted was for test subjects they didn't have. They hadn't been reprimanded for their lack of progress yet but Ken knew it was only a matter of time before they would be. Their priority had to be on recollecting their projects, any projects, and quickly.

"This is getting ridiculous. Incubus is six strong and jumping state to state, Lamia and Icarus have teamed up for some reason, and Moloch...man I don't even know. How are we supposed to rebuild Blackwing with all this...nonsense going on?" Complained Ken.

"Back in my day we chased these freaks all over the world." Said Priest.

"Back in your day these 'freaks' were children." Ken retorted. Perhaps Riggins had a point when he opted not to bring anyone in over the age of fifteen. They couldn't move around that much. At least they could normally bet on projects staying in one universe.

Ken waded through the pile upon pile of files. Absolutely nothing from the original project had been digitised, leaving him with an entire rainforest's worth of paper. There were the floppy disks of course but they were slow and unreliable. Ken would happily take the paper files any day.

From under the choas Ken received a large brown envelope containing their surveillance team's latest discoveries. For some reason Wilson wouldn't allow any updates to be sent over email. Ken rationalised that it was to avoid the risk of leaks. Then again it could have just been one of those things. It was best not to ask too many questions.

"I'm pretty sure there's an entire roll of cello-tape on here. I'm going to need a pair of scissors just to get it open." Said Ken as he wrestled with the envelope.

"Will this do?" Mr Priest whipped out what appeared to be a kitchen utility knife. To Ken's relief it was cool clean. The blade glistened under the glow of the orange desk lamp.

"Jesus, where did you get that?" Ken flinched.

"It's just a little something, something from home." Priest turned to him with a toothy grin. He spun the knife between his hands, by some miracle mansion not to cut himself.

"How did you get it through security?" Asked Ken. He kept his focus on the blade. He struggled to trust Priest most of the time. As soon as weapomd came into the mix his defences went up at the speed of light.

"I have my methods." Priest shrugged.

"Give me that." Ken demanded. Priest calmly stretched out his arm and handed over the knife. Ken snatched it out of his hand, split open the envelope, and shoved it into his holster. He spilled the contents onto the desk. A sea of paper cascaded onto the floor making a mess that some poor soul would inevitably have to clean up. This didn't matter too much to Ken. All he cared about was the thick booklet that flopped onto the desk. He scooped it up and started flicking through. At the start of his 'career' he would have gone through it word by word. Now he just skim read.

"No information Bel, no information on Charon. No information on anyone. Why do they insist on making a whole booklet on people we know nothing about?" Asked Ken as he turned the detail free pages.

"It's Wilson, Sir, her logic is fit for Blackwing and nowhere else." Priest sighed.

"It's pathetic." Ken snapped as he threw the booklet a side. "Two months and what have we got? Nothing. The closest we've got is Icarus, Lamia, and at a stretch Athos. I mean she's not even in our jurisdiction." 

"With a little effort we could put her in our jurisdiction." Priest informed him.

"It's not worth the effort. She's one of the lowest level projects Blackwing ever had. She's far from a priority." Said Ken.

"With all due respect, Sir, it's not her I'm interested in." Priest told him firmly. Ken squirmed and mumbles something under his breath. He turned away, refusing to make eye contact.

"No. You know the rules. We're not interfering with Athos or any aspect of her life. Not until we have some of the higher level projects back." Ken quietly replied.

"Of course, Sir, the rules." Priest grumbled bitterly.


	7. Dirk Meets Dirk

The back and forth at the counter was annoying hard to over hear. Todd's hearing was shot to pieces having spent years in crowded bars and more recently surrounded by gun fire. Dirk, however, could do a little bit better. He could pick up on tiny bits and pieces here and there. Nothing of use though. Something something job, something phone's broken, something something find out.

After finishing the conversation the man, whose name also happened to be Dirk, and Richard returned to the table. The new Dirk sat down and gently placed his hat down on my table. He stared at the two strange Americans sat across from him, looking back at him through their black sunglasses.

"Take those off." The man said calmly. Dirk and Todd instantly obeyed. They whipped the sunglasses off and threw them down on the table all while transfixed on the man. "I think there's been some sort of misunderstanding, don't you?" Todd and Dirk nodded. In the back of his mind Todd was having flashbacks to being called into the principals office in second grade. Stupid Nancy Millers and her dumb pig tails. "What are your names?"

"Todd...Brotzman." Todd went in for a handshake. The other Dirk accepted gratuitously.

"Dirk Gently. Would you like a card?" Dirk smiled nervously. He fumbled around his pockets for yet another napkin. He accidentally flicked it into the air. The group watched as it gently floated down and landed softly on the table.

"What's your real name?" The other Dirk scowled. Dirk looked to Todd for support. Had he ever willingly given his real name to anyone who wasn't a close friend? Not recently, not since he was a child. Todd nodded firmly, giving Dirk the go ahead.

"Svald Cjelli." Dirk told him

"I see...Richard is this some sort of joke or do you actually have a case for me?" The other Dirk asked.

"I'm sorry who are you?" Asked Todd. The other Dirk let out a deep sigh. Clearly his little detour was going to last much longer than he wanted.

"Svald Cjelli, better known as Dirk Gently. I'm a Holistic Detective." The other Dirk, or Svald, reluctantly introduced himself.

"Todd, it's happening. It's a cowinky dink." Dirk whispered and tugged on Todd's shirt sleeve excitedly.

"There is a case I swear." Said Richard.

"Alright, I'm game. What is it?" Svald sighed. Richard explained again the plight of Victoria, this time adding the woman's address and increasing the laundry list of missing household objects. Dirk tried to interject a few times, speculating that perhaps everything was around the back of the sofa (a treasure trove of wonders for all) but he was quickly dismissed. "Very well. I'm always open to help an innocent woman out. I'll take the case."

"Because you're actually interested or do you need the money?" Smirked Richard.

"A man can have more than one reason for doing something, Richard." Svald said firmly.

"We're helping to." Dirk suddenly insisted.

"That's really not necessary." Richard waved off.

"Dude we came here all the way from America. We're not just turning back. We can't afford to waste that much money." Said Todd.

"Besides, the universe brought us here." Dirk told the group.

"The universe brought you?" Svald smiled. As much as the stranger's presence inconvenienced him he couldn't help but be intrigued. He'd spent a lifetime trying to convince people that the universe had put them places. Richard wandered if it was possible to convince someone that it in fact hadn't.

"You can't seriously believe his guy right, Dirk?" Asked Richard.

"No no, I want to see where this is going. What makes you the universe brought you here?" Encouraged Svald.

"Well...you did you call us." Todd reminded them.

"I was trying to call Dirk...other Dirk. This is going to get confusing." Richard grumbled.

"But you didn't recognise that it wasn't my voice." Svald pointed out.

"Well...no." replied Richard.

"And you didn't find the American international code weird?" Asked Dirk.

"I did. It's just...it's Dirk. I thought maybe it was just one of his things." Richard explained.

"A me thing? Or a connection you failed to pick up on?" Asked Svald.

"I urr..." he trailed off.

"Exactly. Besides, cases have been much harder since my assistant left. Now I have two foreign exchanges right here in front of me. Get your coat, Richard, we're reforming the trio." Svald announced.

"There's four of us." Todd awkwardly pointed out.

"It's a trio of four." Svald scowled.


	8. Victoria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the name of the story is 'The Curious Case of the Two Dirk Gentlys' but I'm going to try and refer to 'other Dirk' as Svald where it makes logical sense to because otherwise it gets way too confusing. That's all my rambling for now. Happy reading.

The trio of four piled into Svald's small blue car and made hast to Victoria's little semi-detached house. They pulled up outside at around three in the afternoon. It was a perfectly regular home, a three bed room deal where very little strange activity should have been taking place. Then again normality and nonsense had a nasty tendency of mixing together like milk and honey, at least when the Dirks were involved.

"I'll knock." Said Richard. "Please try to be nice. I know you can get a little irritable sometimes-"

"Nonsense. I shall be completely neutral. This is a professional situation." Svald replied firmly.

"And we'll be here too. Just shout when you need us." Dirk smiled.

"I will. Don't you worry." Svald nodded, though what exactly he was going to with his namesake he didn't know.

Richard knocked hard on the plastic door. Multiple locks scratched and scrapped from the inside. Victoria, a golden haired, blue haired woman a little younger than Dirk, sheepishly poked her head around the corner, unsure of the strangers. That was until her eyes landed on Dirk who was stood near the back of the group alongside Todd. As soon as she saw him she flung the door open, chipping the white plastic, and pounced forward for a joyfilled hug. Svald, Richard, and Todd moved aside to allow the woman through. Dirk flinched but had almost no time to react. He simply screwed his eyes shut and let it all happen.

"Icarus." Exclaimed Victoria as she wrapped her arms around him. Having failed to brace himself the sudden push came as shock to Dirk's system. Both toppled to the ground.

"Um hello." Dirk replied with  confusion. He looked up and reopened his eyes, getting his first clear look at her face, and the puzzle pieces clicked into place. "Athos." He shouted.

"What are you doing here?" She asked as she pulled herself and him up.

"I'm solving your case." Dirk shrugged happily.

"Richard, when you said you had a detective friend I didn't think you meant Dirk." Victoria smiled.

"Neither did I." Richard muttered. Svald cleared his throat, winning back the group's attention, and stepped forward.

"Who's this?" Asked Victoria.

"He's-"

"For simplicity's sake call me Svald." Said Svald, shaking his new client's hand. "I'm the actual detective on this case."

"Right. Of course, he's Svald." Richard nodded awkwardly.

"Alright...I guess you should come in." Victoria ushered the four inside and quickly closed the door behind her. She once again locked the house up with chains, five to be exact.

"What's that for?" Asked Svald.

"I thought it might slow the thieves down." Victoria explained.

"It won't help. If Richard is right the threat is already inside the house." Svald told her.

"Neutral." Grumbled Richard.

"Right, neutral and professional." Svald waved off he drifted towards the front room. In there he found a man around the same age as Victoria flipping through a newspaper as his usual television entertainment was gone. On the floor played an infant boy, around two years old, with little tufts of blonde hair. He played with his toys without a care in the world. The supernatural going ons didn't seem to be bothering him one bit.

"Robert, these men are here to see what's happening with our house." Victoria called from a hallway.

"Are they with the police?" Asked Robert without looking up from his paper.

"No." Answered Victoria.

"Of course they're not." He mumbled to himself.

"They're just going to take a look around okay?" She asked.

"Sure. Go nuts." Robert grumbled.

Svald scanned the room, taking in as much as he could without moving from his comfortable doorway spot. Again there was nothing particularly wrong with it. There was an oddly open area at the side which he presumed had once been occupied by another sofa or some sort of table. That to was completely gone. Other than that everything was completely fine. No forced entry, no suspicious stains, nothing.

Meanwhile, as Svald was trying to make the investigation as normal as possible, Dirk wasn't holding back one bit with his little hunches. He was still hooked on the sofa idea and was more than willing to prove it. He headed to the side, trying to get the thing to budge. It wouldn't move far. It was surprisingly heavy.

"What are you doing?" Asked Robert.

"Searching behind the sofa. Just keep reading your paper." Dirk huffed as he tried to force the sofa across.

"Is this guy with you?" Robert asked to Svald who was paying very little attention to his new group.

"What? Oh yes, he's my assistant." Said Svald without looking over.

"Assistant?" Asked Richard.

"Or stalker. Who knows?" Commented Svald. "Dirk, please stop that."

"But-" Dirk protested.

"No." Svald scowled. Dirk relucantly dropped the sofa and sulked back to Todd's side.

"Maybe we should interview them. I mean if we can't see anything out right." Suggested Todd. He considered himself to be quite a sluth as of late. He was hardly an expert (though neither was anyone else he knew) but he'd solved plenty by himself. Well not entirely by himself. Plenty with Farah and Mona (and the stream of creation of course).

"Excellent idea." Announced Svald.

"R-really." Stuttered Todd.

"Of course, we better get what information we can before one of them disappears." Svald explained bluntly.

"I'm sorry what?" Asked Robert, finally looking sharply up from his paper.


	9. Rebuilding Blackwing

Procuring Icarus was virtually impossible, Ken had almost given up trying, but he still had his uses. There was no chance of him being like Bart. No way on this Earth or another would he walk through the door and straight into Blackwing's arms. All the same, having been in there twice he was sure to have his fair share of opinions . Enter the review process, the debriefing Riggens had promised and more. He would rebuild Blackwing with the help of the people who had betrayed it.

"Hi." Ken smiled as Farah opened the front door. The wall shook as she instantly slammed it shut again. Ken sighed. He should have known it wouldn't be so easy. He tried to be nice and this is how they treated him.

"Miss Black." He called through the thin door. He waited outside peacefully. A few seconds later the handle clicked and Farah reappeared, this time brandishing a baseball bat.

"Is...Dirk here?" Ken asked. He had really hoped he would be the one to open the door.

"No." Farah said bluntly.

"Oh. Is Mona here?" Sure, she was a bit of a rambler, a frankly dangerous one at that, but she would do.

"She's right here." She replied, gently tapping the baseball bat against her hand.

"Huh...well I'll just wait inside." Ken pushed past Farah and barged into the building. It wasn't exactly ideal, he wanted to be in and out as soon as possible, but he couldn't return to Priest empty handed. No way, no how. "Nice building you've got here."

"You never answered my question." Farah growled as Ken took a seat.

"What question?" Asked Ken.

"What are you doing here?" Farah snapped.

"Interviewing Dirk. Of course, I could save time and interview you. Sit down." Ken grinned. Farah grimaced. The only thing worse than a mad man walking straight into her home was said man bossing her around in a friendly manner. She obeyed nonetheless. "How are you holding up?"

"Better than you I suspect." Farah commented.

"That seems needlessly cruel." Ken muttered.

"I'm just being honest." Farah shrugged.

"Alright." Ken grumbled. He flipped through the paper on his clipboard and reached for the pencil in his pocket. The soon as this was over the better. "Question 1. How did you find Blackwing's handling of recent events?"

"Are you serious?" Asked Farah.

"These questions are really meant for Blackwing subjects." Ken explained.

"Again I ask are you serious?" She snapped.

"Just help me out here. Tell me how we handled that fantasy world situation." 'That fantasy world situation' was pretty much the name of the official file. They considered going for something a little more creative like the doorway incident or mirror world. However, neither really felt accurate to what really happened. Ken and Priest both felt that too much of Blackwing 1.0 had been wrapped up in metaphor and flowery language. From now on they needed to be far more direct. 'That fantasy world situation' would do.

"Wendimoor? Can it really still be considered a fantasy world if it came real?" Asked Farah.

"Actually we already have a word for fantasy worlds that come real. They're called New Zealand." Ken chuckled. Farah's poker face remained unchanged. His laughter trailed off. The silence hung heavy as the two sat together in a state of stalemate. "That was just a little joke there." Ken muttered.

"No I got it." Farah nodded.

"Just answer how you think Dirk would answer." Prompted Ken.

"Isn't 'that fantasy world situation' the one where you shot him in the leg?" Asked Farah.

"That was an outlier." Ken assured.

"And kidnapped him."

"Yeah-"

"And imprisoned him."

"Well-"

"Sent a madman after him and started a fire fight that killed the man in his care-"

"Miss Black." Ken snapped. "Understand that we was dealing with an extremely stressful situation. Dratistic measures needed to be taken."

"Sir, I don't know much about Blackwing but I know enough. From what I can gather Blackwing's existence is one long stressful situation. If you can't safely handle one simple parallel universe how can we ever trust you to rebuild the project without hurting anyone. Without hurting us?" Asked Farah.

"You have no intention of being helpful do you, Miss Black?" Sighed Ken as he placed his clipboard down on his lap.

"Not really." She admitted.

"Alright." He huffed. "Is Dirk going to be long?"

"He might be a week or two." Said Farah.

"A week or two? Where is he?" Asked Ken.

"Some Premier Inn in London." She informed him.

"Why is he-? Look nevermind. Mona is right there. Could I just-" he reached out for the baseball bat that sat next to Farah. In the blink of an eye the bat disappeared and replaced itself with a heavy black handgun.

"I don't think she wants to talk to you." Farah scowled.

"It would really help-" the gun cocked itself before Ken could finish his sentence. He began to get up, grabbing his clipboard in the process.

"This is really unnecessary." Ken insisted. Whether it was or not didn't matter one bit to Farah and Mona. The gun fired. The bullet hit the wall and chipped the plaster, driving the supervisor from their home.

"Okay, okay I'm going." Ken backed out of the room as fast as he could, virtually fleeing from the building. The gun fired twice more just to make sure he got the message: no element of Blackwing was welcome on their property. The door slammed shut once more. This time Farah made a point of locking it behind her. "I just want to talk." He shouted. It was far too late. Farah had no intention of coming back.


	10. Interviewing Athos

Victoria didn't know how exactly to describe the conversation that took place in her front room that day. She didn't know what to call it then and she wouldn't for the rest of her life. It was kind of like an interrogation mixed with a casual over tea chat. This in itself wasn't so bad. After all tea time interrogation pretty much summed up all her conversations with her friends. It was the fact it was taking place with a mildly psychic Sherlock Holmes that made it weird. He insisted that he wasn't psychic of course but Victoria strongly disagreed. Less than ten minutes after he entered the house he'd already predicted that she wanted the previously mentioned tea and made it exactly how she liked it without having to ask. He could almost be considered extremely pleasant if he wasn't giving off the impression that he absolutely did not want to be there.

"I hope you're not thinking of replacing me with him." Robert joked.

"You don't have to worry about that, Mr Wilson. I've got much bigger fish to fry." Said Svald. He retrieved a small notepad and a pen from his pocket. Dirk noticed that he didn't change it between cases. As Svald flipped through he noticed the jotted ink scribbles of adventures past. Dirk wished he could see it up close, compare notes, but all he could catch was brief words like 'Thor' and 'Time machine'.

"You had a time machine incident to?" Asked Dirk curiously.

"It's rude to look over people's shoulders, Mr Gently." Commented Svald.

"Sorry, sorry." Dirk backed away. He'd already accepted that he wouldn't be the main detective on this case. He just had to trust in the stream of creation and listen to Svald. "Double cowinky dink." He whispered to Todd.

"Now, Mrs Wilson, have you ever seen any of the disappearances directly?" Asked Svald.

"No." Victoria shook her head

"Mr Wilson?" Svald prompted.

"No, never." Robert confirmed.

"No pop? No blink and you'll miss it flash?" Asked Todd. Both Victoria and Robert shook their heads. All the disappearances had happened while they were out of the room or while they were distracted by something else. It was almost as if someone was being very sneaky.

"Maybe we knows." Richard mumbled as the Wilson's child toddled and played blissfully around their feet.

"He couldn't tell you if he did." Sighed Robert. "Albert isn't much of a talker."

"Oh he'll get there." Said Svald. He scooped baby Albert up and softly placed him on his knee. Albert laughed and clapped, seemingly thrilled by his sudden flight. His hands waved and wandered as he began to curiously tug on Svald's clothes. "If only you were a little older. You'd probably be much more helpful than these two."

"Oh well that's charming." Commented Robert.

"We're going to need a list of everyone whose been in this house since the disappearances began. Preferably with dates of all the visits." Said Svald.

"Oh. I-I don't know if-" Victoria stuttered.

"Writing things down always helps me remember." Svald interrupted. He handed over his little tattered notepad and pen. Victoria nodded. Arguments seemed like a terrible idea considering how desperate for help she was.

"I don't like this, Dirk. I haven't seen anything like this since Blackwing. I don't know if I can deal with this again." Said Victoria as she held back tears.

"You won't have to for long. I promise." Assured Dirk.

"You were in Blackwing?" Asked Todd.

"Project Athos." Nodded Victoria.

"What's your thing?" Asked Todd. He'd never met anyone from Blackwing so...normal. If it wasn't for the ongoing case he'd consider her to be perfectly regular.

"Todd." Dirk said loudly.

"Sorry, I'm curious." Todd grumbled.

"No, no it's fine. I see connections. Not like Dirk does. I see connections between people. Family, friends. Who should be together and who shouldn't. I never know exactly which connections mean what though. I just know they're there." Explained Victoria. "Interesting vibes between you two." She chuckled through the tears as she pointed at Todd and Dirk.

"That's urr that's funny." Laughed Dirk.

"Yeah, what would make you think that?" Todd asked awkwardly.

"Something between you and Dirk too. I can't read that at all." Victoria told Svald as she handed back the notepad.

"Perhaps you're misreading things." Said Svald as he took the notepad out of her hands. He skimmed over it. Not many people had visited the Wilson household. Clearly they were quite an isolated family. This was possibly quite helpful for the investigation. Fewer people, fewer possibilities. With hope it wouldn't be too hard to pick the right lead.

"I'm sorry I couldn't give you more." Said Victoria.

"Oh don't be silly. We'll use this and get back to you as soon as possible." Said Svald.

"I don't know. Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Asked Robert.

"Whether I do or I don't, I don't do refunds." Svald smiled reminding Robert that he'd paid in advance. "Good day, Mr Wilson, Mrs Wilson." He said as he handed their son back to Victoria. The group clumsily left with the little information they had, taking one last look at the house as they went.

"So did we get anything good?" Asked Dirk as they headed towards the car.

"Absolutely nothing." Svald huffed. As he reached for the car door he suddenly realised there was a lack of weight on his head. "Wasn't I wearing a hat when I came in?"


	11. String Connections

Svald's little agency sat in the heart of London. It was concealed on the second floor of an office complex; rubbing shoulders with a nail salon and a rather shady publishing house (which Svald strongly suspected was a money laundering front). Once inside it was easy for the group to believe they were in a different building entirely. The office was small and warm. Perfectly cosy. The walls next to the door were lined with bookcases, each stacked with an assortment of folders, manuals, and mystery novels. A little in front of the back wall sat a carefully polished oak desk. This to was covered with stacks of folders and papers. Above the desk hung the golden plaque, dull and scratched, that read the words 'Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency' and in smaller letters 'We solve the whole case. We find the whole person or cat'.

"As opposed to finding only of the person?" Asked Todd as he stared up at the sign.

"Oh well you know how it is. You think you're doing a good deed by returning a loved to their family and the next thing you know it's all 'Ooh where's his leg? He had two when he went missing. How are we supposed to finish the village fun run now?'" Svald mocked in a shrill voice. He headed over the desk and began pulling out blank pieces of paper from the bottom draw. He frantically scribbled the names that Victoria had given him onto them and stuck them to the wall with blu-tac. From the desk he received a ball of string and a handful of pins. It was crazy theory board time.

"Is this really necessary?" Asked Richard.

"Everything I do is necessary." Svald scowled. "Now connections. Dirk, you're up."

"Um that's not really how it works." Said Dirk.

"Nonsense. Give it a whirl." He threw the multi-coloured string ball towards him. Almost reflexively Dirk caught it. Luckily, Svald didn't try to throw the pins. Dirk was allowed to collect those himself.

"Alright, so Victoria is connected to Robert." Said Dirk was he drew a line between their names in string. "But Robert works late so he wasn't present at the majority of disappearances." He continued as he ripped Robert's name free.

"So he's useless." Said Svald.

"No change there then." Richard mumbled.

"Victoria and Robert are both connected to the babysitter, Lulu." Said Dirk was he pointed to her name hanging loosely on the plaster.

"Interesting?" Asked Todd.

"Very. Lulu has been present at 75% of the vanishings and started acting weirdly about two weeks before they even began." Dirk explained. He waved his hands excitedly. Todd smiled, Dirk was so easily entertained when on a case. It was like his weird little world lit up.

"So she's responsible?" Asked Richard.

"No, here's the thing. Lulu quit without warning a few days ago." He continued.

"And yet the disappearances continue." Noted Svald.

"So...interesting but not relevant." Said Todd.

"Maybe we could get hold of her. Victoria must have her number." Said Richard.

"Not any more. Victoria left a note next to her name 'lost contact'." Svald told him. "We can't get to her. We're back to square one."

"They're not really social. Robert's mother was there once, his sister at three, and a family friend at nine." Dirk listed.

"Richard at one. That's four irregular influences, none of whom can really be considered suspects." Said Svald.

"So surely Lulu is our best bet." Decided Todd.

"Perhaps so." Mumbled Svald. He knew that strange behaviour and a string of events that simply didn't match up was par for the course. Just because the sum didn't add up didn't mean it wasnt correct. Still 75% was a little too low to be considered concrete, even for him.

"How many has Victoria been at?" Asked Todd.

"95%. Why? Are you suggesting Victoria is doing this herself?" Asked Svald.

"Um...yes?" Todd replied. Not that he really knew for sure what he was suggesting. A year ago he would have kept his mouth shut, presuming the question was a stupid passing thought. Nowadays all his ideas came flooding out. Perhaps spending so much time with Dirk had destroyed his mental barrier. After all he could never be sure which little tit bit would be vitally important later down the line.

"Are you kidding me?" Richard snapped.

"Don't ever rule anyone out, Richard." Asserted Svald.

"Svald, why would she rob her house? And why would she hire a detective to solve it?" Asked Richard.

"I don't know. Keep those questions in mind and be sure to ask her tomorrow." Said Svald as he grabbed his coat.

"Where are you going?" Asked Dirk.

"It's five o clock. I'm going home. See yourself out. Or don't. I'll see you here tomorrow at nine either way." He nodded before leaving, close the door behind him.


	12. Conflict

When Ken returned to Blackwing he felt absolutely foul. Foul mood and foul temper. Even with this plastered all over his face Priest was completely unphased. Negativity was his language, bad moods were easy to read.

"So how did it go?" He smirked.

"How do you think?" Ken snapped. He threw his case files and interview papers down on the desk. From what Priest could tell most of the blank spaces hadn't been filled out. Those that had weren't filled out with answers. Instead they were filled with the incoherent and frustrated ramblings of Ken himself.

"Icarus flying a little higher than usual?" Asked Priest as he pretended to fiddle with nearby sheets.

"Icarus wasn't there. It's that...asshole Farah. She gets in the way of everything. And Mona? Oh don't get me started on Mona. When I first met here I thought 'Sure, this girl is dangerous but she seems sweet. Maybe she's just scared'. Nope. You try and have a friendly conversation and she tries to shoot you." Ken ranted.

"Why didn't you just wait outside?" Priest scowled.

"For Icarus. Couldn't wait in the car for that long. He's hanging out in some Premier Inn in London." Ken explained.

"What's he doing there?" Asked Priest.

"Oh I don't know. Visiting family or something." Ken waved off. Priest shrugged. It wasn't relevant to what he wanted and therefore not important.

"Well I've got a little something for you that might cheer you up." Said Priest. He handed over an A4 sheet of paper signed by Wilson herself. Ken skimmed over the document. On the top, in big bold letters, were the words 'Extension of Jurisdiction Request'.

"What's this?" Asked Ken. Of course, he knew exactly what it was and what Mr Priest planned to do with it. Still it was always polite to give a guy a chance to back down before they walked right into hot water.

"I made a few phone calls and arranged a meeting. Flash some smiles, say a few words. We can get jurisdiction in England and have Athos back in time." Priest explained.

"What have I told you about stuff like this?" Ken yelled.

"It's not like you've got anything better to do with your time. All you do is browse through the old case files and hang out with Marzanna. It would take you ten minutes tops. With that time you could persuade the higher ups to give us a whole army if you wanted to." Priest argued.

"And what if I don't want to?" Asked Ken.

"What is your problem with this?" Priest countered.

"Athos is irrelevant." Ken snapped.

"But what she comes with could be the key to rebuilding this project." Priest shouted.

"Or it could fail completely." 

"Riggens wouldn't have a problem with this. If you would just-"

"Who's in charge here?" Ken interrupted. The argument stopped dead. Silence hung heavy in the dark room as the two men glared at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time.

"You are, Sir." Priest finally grumbled.

"That's right." Ken ripped the document clean in half and threw it into the bin, all without taking his eyes off the silent Mr Priest. "Now don't you ever pull this shit on me again. Understand?"

"Yes, Sir." He grumbled. His bitter undertones came through strong and vibrant. Ken didn't pull him up on it, he was far too tired.

"Good. Now I'm going to deal with some real work. Go and make yourself useful." Said Ken as he walked away.

" What would you like me to do for Marzanna tonight, Sir?" Asked Priest.

"Oh just make her some beans on toast or something I don't care." Ken called back. Priest nodded and waited for Ken to leave the room before reaching for the phone. 'Make yourself useful', that was the order. That was exactly what he was going to do. He dailed the British emergency services.


	13. Speculation

After not so subtly snooping through Svald's files Todd and Dirk finally left the office. Richard stayed behind to lock up, being one the only people Svald trusted with a spare key, and Dirk felt very little guilt leaving him to explore the city where he was born. Todd and Dirk sat on the bus back to the hotel. The weather, like it often was in England, was absolutely miserable. The sky was a stormy grey and rain dribbled down the window. Dirk didn't care about this one bit. The sunshine in his mind was far too warm.

"Look Todd. There's my old nursery school." Dirk pointed out the window towards the colourful, play equipment filled building.

"The toy thief school?" Asked Todd.

"That's the one. You know I heard that boy grew up to be an international jewel thief." Dirk told him.

"Yeah, that sounds about right." Todd muttered.

"Oh and that's where I used to go for ice cream with my dad." Dirk smiled at the thought of one of his first and only memories with his father. Todd was paying very little attention. His mind was on other things.

"Hey Dirk, do you really think Victoria could be doing all this herself?" Asked Todd.

"Oh I don't know, Todd. You said it not me." Replied Dirk. He rung the bell as they approached their stop. Dirk energetically swung down the stairs. Todd followed, albeit much less enthusiastically.

"Yeah but Svald seemed pretty set on it." Said Todd as they stepped onto the street.

"Victoria has never been a thief. There's no way she would do this...except..."

"What?" Asked Todd.

"Well...if she can see connections between people, including herself and other people, shouldn't she be able to see her way to the perpetrator?" Asked Dirk as they walked out of the rain and into the hotel. They headed through the oddly busy reception and towards the lift.

"Maybe there is no thief. Maybe it's government teleportation experiments or a dimensional slide." Speculated Todd. These too were ideas taught him by Dirk.

"Or Loki, trickster God." Added Dirk as they stepped into the metal box and jabbed the up button.

"Or maybe she doesn't want to see it." Said Todd.

The floor number ticked up until they reached the fifth level. They stepped out and instantly found themselves frozen in the corridor. Swarms of police stood around their room, wrapping the entrance in crime scene tape and taking photographs of their belongings. Luckily, none of them heard the elevator's ding.

"Todd, do you think we should go?" Asked Dirk. He kept his eyes on the strange gaggle of officials wandering around their space.

"Yeah that sounds like a good idea." Replied Todd as they headed back into the elevator and went out the way they came.


	14. House Guests

By the time Svald settled down in the living room of his two bedroom household the light rain had turned into a full on thunder storm. Sheet lightening flashed across the night sky as he wrote up the day's events. He sat in his green armchair scribbling everything on paper under a warm reading light. He accounted for the disappearances, the group's speculations, and the presence of the other Dirk Gently, the man he never thought he'd get to meet.

The rap at the door came at around quarter past eight. Svald raised his eyebrow. He was used to a private life even in the most extreme of cases. In his experiences unsuspected guests were an inconvenient rarity at best and a sudden disaster at worst. He got up to answer anyway. If the universe sent him a visitor it was only polite that he accept them, no matter how little he wanted them.

Stood on his doorstep, lined by the glow of the street light, was Richard. His face was painted with frustration having been dragged away from his own dry hotel room. In front of him stood Todd and Dirk, both drenched from head to toe.

"I went out for a bite to eat and I found these two wandering around by themselves." Said Richard as he softly shoved them into Svald's hallway.

"That's great. What do you expect me to do with them?" Asked Svald.

"Well they can't stay with me." Replied Richard.

"Didn't you two think to book a hotel or something?" Svald scowled. The two men looked down at their feet. Even though they hadn't technically done anything they couldn't help but feel guilty.

"We did. We're just 90% sure the police are looking for us." Explained Todd.

"What did you do?" Svald grumbled. Once again Todd found himself flashing back to his childhood. All that disappointment, still stupid pigtails.

"Nothing. We are innocent, law abiding citizens...in this country at least." Said Dirk.

"I won't question what that means." Said Svald.

"That's probably for the best." Todd nodded.

"Fine. Come on in." He ushered the pair into the living room before turning back to Richard. Richard's eyes followed the Americans. Such strange people, such curiously strange people.

"Something's off about these two. I feel like I've met the tall one before." Said Richard.

"What makes you say that?" Asked Svald.

"I don't know. Something about him is just so...familar." Richard shrugged.

"You've been to America. You might have just bumped into him in the street." Svald speculated.

"Maybe." Said Richard.

"Well be sure to tell me as soon as you remember." Said Svald.

"Why? Do you think it's important?" Asked Richard.

"Not at all. But you can't expect me not to be curious." Svald smiled.

"Goodnight, Svald." Richard chuckled.

"Goodnight, Richard." Replied Svald as he closed the door. He let out a deep sigh before returning to his two house guests. They had both made themselves comfortable on his sofa, though Dirk was using it wrong. He sat on the arm closest to the door while Todd sat in the seat furthest away. Svald sighed again, this time much quieter as not to be noticed.

"You have a lovely house, Mr Cjelli." Said Todd as he looked around the room. It was awfully dark but cosy and peaceful. Unlike the office the whole place was frightfully unorganised with cards and newspapers from many years past littered in random places.

"Thank you. I aim to please." A lie, of course, but the professional manner had to remain until the Americans were back where they belonged. He couldn't risk alienating them. We wasn't through with them yet. "There's a spare room upstairs that you can share. Bathrooms at the top of the stairs. If you can find food in the fridge you can have it but I giggly doubt it. Mine is the second room on the left. Go in their and I shoot you with a harpoon gun."

"You have a harpoon gun?" Asked Dirk.

"I know where to get one." Svald nodded firmly.


	15. The Meeting

Osmond Priest wasn't used to being allowed anywhere near command. After all, his career wasn't strictly legal and the fact he was allowed onto Blackwing property at all was a small miracle. Even now, as he walked through Wilson's pristine office corridors he knew he wasn't supposed to be there. They didn't want him, they wanted Adams.

To Hell with Adams. He was a little gem of potential wrapped up in fire and morals. His own iron clan attachments kept him tethered to a code that didn't exist. Adams was the kind of guy Blackwing liked to pretend they needed; the headstrong, smiling face of dark government. Priest knew that Blackwing really needed was him; a man with a gun that wasn't afraid to use it.

He entered the dark room that was filled with glaring screens. He stood in front of a long, glistening black table that shone under the electronic light. Once upon a time a mixture of generals and government officials would be seated at both sides. Now, only Wilson sat at the end of the table.

"Where is Supervisor Adams?" Wilson asked without looking up from his jurisdiction request. It always impressed Priest how she could almost sense a person's presence. It was a talent of her's.

"Adams is...dealing with some personal issues right now. I'll be taking this meeting on his behalf." Priest explained.

"Do you think you're qualified to discuss such high level decisions?" She asked.

"I have been apart of Blackwing since day one, mam." He reminded her.

"Yes, well that's not very reassuring is it?" Wilson sighed. She placed the paper aside and looked up at the man's deadpan expression. "So...jurisdiction extension."

"Yes, mam." Priest nodded.

"To England." She continued.

"Yes, mam." Priest repeated.

"I'm going to be frank with you, Mr Priest. You have no chance of getting this verified." Wilson told him bluntly.

"And why is that?" Priest challenged.

"We have no interest in Project Athos. She yielded no meaningful results as a child and she doesn't appear to be dangerous directly or indirectly. Gaining the money and the resources to bring her back to America wouldn't be remotely worthwhile." Wilson explained.

"Belief me, I care about Victoria as little as you do. My real interest is in her son." Said Priest.

"Her son? What's so special about her son?" Asked Wilson.

"Nothing that we have know of." Priest smirked. Wilson raised her eyebrow. Finally, something she could get mildly invested in.

"Go on." She prompted.

"I have a theory, a personal hunch if you will, about the genetic nature of holistic powers." Said Priest.

"And?" Wilson scowled.

"If we could get hold of this child while he's still young and...stupid, and my theory is correct, we could completely rebuild Blackwing with the a whole new generation without any of the rebel instincts of projects brought in as pre-teens." He explained. For the first time Wilson saw him become genuinely enthusiastic. It was slightly unsettling, like a demonic salesman, like the devil promoting his deals. Luckily for Wilson she had no soul to sell. She had her steel logic and her mechanical system. Priest's shiny new clogs didn't fit into it at all.

"You want to bring this child in...on a whim?" She asked.

"Yes, mam." Priest nodded. "Consider it a trail run. If we're wrong no harm done." A questionable statement even in Wilson's eyes but that wasn't what concerned her. What concerned her was something that Mr Priest presumed she would never realise.

"Supervisor Adams isn't aware of this meeting is he?" Asked Wilson.

"What makes you say that?" Asked Priest.

"Because belief or not I talk to Adams, often, and I know about his personal no new projects rule. Do you really expect me to belief he'd be okay with kidnapping a young child, a possible 'half holistic' if you like, on the off chance he might have powers?" She questioned.

"You know about that little problem of his?" Priest smiled through gritted teeth.

"It's not ideal." Wilson sighed. "But Adams has done in two months what Riggens couldn't do in sixteen years. He made Blackwing run smoothly."

"Perhaps that's got something to do with only having one project." Priest suggested.

"One project, one hundred projects. I don't care. It works." She told him.

"Is there anything I can do to make you change your mind?" Asked Priest.

"Bring me Adams. Then we'll talk."


	16. Crossword Champion

"Fantasy world created by C.S. Lewis." Said Svald as a newspaper rested on his lap. Now bored with day's work he'd moved onto the crossword. He filled them in on occasion, often when a case wasn't stimulating enough.

"Wonderland." Replied Dirk. A self-satisfied smile spread across his face. It was the third clue he'd got right in a row, a proud hat trick. Todd had tried for a while but was absolutely terrible at it. He blamed it on the long day and jetlag and went off to bed.

"Water animal beginning with o.' Svald continued.

"Otter." Said Dirk with very little thought.

"You're very good at this. What are you like at soduko?" Asked Svald. He'd never liked soduko himself. Numbers were far too clinical; too logical.

"Shouldn't we be working on the case?" Asked Dirk. Most of him really meant it. He wanted to unravel this ball of barbed wire more than anything. Another part of him, the immature part of him, desperately wanted to avoid soduko.

"No need. Todd already solved it. Tomorrow we test Victoria and if correct, which I expect he is, you'll be home and dry by the end of the week." Svald told him. He turned away from the crossword to the comic strips. He chuckled, such perfect mind numbing.

"Are you sure?" Asked Dirk.

"Positive. Maybe she's not doing it initially. Maybe that's why she called us, to help with her new power." Svald speculated.

"Latent powers." Dirk thought aloud.

"Indeed." Svald mumbled. Dirk went quiet. His face dropped as he looked down at his feet. Svald looked over. He squirmed at the sudden appearance of emotions. He was far from apathetic but his empathy only worked in theory. For it to work practically he needed time to prepare. He tried to improvise. The ability to care for the people close by was a skill every good detective should have. He was at the very least a detective so he had to try.

"What's wrong?" He asked. He placed the newspaper aside in the hope it would make him look more confident and engaged than he really was.

"It's a little disappointing isn't it? That the universe would bring us together and then not do anything." Said Dirk.

"What do you mean?" Asked Svald.

"Two Dirk's, two agencies, and it's just an old friend having an extenstial crisis." Of course had Victoria called he would have probably come running. Nine times out of ten he was thrilled just to find out his fellow Blackwing projects were alive let alone that they had a small family of their own. It was the tricks that the universe played that frustrated him. All the carrots and sticks when the universe could have just given Victoria his number.

"Perhaps the universe is showing off. It likes to do that from time to time." Said Svald.

"I think the universe should be focusing on bigger things. It could be correcting so much wrong in the world and it's planning meet ups for people with similar names." Dirk ranted.

"Identical names." Svald corrected. "And that I do find strange. If just our real names matched I might be able to belief it. If it was just our chosen names I could belief it. But both? Just a little bit too coincidental for my liking."

"It's a cowinky dink. So many coincides piled on top of each other that they can't be ignored." Dirk explained.

"I always thought I was being clever with that name. After all there's nothing gentle about a dirk dagger. Then in you come stealing my thunder. Where did you get the name anyway?" Asked Svald.

"It was in a journal my mum had." Said Dirk.

"Really?" Svald raised an eyebrow.

"I don't know what it was about. I just saw it on the side once and saw the name circled in red pen. I don't really remember anything else from it." Explained Dirk.

"Perhaps she was a client of mine." Shrugged Svald.

"Maybe." Dirk sighed.

"By the look of things we'll likely never know." Said Svald as he took back his newspaper. "It's getting late. Perhaps you should get some sleep."

"Sure." Dirk yawned. "Goodnight Svald."

"Goodnight Dirk." Said Svald as he flicked through his paper.

Dirk headed up the stairs towards his borrowed room when his attention was pulled towards Svald's door. It was like a tugging in his chest that forced him in that direction. He pushed open the door into the freezing cold, pitch black space. He stood in the doorway, looking around, before regaining his senses and leaving, closing the door behind him.


	17. Testing the Theory

When morning came the storm had blown over and the sun was shining through. The sky was clear blue and the birds were singing. Small, dark puddles of water gathered at the side of the road but were quickly evaporating. It was the perfect day for a person to walk their dog, play with their kids, or close a case. The group reunited with Richard at 9am, bang on the start of business hours, and showed up at Victoria and Robert's house as early as they could.

"Back to take our money are you?" Asked Robert upon opening the door.

"Already have I'm afraid. I get the feeling you don't trust in my holistic methods." Said Svald.

"I trust holism just fine. It's you I'm not so sure about." He explained.

"Charming. Can I speak to your wife please? I actually like her." Asked Svald. Robert muttered something as he headed back into the house. He called Victoria's name. She called something back to the group didn't hear. They were pretty confident that she was coming no matter what.

"Well come in then." Robert huffed as he showed them in. They headed into the comfortable space of the living room. There they found Albert climbed the sofa like a mountain and dropped a tiny coloured ball behind it.

"Gone." The child proudly announced.

"Oh, so you do talk." Said Svald.

"Like we said, he's not super chatty but he'll give you a word or two if he feels like it." Explained Robert as he lifted his son off of the sofa and placed him softly down on the carpet. Albert cared very little about this. He was perfectly content to play among his toys.

"A perfectly good trait to have right, Svald?" Richard smirked.

"Right." Svald nodded. Victoria appeared in the doorway. The comfortable little scene could easily be interpreted by a stranger as a pleasant family meeting. Then in she had to go, snapping everyone into business mode.

"Morning, Victoria." Greeted Richard.

"Morning, Richard, Dirk...you two." Sighed Victoria as she signalled towards Todd and Svald.

"Thanks, Victoria. I appreciate that." Mumbled Todd.

"Victoria, how would you like thirty pounds and a day out of the house?" Asked Svald.

"I'd like one of those things." Replied Victoria.

"Don't fall for it. It's our money anyway." Said Robert.

"Is there a reason you want to bribe me out of my own home?" Victoria scowled.

"I have a theory. We need you out of the house to test it." Explained Svald.

"Yes Todd thinks you're doing this yourself and Svald says we need you at least a mile away to know for sure." Added Dirk.

"Dirk." Snapped Richard.

"What? I'm being honest." Dirk protested.

"Oh do you now?" Victoria asked Todd. She crossed her arms, her face full of fury. It felt like the storm was threatening to start again within the room itself.

"That's...not what I said." Todd defended, though he knew it was probably all in vain.

"But it is a theory nonetheless and it deserves a fair trial." Added Svald.

"My wife is no thief, Mr Cjelli." Scowled Robert. He handed Albert a small teddy bear. The infant quickly shoved the stuffed toy under the sofa and giggled. Robert sighed. Albert had been doing this and similar behaviours for several hours and Robert had almost completely given up. He reached down for the toy and slammed it next to him.

"Oh no, far from it. We believe your wife may have some sort of power." Svald explained.

"Well...yeah." Said Victoria.

"I'm pretty sure we all got that far, Svald." Said Richard.

"Previously unexpressed powers." Svald clarified.

"Of course, once a freak always a freak." Victoria grumbled.

"Please, it'll only take a few hours. There's a great ice cream place a short bus ride from here that I'm sure Albert would love to try out. You can even take your pet if you like." Said Svald as he signalled towards Robert.

"Oh yeah, that's real professional. I'm not leaving you in my house alone." Argued Robert.

"Fine. Just you and Albert then." Said Svald.

"Fine." Victoria snapped. "Come on, Al. We're going on an adventure." 

Albert stumbled to his feet using his father's leg as a guide. Robert gave back the little teddy bear and this time he didn't try to get rid of it. Instead he tucked it between his arm and his chest and ran towards his mother. She took his hand and carefully walked him to the exit.

"Victoria wait." Called Richard. She stopped and turned back as Richard went to meet her in the hallway. "I have a loyalty card. Can you get it stamped for me?"

"Sure." Victoria scowled and snatched the tiny card out of his hand. "See you later." She didn't wait for them to reply. She slammed the door and opted to take the family car instead of the bus. Svald watched her drive away from the living room window before throwing himself down on the sofa.

"Strange. She didn't even take the money." Said Svald.

"Again, our money either way." Grumbled Robert.

"It's the thought that counts." Said Todd.

"Nevermind." Said Svald. "The first part is over. Now we wait."


	18. Breaking Point

Priest very rarely got the opportunity to take a coffee break. For someone who had only one charge, and one that was perfectly capable for herself at that, he found himself to be one surprisingly busy man. So he was less than pleased when Ken interrupted a brief moment of peace by slamming a piece of paper down in front of him.

"What's this?" Ken demanded to know.

"Good evening, Supervisor Adams." Priest grumbled.

"Answer my question." Said Ken. Priest took the page, read the header, and stopped caring on the spot.

"Rejection of jurisdiction extension request." Said Priest. Apparently just telling him hadn't been enough. They had to make a show of it and waste paper.

"Did you go to that meeting?" Asked Ken.

"Of course I did. I wasn't going to let your emotions trip this organisation up." Priest explained.

"All I asked, specifically asked you, was not to pull this shit. I needed you to let this slide." Said Ken.

"Well then, Sir, you're in luck. Like the letter says, they don't care about Athos or her child. Not unless you do." Priest sighed.

"Another thing." Ken shuffled through the piles upon piles of paper and picked out a distinctive pink form. He knew something was wrong from the moment it arrived by the colour. Wilson liked to make sure bad news stuck out like a sore thumb. Nobody in Blackwing was going to forget their mistakes under her watch. "Do you want to read it or should I?"

"Oh you. You know how I love the sound of your voice." Priest sneered.

"Dear Supervisor Adams, scans of your latest outgoing phone calls and have found that you made a call to the British emergency services, leading to the deployment of police in several areas of London. Would you care to explain the purpose behind this action?" Ken read.

"Ah." Priest nodded.

"Go on then, Mr Priest. Explain." Said Ken.

"I was going for a sort of...two for one deal." Replied Priest.

"Two for one deal? What do you mean? Asked Ken.

"Well if we know exactly where Icarus is, and where he is just happens to be safely behind bars, we could get him and Athos together with that jurisdiction that we don't have." Priest explained.

"And you thought you'd just not tell me about this?" Asked Ken.

"That was the general plan yes." Priest nodded.

"Do you have like a problem or something?" Ken grumbled.

"Well-"

"Don't answer that." Ken snapped. He already had a folder on Osmond Priest's many, many problems.

"It's not my fault Wilson can't see gold right before her eyes. I'm trying to move this project forward. What are you trying to do?" Priest challenged.

"I'm trying to keep as all safe for five minutes." Shouted Ken.

"Well, Sir, progress isn't safe. I do these things to help you. I will keep doing these things to help you until you can come up with a better solution by yourself." Priest asserted.

"Oh, I have solution. You're fired."

......  
It didn't take long for Bart to become utterly bored. She wasn't lonely per se, having spent much of her life alone she was good at being by herself, but Ken had never skipped a dinner since she arrived. Two days missed in a row was suspicious. Worse, the little voice in her head that wanted to her to run, the voice that wanted her to burn Blackwing to the ground and kill anyone who stood in her way, had burst into a scream. She tried to silence it, distracting herself with everything she had. It didn't work for long. She was running out of paper. So when unfamiliar footsteps came close to her room she let her surpressed instincts guide her out.

She took the wire headphones out of her mp3 player and stood back first against the wall next to the door. A man arrived with a tray and scanned the seemingly empty space. Bart wrapped the headphones around his neck and pressed down against his throat. He quickly dropped to the ground.

"Sorry, Mr." She grumbled as she stepped over his unconscious body. She ignored the universes call to kill him. She wasn't its puppet and she made sure to remind it of that. Instead she walked calmly through the empty corridors towards the main office, the sound of her shoes echoed against the walls as alarms began to blare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question for the readers: If you took a shot everytime I've written 'jurisdiction' so far how drunk would you be?


	19. Victoria Leaves

There was no clock to count Robert's wasted work minutes nor did he have a watch to check as the seconds slipped away. They all had phones with the time on them but the accuracy varied from mere minutes to whole hours. All Robert was sure of was that everything was going far too slow. He hated being separated from his wife and child for seemingly unnecessary reasons. Worse still, Svald hadn't actually explained what he was doing to test his theory. He was just sat there in boring and confusing silence.

Dirk on the other hand didn't mind being sat for a long period of time. He was still using chairs properly, now hung upside down with his feet on the sofa and was completely lost in his own little world. He was sure that Svald's theory was wrong. More concerningly he was pretty sure that Svald knew his theory was wrong. It was almost as if he wanted to close the case as fast as possible and rush everyone back home. He couldn't for the life of him figure out why. It became Dirk's own case, a hidden mystery he wanted to solve as much as the true case.

"Well this is nice isn't it?" Said Richard after about an hour of unbearable silence. They had chatted for the first hour, muttered throughout the second hour, and by the third hour they'd completely run out of things to say. As they approached the end of the fourth hour their minds were utterly numb.

"Absolutely delightful." Robert grumbled. The poor man didn't have the distraction of the news paper. It hadn't arrived that day, not that it would do him much good.

"Well, at least Dirk seems happy." Said Svald.

"What's he doing?" Asked Richard.

"He's thinking. You're probably not going to get much out of him for a while." Explained Todd. Dirk did these things often. He went into some sort of trance from time to time. They were rare as Dirk wasn't the sit in silence type but they happened, sometimes for hours. This wasn't one of his full on trances, Todd could probably still talk to him if he really wanted to but it was best to leave him alone.

"Right thinker this little one." Said Robert. He leant down and poked his face. Dirk bated his hand away.

"I'm both taller and older than you." Dirk reminded him.

"What are we waiting for exactly?" Asked Richard.

"Nothing." Announced Svald.

"What?" Exclaimed the entire group.

"We are waiting for nothing to happen." Svald told them.

"What do you mean we're 'waiting for nothing'?" Asked Todd.

"It's simple. Over the last few days items from around the house have been noticeably vanishing and on a frequent basis. The theory we are testing here today is that our client, Victoria, is responsible for these disappearances, whether deliberate or not. If this theory was incorrect we would see possessions going left, right, and centre. However, since we haven't..." Svald explained. The growl of an engine came clear as Victoria's car pulled around the corner. Everyone's minds became active again, even Dirk woke up and slipped onto the floor to sit normally as she parked out front. She entered the house, carrying a sleeping Albert.

"We're back." She called.

"Right on time." Replied Svald. "Victoria, sit down."

Victoria handed Albert over to Robert and scooted onto the crowded sofa. Svald stood in front of the group and Victoria's blood pressure instantly rose. Something wasn't right, not right at all.

"Did you find anything?" Asked Victoria.

"We think we did." Robert nodded sadly.

"Victoria, you may have a problem. Perhaps a sort of...psychic ability." Svald explained.

"No...no you can't be serious." Victoria protested.

"Now you shouldn't get too upset about it. It can't be helped and I'm sure we can find away to deal with it. Dirk, you seem like a strange man who would have strange friends. Do you know anyone who might know what to do?" Asked Svald.

"Todd's sister might be able to help out." He suggested.

"Of course, I'm sure Amanda would love to meet you." Agreed Todd.

"Forget it. Forget all of this. I haven't even been here every time." Victoria argued.

"Well coincides are bound to happen. Now I'd recommend staying out of the house for the next few days, purely for safety reasons. Todd and Dirk have a room they're not using near here. You go pack and I'll get the key for you." Said Svald. He softly took her arm and attempted to guide her into the hallway. She instantly fought back, jerking herself free of his loose grip.

"Maybe tell police you just found it though." Todd called.

"This is ridiculous. Robert, tell them." Victoria yelled as Svald herded her towards the door. He stopped moving at Victoria's call for her husband. Everyone's eyes turned to him, they burned right through his skin. The case and everywhere it could go was on his shoulders and he didn't want it. He had no idea what to do with it. He looked around for some sort of help. He glanced at Dirk, then Svald, then his oblivious two year old son. Finally, he looked to Victoria. Her eyes pleaded with him for help but he could offer none. Svald's experiment was the only answer he had, he couldn't risk giving up his only truth.

"I..." his voice trailed off. Victoria waited for more; he said nothing. Her heart sank.

"Fine." She stormed out, taking her car and flooring it.

"Well...that went well." Mumbled Richard. "Right, Dirk. Dirk?"

"I'm sorry?" Said Dirk as he glanced up at Richard.

"What are you thinking about it?" Asked Richard.

"Just that there's no such thing as coincides."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Game continued: If you took a shot everytime I've written 'disappearance' or some variation of that on top of the shots from yesterday's note how drunk would you be? Would you be in hospital and/or dead?


	20. The Box

There was more to do of course. It was nearly impossible, not to mention highly unethical, to watch a family implode and not clear up the rubble. Still, Svald was pretty sure 'more' could be done later. 'More' could be done from a distance and over a long, manageable length of time. After all, 'more' required phone calls, passports, tickets, and accommodation. Amanda had to be prepared, Victoria and her family had to be prepared, the many strange people that often crashed into holistic people's lives all had to be prepared. Very little could be done in a 24 hour period. So Svald opted to reset the scene, send everyone back to their safe harbours until the storm calmed, then he would start planning for his client's rocky future.

"The buses have stopped for the night so we can't get our passports yet. Presuming the police haven't taken them." Said Todd. He stood in the doorway of Svald's living room, his shadow thrown against the back wall by a warm orange light. Svald was once more in his comfortable armchair with his crossword and Dirk had at last learned how to use the sofa correctly.

"I don't want the two of you wandering around the city in the dark anyway. I'll drive you over tomorrow morning and scope out the area for police. Good assistants like you don't deserve to go to jail." Svald told them.

"Assistants?" Dirk jerked forward with a mighty scowl on his face. Todd however didn't mind, he barely even noticed. He'd been the assistant since he met Dirk and had very quickly grown happy with it. He was comfortable that way.

"That being said I'm an early riser and I believe flights to America to be long so I'd get some sleep if I was you." Svald sighed. He'd have to solve the crossword alone but it was a sacrifice he was willing to make.

"Goodnight, Svald." Dirk and Todd said in unison as they headed to the stairs.

"Night boys." Svald replied quietly.

Todd got all the way to the bedroom before realising Dirk had stopped following him. He was staring into Svald's ice cold room again, almost hypnotised. He looked down the stairs to check that nobody was coming. Then without a word he stepped into the darkness.

"Dirk, what are you doing?" Todd whispered. He poked his head into the room and instantly felt his breath knocked out of him by the freezing air.

"I'm looking for something. Keep watch for me." Dirk whispered back.

"Looking for what?" Asked Todd.

"I'm...not really sure." Dirk admitted. Still he knew the universe wanted him to take something from the room and that he'd know it when he saw it. He checked under the bed and dug through draws, all while Todd waited nervously outside.

Finally, the pull in Dirk's chest became crystal clear. It was like a shining silver string that only he could see. It led him to a little brown cabinet. There was a keyhole but either Svald had forgotten to lock it or never bothered because it opened for him just fine. Inside was very little: a few shirts, some aftershave bottles, and a wooden box carefully engraved with leafs. Dirk carefully removed it from the cabinet and opened it with ease.

Inside the box was an assortment of objects, all of which filled Dirk with questions. One, a golden ring, scratched and once worn but since abandoned. Another, a lock of hair and a tiny milk tooth. The thing that caught Dirk's eye the most was a single, faded photograph. It was folded in the middle and tattered at the edges. While he wasn't entirely sure he was confident it was a picture of a person he had once known.

"Dirk, he's coming." Todd whispered. Dirk looked back at the door. He couldn't hear anything yet but he wasn't going to risk it. He shoved the photograph into his pocket and slammed the lid of the box shut before carefully placing it back in the cupboard. He pushed the cabinet door shut and slipped back onto the landing as Svald reached the top of the stairs.

"You two still awake?" Asked Svald.

"Well...we only came up here like...three minutes ago." Todd reminded him.

"And you thought you'd just mill about on the landing did you?" Svald scowled.

"As good as place as any to chat." Todd justified.

"Hmm...are you alright, Dirk? You look like you've seen a ghost." And he did. Dirk hadn't realised it yet but his face had turned as white as a sheet.

"I'm fine. I think sleep deprivation is catching up with me." Said Dirk.

"Then you should probably stop talking and go to bed." Said Svald. "You were just talking weren't you, Dirk?"

"Of course. Goodnight, Svald." Mumbled Dirk before shuffling off to his room.

"Goodnight, Dirk." Replied Svald, his voice barely raising above a whisper.


	21. Genome

Alarms blared and doors slammed, non-essential power had been cut and red lights danced violently against the walls. For all intensive purposes Blackwing was under lockdown. Yet nobody had come to stop Project Marzanna, nobody dared. They'd feared her as a child and feared her even more now that she'd gained a foot or so in height. Not that she had any intention of hurting anyone, if she did the floor would already be littered with bodies. All she wanted was to find more paper, to silence the voice, and to go back to the safety of her box.

"Hey Ken, don't mind me I'm just getting some paper." Announced Bart as she strolled through the wide open office door. Ken wasn't there to hear he; neither was Mr Priest. This didn't bother her too much. She had no issue searching the room and taking what she wanted on her own.

She hunted across the unorganised mess of draws, cabinets, and hastily thrown together stacks of documents. There had to be some blank paper lying around somewhere. What kind of office didn't have any paper? A Blackwing office apparently as she didn't find a single page. What she did find was a thrown aside folder with the word 'disposable' scrawled across in Ken's handwriting.

A spark went off in Bart's brain, a spur of curiosity that had been lying dormant since Wendimoor. She flung the cover wide open and devoured the contents. It seemed like the standard Blackwing fair, something about Athos, a girl who walked past her room a lot as a child. Bart took no issue with that. There was something else that caught her eye: a little box marked 'subproject: Project Genome'. There was no name but there was a birth date. Project Genome was far too young to have joined alongside her.

"Bart? What are you doing here?" Ken had appeared in the doorway and wasted no time on observing.

"What's this?" Asked Bart.

"Where did you get that?" Ken walked into the office. He headed cautiously towards her being sure not to make any sudden movements.

"Who's Project Genome?" Bart questioned.

"You really shouldn't be in here." Ken told her.

"Were you going to break your promise? Were you going to start a new project?" Bart challenged, a red hot rage now growing in her soul.

"No, no, of course not." Ken calmly defended. "Look, Priest wanted to try a few new things, I refused, and that was that."

"...really?" Asked Bart as stray tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Of course, trust me." Ken smiled a shining toothy smile. He opened his arms wide, offering a warm embrace. "You do trust me don't you, Bart?"

Bart nodded and accepted Ken's hug. It felt so incredibly fake, like hugging a wax dummies. Naturally she believed her friend. Why would Ken ever lie to her? Still the universe pushed and pulled her mind. There was something on the outside, something she needed to know, and she couldn't do that with Ken. The glint of the knife he had taken from Mr Priest shone into Bart's eyes. Once again her instincts took over and grabbed the knife, plunging it into his back. Ken yelled and fell to the ground. Bart didn't keep the knife that was now covered in the blood of her only true friend. She dropped it and backed away.

"I'm sorry, Ken." Bart sobbed as she ran towards the exit.


	22. Emergency

"Wake up. Emergency. Up. Up." Dirk and Todd woke up from what had been a relatively pleasant sleep (as pleasant as sleeping in the spare room of a complete stranger could be) to the sound of a pan and a wooden spoon clashing against each other. Svald called from downstairs. The men rubbed the sleep out of their eyes and looked at each other for answer. Neither of them had any. All they knew was that sitting in bed during an 'emergency' was rarely a good move. The two bolted out of the door and peered over the border.

"What's going on? Is it a fire?" Asked Todd.

"Worse than that." Svald called back.

"Flash flood?" Speculated Dirk.

"No."

"An attempt to put out a fire that resulted in a flash flood?" He guessed.

"Absolutely not." Svald shook his head.

"Then...what?" Asked Todd.

"We failed to solve the case." Svald told them.

"What? How do you know? And how is that an emergency?" Todd blurted out an ocean of questions. They fell into the air before he even finished thinking of them. Of course, he was eager to step back into the fold as much as anyone, even if it did mess with his plans a little. Still, he didn't think that declaring a mistake as a state of emergency and getting everybody's heart rates up first thing in the morning was a good idea. 

"I'll take those one at a time if you don't mind, Todd. Firstly, we failed to solve the case. Secondly, because Victoria called me and explained the situation. Lastly, because the latest disappearances isn't an object, it's a person. Robert's gone." Svald explained.

"What?" Dirk and Todd exclaimed.

"I said-"

"We heard what you said." Todd nodded.

"Then stop dilly dalling and get ready. This is now a missing person's case and there's no time to lose. Emergency. Emergency. " Svald went into the kitchen, still banging the pan and spoon together like there was someone else to hear him. Perhaps he was trying to recruit the neighbours, not that they would have helped.

"So much for our early morning flight." Sighed Todd.

"Hmm." Mumbled Dirk.

"Are you okay? You've been acting weird since last night." Said Todd.

"Weird?" Dirk exclaimed.

"Well weirder than usual." Todd clarified.

"That doesn't really help, Todd." Dirk told him. "I'm fine. I just need to talk to Svald." He explained.

"Okay, go talk to him then." Todd nodded down the stairs. Svald had stopped making a racket and was waiting for them to hurry up so they could save Robert, though how and from what they didn't know.

"No. I need to talk to him alone." Dirk replied firmly.

"Oh...okay."

"Todd, Dirk, perhaps you didn't get the meaning of the word emergency." Shouted Svald.

"We're coming." Todd shouted down the stairs. "Can it wait? I don't want to sound mean or anything but it can't be that important right now. I think Robert might be in actual danger." He said.

"What makes you say that?" Asked Dirk.

"Because whenever someone involved with us disappears they're normally in a lot of trouble." Todd reminded him.

"Fair point." Dirk nodded.

"I'm sure if you ask you two can talk about what ever you need to once Robert's home." He assured.

"Yeah, you're right. Danger first, questions later."

"The agency way." Todd smiled.

"The agency way." Dirk repeated, seemingly unsure in his response.


	23. Attempt 2

Victoria was in tears when they arrived but Albert seemed unaffected. He played around his sobbing mother's feet as Richard tried desperately to comfort her. Dirk and Svald sniffed around for something to trigger a hunch, Todd looked around for a reasonable explanation (an instinct he still hadn't shaken). All three looked like idiots as they circled the room over and over.

"And we're sure he didn't just walk out?" Asked Svald. 

"Robert wouldn't just leave Albert by himself. What kind of dad would do that?" Victoria snapped.

"One under a whole lot of stress." Svald replied.

"Gone. Dadda gone." Said Albert. He chewed on his fingers, proudly announcing his loose understanding of the situation.

"Oh God this is all my fault." Victoria sobbed into her hands. Robert patted her back as if doing so would somehow help. Knowing Svald lead to many strange and distressing situations. In the downtime he liked to tell himself that he'd adjusted to them, that he'd be ready when the next one came. Then the next one came around and rushed him off his feet and he'd have to pretend to be the sane one while everyone else went mad. As Svald and his temporary assistants searched the room he couldn't help but wonder if Todd felt the same way.

"Of course not, dear. People randomly disappear all the time." Said Svald.

"I just came home to get a few things and Albert was all alone in his high chair. I don't even know how long he was sat there." She cried.

"Got any theories, Svald?" Asked Richard.

"Victoria was my theory." He grumbled.

"Really? You've got nothing? Not even a hunch?" Asked Todd.

"Well that's the problem with being a holistic detective isn't it? You don't get anything until the universe throws it at you. You just sort of walk around until you trip over the answer." He muttered.

"Or it trips over you." Said Dirk.

"Indeed."

"Dadda gone." Albert repeated.

"Yes Albert, Dadda gone." Snapped Svald. Then he stopped. A bolt of lightning shot through his mind. He turned to Dirk to see that he too had stopped and was staring back at him. The answer had fallen.

"Svald, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Asked Dirk.

"I don't know. I think so." Said Svald.

"What's going on?" Asked Todd.

"Maths time." Svald announced.

"Oh joy. My favourite." Mumbled Richard.

"Don't worry, Richard. It's simple logic. Now Victoria, when you were here with your very impressive 95% of disappearances were you alone?" He asked as he paced up and down in front of the sofa.

"Well no, I was with Albert." Although in terms of conversation she was still essentially alone.

"And our second highest, Lulu. Who was she babysitting?" Svald smirked.

"Well obviously it was...Albert." her voice trailed off as she began to release what was going on.

"Oh, oh and who wasn't in the house when we were testing Victoria?" Asked Dirk.

"Albert." Todd released.

"Really, Svald? The baby?" Asked Richard doubtfully.

"Yes, Richard, the baby." Nodded Svald.

"Oh no. I could just about take having the finger pointed at me but Albert? You really are a quack aren't you?" Victoria shouted.

"If you don't believe me then believe Dirk." Svald scowled.

"Until you prove it I won't believe either of you." Victoria growled.

"Oh I will." Svald replied calmly. "But firstly I'm going to need a laptop and access to your credit card details."

"What? What for?" Asked Victoria.

"Expenses dear, expenses." He grinned.


	24. Don't Call a Doctor (Call a Priest)

The first thing that Ken noticed was that he wasn't dead. Well, that wasn't strictly true, the first thing he noticed was the pain, then he noticed that he wasn't dead. A million thoughts raced through his mind as time in slow motion. All he found himself asking was why? Why was he still alive? It couldn't simply be a mistake, Bart didn't make mistakes. Was it possible that the universe was siding with him? He didn't think he'd done anything to deserve its support. Then again he didn't think his actions were worthy of getting stabbed over either. He wasn't really sure what he deserved at this point.

"Well, I see you're coping very well without me." The voice of a dark figure came from the doorway. It echoed through his mind, both incredibly close and a million miles away all at once. He turned his heavy head towards it to find Mr Priest calmly approaching him.

"Priest? What are you-?"

"Relax, I forgot my coat and when I came back to get it everyone was running around like headless chickens. You know the idea of a lockdown is nobody can get in or out?" Priest smiled. Ken grumbled and layed back down. He was far too tired to care about his leadership being questioned. He was too tired to care about anything.

"I'm fine by the way." He groaned.

"I can tell." Priest chuckled.

"Just stop being a dick and call an ambulance." 

"And get the authorities involved? You really know nothing about this place do you?" Priest walked straight past Ken and the phone towards a green box. He lifted it down and placed it down on the desk. Inside was an assortment of objects, few of which could actually be considered helpful. Priest layed out a selection items he thought he could get some use out of: a roll of bandages, a small pair of scissors, some dental floss, and a bottle of whiskey.

"What are you doing?" Asked Ken.

"Don't worry. You don't get a job tearing people apart without knowing how to put them back together." Priest sighed, handing over the full whiskey bottle.

"What the Hell do you expect me to do with this?" Ken scowled.

"Well firstly." Priest snatched the bottle out of his hand, undid the cap, and splashed the liquid onto Ken's wound. He grimaced but foumd himself unable and unwilling to argue. Considering how quickly he would bleed out if he was all alone he had no choice but to trust who ever was closest, even if that was an absolute psychopath.

"Now drink." Priest demanded, shoving the bottle back into his hand. Ken gladly complied.

"I can't believe this is happening." Ken groaned.

"Really?" Priest rolled his eyes as he hunted around the box in search of a needle. He eventually found it shining  under a box of flamingo plasters and a sachet of out of date Calpol. A good old fashion first aid kit for a good old fashion project. No wonder so many people died.

"I'm a good person. I stuck to my morals and I stuck to my promise and this is how the universe repays me?" Ken asked. He took a large swig of whiskey. It burnt like wildfire but felt like heaven.

"I'd probably forget about the universe for a few minutes and focus on the drinking." Priest unravelled a long length of floss, knowing the appropriate amount by instinct and experience. He cut it perfectly and began to carefully thread it through the needle.

"Why do I need to- Holy shit." Ken shouted as Priest placed him up right and pierced his sensitive skin with the silver needle.

"Less thinking, more drinking." Priest ordered as he started on the makeshift stitches. Ken grumbled and started to drink like a frat boy at a house party. "Well maybe not that fast. We don't want to add alcohol poisoning to the mix."

"How could she do this to me?" Ken cried.

"Marzanna? Well you did lock her inside what amounts to a metal box, Sir." Priest reminded him.

"Hey, she wanted to be here. It was a consensual locking." He snapped in his semi-delirious state.

"Do you want to know want I think?" Asked Priest.

"Do I really get a choice in the matter?" Ken grumbled.

"These freaks can never be reasoned with. You may think you have them for a while with your smiles and your promises but they will work against you like they work against all of us. Marzanna has been playing a game controlling you, Sir, and she's bored and loose. Just another disaster for Blackwing." Priest explained.

"Then what am I supposed to do huh? If I can't work with them the diplomatic way?" Asked Ken.

"In my experience they only listen when you're using force and will power, Sir." Said Priest.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning I'm going to patch you up and then we're going to get our shiny new jurisdiction. We're going to get Project Genome."


	25. Special Delivery

Svald wouldn't tell anyone what their newly necessary expense was. All they knew was that through the power of same day delivery they would found out at 7pm that day. The group set up camp in Victoria's living room. Victoria tried to distract herself with household tasks. She dragged duvets and pillows out of the cupboards and cleaned the house top to bottom. The rest of the group were also keeping themselves busy in their own way: filling the air with light news debate and small talk.

Dirk, of course, had his own personal mission for the day. He had to get Svald alone. Unfortunately for him Svald wasn't making it easy. He consistently coupled himself up with whoever was available. He stuck to the group like glue and when they failed to engage with him he stuck to Victoria. He cleaned by her side under the guise of helpfulness. Dirk knew better. He knew what a man hiding in plain sight looked like. Svald was fully aware that Dirk wanted to talk to him and that terrified him.

"What is he doing?" asked Todd as Svald tinkered in the kitchen. They watched as he occasionally walked by the half open door, blissfully unaware that he was being observed.

"I think he's making dinner." replied Richard. He bathed in the golden sunset as it streamed through the window. The empty day had gone so very fast.

"Is he a good cook?" he asked.

"No idea. I've never let him cook for me before." He'd never trusted him to cook before. He let them go as far as sandwiches and no further. The stream of creation had far too many issues with Svald and Richard didn't want to risk the whole place bursting into flames because it was bored. Still, it clearly had a use for the house and the people in it. The universe wasn't going to kill them, at least not yet.

"Maybe if I could just-" Dirk rose from his seat but Todd quickly yanked him back down. Dirk didn't argue in anyway, shape, or form. When it came to inter-personal relations Todd often knew better than him, though better didn't necessarily mean good.

"Victoria's stressed enough already. Just let her and Svald cook." Todd told him.

"Alright. I'll wait until we get a breather. Just don't let him shove us onto a plane before I get to talk to him." Dirk nodded.

"What's got your knickers in a twist?" asked Richard.

"It's not important." Dirk shook his head.

"Dirk." Todd growled.

"Todd.' Replied Dirk.

"What's wrong?" he repealed. Dirk looked at the door. Svald was still happily occupied and unable to see any of them.

"I need to ask him about this." Dirk pulled the tattered photograph from his pocket. Todd scooted closer. His eyes scanned over the faded faces: both tired but smiling.

"Is that..." 

"That's Svald." Dirk nodded.

"He looks so young." said Todd. "Who's that?" he asked, pointing at a young, ginger haired woman.

"That's-" The group jumped as a truck interrupted their conversations. It pulled to a stop outside of the house. Svald shot out of the kitchen like a mad man, barely sparing a glance for his hastily assembled team. Dirk shoved the picture back away. The group, releasing that talking might open a can of worms, kept their mouths shut.

"I'll just make sure this doesn't burn shall I?" Victoria called from the kitchen. Svald was already out of earshot. He was busy signing for his freshly delivered goods. Victoria let out a deep sigh and lamented not going straight to Dirk, her Dirk, cutting Svald out of the picture entirely. Of course, she would have had no way to find him. The fact that Dirk was helping her was a happy mistake, the result of a broken phone and poorly organised phonebook. Then again perhaps it was more than that. The line between him and Svald was becoming more defined everyday. No matter what Svald had his uses. It was just that, and she meant this in the nicest possible way, a total prick. She took the steaming lasagne out of the oven and placed it on the counter. She went into the living room, leaving it to go cold. She already knew that nobody would eat it.

Svald thanked the delivery man and came into the living room with a cardboard box in his hands. He placed the contents on the floor. Before the group layed a collection of shiny new toys: a plastic ball, coloured bricks, beautifully painted farm animals. Svald carefully lifted Albert away from his train and placed him in front of his new play set.

"Aw, Svald. I really appreciate the gesture but Albert already has plenty of toys." Said Victoria.

"I know." Svald nodded firmly. "But we need something to disappear and I don't want it to be anything Albert's had for a while."

"Why not?" asked Todd.

"Because children get very attached to their toys and I don't want to risk a magic based temper tantrum. After all we can't guarantee we'll be getting any of this stuff back." Svald explained. "Now, Albert." he smiled softly. "Go play."


	26. Treasure Trove of Wonders

They watched Albert for nearly half an hour but he paid almost no attention to them. He wandered back to his train set as soon as he got a chance. They tried to coax him over; they even encouraged him to let the train go (Svald could survive the consequences and presumed the others would do the same) but nothing worked. Svald began to wonder if he'd made a mistake. After all, he'd been far from accurate as of late. Still, Dirk seemed convinced and if Dirk was convinced then Todd was convinced. Richard, of course, had his doubts but he wasn't going to be the one to argue with the majority, especially when two thirds of said majority had some sort of unexplained power. That just left Victoria. Svald expected her to start protesting any second. Yet she didn't. She quietly watched her son in fascination. Perhaps the blurred lines were finally struggling to connect themselves. Albert was involved somehow, even if she wasn't entirely convinced of the exact details.

"Maybe we're doing something wrong." She commented.

"Could we just put the toys in his hands and see what happens." Said Todd. He gently kicked the ball across the room towards the child. Albert glanced over at it, then at Todd, then back at the ball. They thought they were making progress as he picked it up. They were quickly disappointed as he sunk his tiny but sharp milk teeth into it. It popped and deflated. One pound down, at least he picked a cheap toy to destroy.

"This isn't working." Svald muttered.  
"Victoria is right. There's something we need to change. Dirk, ideas?" Svald clicked his fingers causing Dirk to jump. He quickly snapped into a beautiful mix of chaotic detective and logical scientist. What to change to get this experiment to work?

"Well...nobodies ever seen him use his powers so...perhaps we should leave." Dirk suggested.

"Excellent. Let's go." Svald nodded.

"We can't leave him by himself again." Said Victoria.

"Okay. Maybe we should just...turn around." Dirk decided. The group looked at each other. Nobody appeared to have any objection and so they silently agreed. They turned their backs on the child, leaving only Svald watching him. He nudged a coloured block closer to the boy who was starting to get interested.

"You've got thirty seconds, Albert." Said Svald before also turning around.

Thirty seconds later the group collectively turned back as planned. Sure enough the colourful blocks were gone. Albert clapped his hands and laughed, seemingly impressed by his actions.

"Gone. Gone, gone, gone." Albert chanted.

"Very good, Albert." Svald paused. He took one of the remaining toys, a little black and white cow, and held it out in front of him. He smiled at Albert as he babbled and clapped. "Can you show us how you did that?"

Albert reached out his hands. He didn't take it, he didn't get the chance to take it. As soon as his skin brushed against it silver light danced across his fingers tips. It was barely visible, a blink and you'll miss it phenomenon, and then the toy blinked out of existence. The group expected a pop; none came. It was silent.

"Pop." Albert announced to the group's surprise. Maybe he heard it, maybe it was so quiet only young ears could hear it, but maybe it was just silent. Maybe even Albert subconsciously wanted that pop.

"Well...that's...interesting." Said Richard.

"Should I buy him mittens?" Asked Victoria. Richard squirmed, unnerved by her calm. The anticipation had desensitised her.

"One thing at a time please, Victoria." Svald dismissed. "Now, Albert, where have the toys gone to?"

Albert stumbled to his feet and toddled across the room. The group loyally followed their young lead. How was it that this wasn't the weirdest thing that ever happened to them? All five of them struggled to get it onto their top ten list. Albert reached his destination, the place that supposedly contained half of the house and Victoria's husband. He clapped his hands down on the sofa and turned back to the group. 

"The sofa?" Asked Richard.

"It's a treasure trove of wonders." Svald winked. He carefully placed the cushions aside. Underneath there should have been springs and wood. Instead there was nothing but black stretching down for miles. Nobody questioned how the cushions had been floating there. They didn't want to set off a whole new line of questioning.

"So...how far down do you reckon it goes?" Asked Todd.

"Well..." Svald dug around in his pocket and retrieved a penny. He dropped it into the hole and started counting. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, too many Mississippi. After a half a minute it finally hit the unseen floor. "30 feet."

"Well somebody has to go down there." Said Victoria.

"Certainly. We need someone young, someone brave, someone who wouldn't be phased if they found something weird down there." Svald agreed.

"I can go." Said Dirk.

"Not you." Svald immediately interjected.

"Well then who?" Asked Todd before realising his mistake. "Oh no."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT NOTE: Updates may slow down very so slightly over the next two months. My A level exams are getting scarily close and I need to focus on them. I don't want to stop updating entirely and I'll try to keep things the way they are as much as possible. However, my education takes priority. Thank you for your understanding.


	27. Bart's Path

Bart wandered down an empty road, dust staining her black and blue jumpsuit, and for the first time in her life found herself directionless. Even when she and the stream of creation were arguing it lead her by the hand. Now it felt as if it had abandoned her. The screaming in her head had gone quiet, leaving her with nothing but solemn silence. Ken would live, she was sure of that. Throughout her life she had learned what a dying person looked like. The universe would see him through somehow. Maybe she had acted a little harshly (a thought she rarely had). After all, starting a new project behind the supervisors back did sound very Priest. It was just her actions seemed so right at the time. She was used to living in the moment until another moment interrupted her. Now, after so many years, the moment was over and the path she was running to follow was gone without a trace.

She probably should have turned back. Normally she made a point never going back to a place twice. The authorities often circled the area for weeks if not months and if she killed one cop she'd soon have a whole precinct to clear out. That's why she couldn't enter forty two separate 7-elevens. That's why she could never go home. In Blackwing's case she'd already broken that rule and for a while suffered no ill consequences. At least then she had a decade and half and two changes in management behind her. First time returning there was no one there who remembered her. She was just a past project, a legend of the files. Now everyone knew her as the person who stabbed the Supervisor. Worse of all Ken would always see her that way. A year ago she wouldn't have cared. Why couldn't she go back to not caring?

So where to next? With no friends, no family, and no money she didn't have many options. The universe of course had its plan. It was hiding from her, keeping its mouth shut and playing dumb, but it was still nudging her along. It was nudging her along with a four wheel van.

It came out of nowhere. One second she was alone in the road and the next a white animal control van was barelling towards her at 60mph. She jumped to the safety of the grass verge before she even realised she was moving. The invisible hands of the universe grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her aside. It offered no such help to the van's driver. He had just enough time to recognise the person in front of him but not enough time to realise she was out of the way. The van swerved across the road and tipped onto its two left wheels before rolling over. The driver crawled out of the broken window onto the road. He grumbled dazed and confused. The universe had no desire to kill him. It wasn't going to be that cruel. Not that day. Instead it let him lay there in the middle of the road, panting for breath and wondering how exactly he got himself in this situation as animals escaped through the open door.

Dogs and cats ran off in all directions. Snakes slithered free and birds fled to the skies. One animal stayed. An eagle with a pink tag on its leg. It calmly walked over to her. Then it stopped and starred. She met it in the middle of the verge and read the pink tag. It didn't protest, it didn't even flinch.

"To Dirk Gently." She read. A smile slowly spread across her face. It had an address and everything. The path was clear again. "Thank you, universe."


	28. Into the Darkness

How much rope could one family own? It looked like there was miles and miles of it snaking around the living room. It spun around Todd's waist, reels and reels to keep hin tethered to reality. Svald tied it tight. There was no way his makeshift harness was coming off in a hurry.

"Now, repeat the safety procedure back to me." Said Svald.

"One tug for down and safe. Two for 'bring me up'. Three sharp tugs for danger." Todd recited.

"Good man." Svald patted him on the shoulder and tied the rope around a chair leg. He sat down, putting all his weight on the seat. He would watch the rope. He would stop him from falling.

Todd peered into the darkness. Down, down, down it went. He took a deep breathe and closed his eyes. He'd survived much worse. He'd just have to take a leap of faith. He turned around. He'd be alright. He just needed a second.

"Alright. One, two." And then into the void. To his relief his feet hit an invisible wall. He absailed down. The air was as cold as ice. It cut his face and stole his breathe. Suddenly, his feet slipped. The floor was gone and he was tumbling into the black. After a short fall he hit the ground. By some miracle he landed on his feet. He sent up single tug and explored the black.

"Hello? Is anybody there?" Todd called. His voice echoed in the void, bouncing off walls of nothing. No reply came. The place was completely empty. More concerningly it was way bigger than any sofa should be. It stretched on and on forever in all directions. The clear walls he had come down were gone without a trace. Now nothing stood between Todd and the uncharted openness. He looked back up to where he came. That too had grown. There was no visible ceiling, just a tiny pin prick of light. Todd gulped. No way was he only 30 feet down.

"Hello?" He asked again. He tried to ignore the sound of his racing heart and opted to head straight forward. He drifted aimlessly with his little snake of rope following quietly behind him. His footsteps boomed in the silence as the only steady noise in what felt like the entire world. He caught the sky in his line of vision. It was no longer occupied by a single spot of light. Now it was littered with stars connected by veins of silver. Suddenly, the penny dropped. He had been here before, the backstage of the universe.

"Who's there?" A shakey voice replied.

"It's...it's Todd." He shouted.

"Todd? Where are you?" The voice asked.

"I don't know. Where are you?" Asked Todd.

"I'm...on some sort of trash pile." The voice called back. They didn't seem very sure. Todd didn't blame them. Nobody seemed to be sure of anything anymore.

"Just stay where you are. I'll come find you." Todd told them.

"Yeah, good luck with that." The voice grumbled. Todd continued to advance forward. For a place lit only by little gems everything was surprisingly bright and easy to see. Yet after nearly five minutes of walking he saw nothing.

"Can you talk to me or something. I might be able to follow your voice to where you are." Said Todd.

"Do you want me to sing?" Asked the voice.

"If mean if you really want to." Todd shurged.

"Maybe I should come to you." Said the voice.

"No. Don't." Todd shouted. Clearly, the voice didn't listen. There was a brief sound of footsteps on wood followed by a loud crack. The voice yelped. Then came a crash. It sounded as if a fully grown man had just hit the floor with full force, followed by two or three more objects raining down to the ground.

"Ow." The voice yelled. In an act of pure instinct Todd broke into a sprint. With this new found speed Todd found the voice in no time at all. Robert sat by a mountain composed of the house's stolen furniture. He clutched his bleeding knee. The short slip had gone barely any damage but the shock had left him silent.

"Robert? Are you okay?" Asked Todd.

"What...oh yeah I'm fine. I think I'm fine." Nodded Robert.

"It's okay. We'll get you out of here somehow." Todd reassured him.

"Somehow? Thanks, that's very comforting to hear." Robert mumbled. "How did I get here anyway? One second I'm spoon feeding pasta shapes to my son and the next I'm laying on top of this thing." Robert recounted, gesturing to the pile.

"Oh yeah, Albert has superpowers." Todd told him nonchalantly.

"Of course he does." Robert sighed.

"We need to go. You must feel terrible with no food or water for 24 hours." Said Todd.

"Actually I feel great. I don't know if it's the adrenaline or something in the air but I'm feeling pretty good. Great in fact. Plus I've had the soldier guy to keep me company." Said Robert.

"Soldier guy? What soldier guy?" Asked Todd.

"Oh yeah, that would be me." A voice replied as a man in an all to familiar Blackwing uniform emerged from the darkness.


	29. The Message

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Staring one of the longest run on sentences I'll ever use.

For a dead man Friedkin looked surprisingly good. Most people spent their deaths white as a sheet and flat on their backs. Friedkin had plenty of colour in his cheeks and was moving around like a healthy man should. His wound had healed over which Todd supposed made sense. After all, he had been down there for over two months with very little physical activity to injure himself further. Yet the fact he suffered no sign of infection was a small miracle. More confusingly was the fact that the hole in his shirt had healed over just as well as his skin. Perhaps whatever entity was running things down there considered it cruel to let a man spend entirety in ripped clothing but wasn't kind enough to offer him a shirt that didn't remind him of his greatest mistakes. Not that Friedkin needed reminding. He was sure he'd never forget. 

"Hey." Friedkin waved awkwardly.

"Hey." Todd mumbled.

"Is this yours?" He asked, signalling to Robert. Robert hadn't moved, he sat back first against a pile of draws and desks. There was no way all this stuff was from their house. He stared up at the two men, reduced to the role of a small, confused child. Did these two know each other? Was this yet another person that was mysterious tied to his wife? He always knew she was a strange women with a strange past, it was one of the things that drew him to her, but with the addition of detectives with unexplained powers, his sons own new found abilities, this dark hole and all the stars in the sky he was beginning to think he was losing the plot.

"What? Oh...yeah." Todd sighed.

"Thanks, Todd. I feel really appreciated right now." Robert grumbled.

"Do you think he could stay down here for a few minutes more? It's pretty safe down here and I really need to talk to you." Said Friedkin.

"Pretty safe? Oh sure, I'm happy just to stay here all alone in this 'pretty safe' hole." Robert scoffed.

"Thank you." Todd smiled. Robert, who had officially entered his ungenerous mood, stuck his middle finger up into the still air. Todd failed to react. He was used to fair worse than swearing. Friedkin walked Todd a few steps away, just out of earshot of Robert. He didn't think Robert was any sort of security risk. He didn't even expect him to understand what was happening, he sure didn't at first, but the little training he had was still in fall effect, privacy was key.

"Is Dirk still with you? I've been trying to keep up with him but he moves so fast." Said Friedkin.

"Yeah he's up there." Todd pointed up. "Wait keep up? You've been watching us?" He asked.

"Of course, I've been watching all the psychics. Although, as it turns out, they're not really psychics at all." Friedkin explained.

"Really?" Todd rolled his eyes. At least the poor man had got there in the end.

"Yeah, yeah fine. I'm a bit late. Just...I need you to get a message to him. I was really hoping he would be the one to come down here. You know I thought I was setting everything up really well. I just...let the phonebooks slide, got you over here, and then last minute that other Dirk, that Svald guy, I guess he got nervous or something and I end up stuck with you. Um...no offense." He frantically ranted.

"Wait? You got us over here? Did you do this to Albert." Asked Todd.

"What? No. The universe would never let me set up a case, it certainly wouldn't let me give a kid powers. Phonebooks though...meh phonebooks are fair gain." Friedkin told him. Friedkin and the universe had an interesting working relationship. He was the roommate that the universe never asked for. Still, he was there to stay and was oddly eager to learn. A lifetime of ignorance gave way to an entirety of wisdom. What he had struggled and in many cases flat out refused to learn through reading he now learned by ear and through the illusions that danced in the sky. He was slow but determined and the universe had all the times in the world to teach him.

"Alright...well what's the message?" Asked Todd.

"You have to destroy Blackwing." Friedkin told him firmly.

"What?" Exclaimed Todd.

"Well not you personally. The psychics.  The not psychics. Six to be exact. Though you're probably going to need to help. They're pretty much useless without their assistants."  
Friedkin grumbled.

"But I thought you..."

"I was. I still am, though only due to slow paperwork." He quickly interrupted. "And I wish it could work but it doesn't. It never has, it never will, I've seen that with my own eyes."

"I...I don't understand. What do you mean you've seen it?" It could be that the short time Friedkin had spent running Blackwing was enough of a sample to write the whole thing off. Todd wouldn't blame him for that one bit.

"Look." Friedkin reached his arm up into the air. Despite the stars being so high up the universe responded as if it  was only a few inches away. His fingerprints stained light grey against the glittering black. He painted a small streak before bringing his arm down. The stars around it fled, their silver threads cut by the stain.

"The universe is like...a giant brain and the holistics are like...neurons. They do some important shit and they're all connected to the things they need to be connected to. Agreed?" Friedkin started.

"Agreed." Todd nodded.

"Now Blackwing, as represented by this grey streak here, is kind of like a tumour. It screws with the neurons. They're not where they should be when they should be with the people they're supposed to be with. In some cases they're flat out destroyed. Which causes a whole lot of trouble. You follow?" He asked.

"I think so." Said Todd.

"Luckily, the breakout was basically the treatment the brain needed." He took his sleeve and wiped the slate clean. The stars timidly returned to their spot and reached out their shining webs, linking too each other once again. "Brains are very adaptable. Did you know that? It takes a lot of time and a lot of effort but it can do it. Ten years later and the universe was pretty much well again, giving or take a few helpful accidents."

"And then what?" Asked Todd.

"Then me and Wilson stuck our noses in and..." he placed his hand on the impossible ceiling and carefully bought it back to his side, leaving behind a powdery hand print. The stars reacted violently, extinguishing themselves in a second, leaving the trio in darkness. Golden sand swirled around Friedkin's hand before forming itself into a candle that offered a little in the black.

"Big tumour. The universe has a lot more riding on his holistics than it used to." Said Friedkin.

"That's not good." Todd thought aloud.

"No shit it's not got." Friedkin snapped. "The universe is freaking the fuck out, dude. It's letting the space between world's tear, it's letting people like Marzanna's out of it's grip, it's giving abilities to people who are not ready to have them. Do you think Albert should be perfectly teleporting galactic distances at two?"

"Galactic distances? This is the sofa." Todd laughed nervously.

"Does this look like a sofa to you? That's just a door. You're not even in your universe anymore. You're outside of it. Nobody should be able to find the path here aged two. Even Francis went a few steps at a time with his powers." Friedkin ranted.

"Excuse me." Said Robert, shaking in the darkness. "I can see your busy with your...breakdown but could you maybe hurry up?"

Todd looked to Friedkin. He nodded and Todd suddenly found himself able to breath again. There had been a ten ton weight on his chest that had just been lifted. It was like the universe itself had been pressing down on him.

"Go on. Get him out of here and take the message. The longer Blackwing is running loose the more trouble the rest of us will be in." Said Friedkin. He clicked his fingers and the stars came back to life. Todd nodded and returned to Robert. Just as he'd promised he'd stayed pretty much glued to his spot.

"Hop on my back." Said Todd.

"Are you serious?"

"Do you want to get out of here or not?" Todd scowled. Robert sighed and obeyed. Todd sent his return signal, two quick tugs, and waited to be brought back to safety. Yet he couldn't just have a simple and safe visit. Oh no, he was staying in the hole a little longer. A few seconds passed, then a few more, then a few more, and no response from above came.


	30. Farah and Mona Make a Friend

It had been a quiet few days back at the office and in all honesty it was beginning to freak Farah out. She'd adjused her lifestyle almost too well to fit around Dirk's antics (not that she was particularly normal to begin with). So having it all stop, leaving her with what essentially an ordinary office job as she told the building list of clients to call back later, was almost jarring. It was like whiplash. That's way she found herself feeling slightly guilty when she silently celebrated the arrival of a mysterious man outside of their office.

He was a soilder, Farah was pretty sure of that. She could tell by his neatly pressed black and green camouflage (which ironically made him stick out like a sore thumb). Farah watched through the blinds as he paced up and outside of building. He kept glancing at the horizon, like he was waiting for someone. She took a kitchen knife and placed it on the table next to her. He probably wasn't a threat. He looked lost. He could be a client or a very confused jogger with an odd fashion sense. He'd probably wander off never to be seen again. Still, she learned at a young age not to wait for a disaster before preparing herself. She was always sure to have a 'just in case' plan.

"Is he still there?" Asked Mona. She sat on the stairs hugging her knees. She too was bored out of her brains. However, unlike Farah she was quite grateful for the numbing. She was one of the few people left who attempted to cling to some sense of normality. She didn't mind the madness, in fact she loved it, but she craved the occasional small break.

"Yeah, he's just sort of...walking around." She replied.

"Maybe we should just ask him what he wants." Said Mona.

"Maybe." She grumbled.

"Do you want me to stick him? I hear my German Sheppard is really good."

"Mmm...maybe give them a few more minutes." Said Farah. They already had a 'beware of the dog' sign (though they never specified which breed of dog. Sometimes Mona felt like a Chihuahua, sometimes she felt like a wolf. They had to stay open with these things). It wasn't a subtle sign and after half an hour he should have noticed it. A German Sheppard probably wasn't going to make a difference.

"Maybe we should call somebody." Mona suggested.

"Like who?" Asked Farah without looking back. A second man had joined the mysterious solider. They appeared to be conferring about something but she couldn't tell what. She was normally good at lip reading. Today though their lips were obscured by the distance and the blinds. Still, she didn't need to know what they were saying to feel uncomfortable. Gut feelings weren't her 'thing' but in the back of her mind she knew something bad was about to happen.

"Like Dirk." Said Mona.

"He's on the other side of the world. What is he going to do?" She asked.

"He might know what to do." She insisted.

"I wouldn't count on that. I just...get the feeling he's really busy right now." Farah grumbled. Mona nodded. Deep down she felt it too. The universe kept a low level link between them at all times. It was unbelievably cloudy and hard to read but every now again they all felt it. Dirk was about to get very busy.

Just as suddenly as the mysterious man had become an issue he still being a priority. At least momentarily. Their attention was snatched by the sound of smashing glass, followed by a hard thud. They waited in silence. Farah grabbed the knife and clutched it in her hand. More silence, more waiting, then footsteps. One by one plodding down the stairs. At last the intruder showed themselves. A red face framed by frizzy, untamed hair leaned over the banister, unphased by her own actions and the knife in Farah's hand.

"Hey, guys." Bart greeted. "Is Dirk here?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoary I can write my girls again. I'm so happy to have them back.


	31. Meanwhile

The arrival signal came through as clear as day. The rope trailed across the floor, disappearing inch by inch into the void. Svald let out a sigh of relief. The dark was safe and the case would soon be over. Good thing too because Dirk was beginning to increasingly antsy. He was sure he already knew more than he should and he wanted more, even if he wasn't quite brave enough to ask for it yet. Svald's system of hiding himself among the group had been working well enough but it had very nearly run its mileage. Victoria had gone to throw out the lukewarm lasagna, Richard, having spent nearly a week running around in circles, had gone to take a well earned shower, and Albert was far too young to offer any defence. Svald couldn't really busy himself alone either, he had to stay to watch the rope. That just left him and Dirk wondering who would make the first move.

"Svald." Said Dirk.

"Hmm." Svald replied, his eyes glued on the rope.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anyone can ask anyone whatever they like. Whether you'll get an answer or not is an entirely different matter." He pointed out.

"Right...well can I ask you a question and get an answer?" He asked.

"Well that all depends on the question." He smiled. Dirk sighed. He'd dealt with some very difficult people in his life. In fact, the few people he managed to get on with could be considered 'a little tricky'. Yet he knew one day he would have to draw the line and that day was getting very near. "Alright fine. Ask away."

"Well I found this in your room." Said Dirk as he reached into his pocket.

"I told you not to go in there." He scowled. He should have known better than to tell someone like Dirk not to go somewhere. It was almost inevitable that the universe would lead him right through any locked door and into any restricted area.

"I know. It's just I had a hunch and-"

"A word of advice, Dirk, sometimes when these urges come, these little hunches that take over of our lives every now and then-"

"All the time." Dirk pointed out..

"Right...sometimes it's best just to ignore them. Ignore your urge to go straight past 'no entry' signs, ignore the feeling that you should run towards gunfire, and especially ignore that photograph." Svald told him firmly.

"I...I never said it was a photograph." Said Dirk.

"Well..."

"You knew I had it and you didn't think maybe we should talk about it?" He scowled.

"It's not relevant." Svald snapped.

"Hey, Svald." Said Richard. He leaned over the banister, his hair still sopping wet and dripping onto his shoulders.

"What is it?" He asked, turning himself away from Dirk so fast he could have broken his neck.

"I think you should come and look at this." He told him.

"Fine. Wait here." Svald groaned. He rose from his seat and stormed up the stairs. Dirk darted into his seat and grabbed the rope, just in case. 'What's so important?"

"Look." Richard pointed out of Albert's bedroom window. What was normally a quiet and quite empty street was quickly filling up with black vans. One man exited his vehicle and headed towards the door. Even from a distance Svald could see the symbol on the right side of his uniform, a symbol only a trained eye could know and fear, the black shadow of a mighty eagle, its wings stretched wide.

"Don't answer that." Svald thundered downstairs. Victoria nearly dropped the greasy tray as a loud knock rattled through the house. The group went silent. They starred at the door until Svald finally came to a decision. "We need to go now." Svald whispered.

"What about Todd?" Dirk whispered back.

"Believe me, he's safer where he is.

"How do we get out of here? We can't get to the car." Richard pointed out.

"How are you at jumping fences?" Asked Svald.

"Pretty good I think. Why?"

"I have an idea." He said. "Universe don't fail me now." He sighed.

Victoria scooped Albert up into her arms as they snuck into the kitchen. The man kept hammering on the door, shaking the walls. The group ran to the backdoor, filing out into the garden in an unorganised line. Svald placed his finger on his lip and pointed towards the gate. With a firm nod they made a break for it, just a short dash between them and the next street. A sharp squeak split the air as Dirk pushed the gate opened. The world went dead and still as they waited and waited for something to happen.

"Did you hear that?" Asked the man at the door.

"Hear what?" Asked one of the drivers.

"We got anyone around the back?"

"Don't think so." The drivers replied.

"For fucks sake. Get around there." He ordered. 

"Fuck it. Just run." Svald snapped. He picked up a rock from Victoria's garden and charged into the street. He reeled back his arm and threw it through the window of the nearest car he could find, a little silver hatchback. Glass shattered on the drivers seat as the rock thud down. Svald reached through the gap, cutting his hand on the shards, and opened it from the inside.

"Goodness, Svald now is no time to embrace your anarchist tendencies." Said Dirk as Svald brushed the glass and rock onto the road.

"Shut up and get in." Svald ordered as he opened one of the backdoors. The group filed in, Dirk and Robert at the sides, Victoria in the middle, Albert on her lap.

"This is illegal." Said Victoria.

"Trust me, if you knew what was chasing us you wouldn't care." He told them.

"You can't hotwire a car like this." Robert insisted.

"I don't plan on hotwiring. Three holistics in a car. Finish the joke and find the keys." Said Svald. "Dirk."

"Um...I don't know...urr." Mumbled Dirk. Svald peered through the rear view mirror and spotted a small crowd of soldiers gathering on the street corner, looking up and down for a sign of their escapees.

"Now." Svald snapped.

"Okay, okay urr after Wendimoor Francis gave us a car. It's not like this car but sometimes Todd accidentally leaves the keys in the glove compartment." Dirk quickly spat out. Svald looked inside and sure enough there they were. Just as he suspected, the universe wouldn't dare let down all three of them.

"There they are." Shouted one of the soldiers.

"Hold on." Shouted Svald as the car roared to life. He slammed his foot down on the accelerator and raced away as the soldiers charged towards them, out of sight before they could summon a van to chase them.


	32. Run Away

The speed limit seemed to disappear on the British roads as Svald weaved in and out of traffic like a mad man. Something had clearly spooked him though Dirk and Victoria, having not seen the soldiers for more than a few split seconds, were unable to connect his fear to their own. As far as they were concerned he was having some sort of psychotic episode. At least he was working with his own sense of direction for once. The universe had no say in the matter, in fact it was being actively ignored.

They swerved into the nearest parking spot they could find at Heathrow airport, nearly crashing into the curb in the process. Svald shunned the parking meter as he ushered his client, his temporary assistant, and one of his few friends out of the car. Nobody appeared to be chasing them. The police didn't even seem concerned about the broken window let alone the stolen car. That didn't seem to calm Svald one bit as they charged through the entrance and towards the check in line.

"Svald that the Hell is going on?" Asked Richard.

"We're leaving...right now." He informed them.

"But we-"

"There's no time for this. Excuse me. Pardon me." Svald pushed through the queue, ignoring the protests of the travellers and holiday makers as he brushed them aside. The group shrugged and followed. It wasn't like they had much choice. They had no money and Svald had taken the keys.

"Um Sir, you can't-" The check in lady started.

"I know, the queue, consider today as the one and only exception." Svald told her.

"Um..."

"Listen, we need to be on the next flight to Romania. I don't have my wallet on me but I can send you the money when we get there. Now to save some time in security I'll do the checks for you. We have no luggage, no carry on, no sharp objects, no liquids, and, even though customs is on the other end, nothing to declare. None of our party have passports is that going to be a problem?"

"Oh...I'm sorry, Sir, we can't let you fly without the correct documentation." She informed him.

"Alright fine." He grumbled. "I know someone here. Her name is Miss Pearce, a Miss Janice Pearce. Is there any chance I could speak with her?" He asked.

"She'll tell you the same, Sir." She said politely.

"Please, it's urgent. It's about..." He looked back at the group, all silent. They didn't exactly know what Svald's plan was but they didn't want to be the ones to bring it down. "It's about the child."

The check in lady looked at Albert who was slowly but surely falling asleep in his mother's arms. The hustle and bustle was keeping him awake. Everytime his eyes closed and his head dropped someone nearby would move move and he'd be alert again, at least for a moment. He didn't seem overly distressed but she was no mind reader. That wasn't her 'thing', she wasn't blessed with a 'thing'.

"I'll see what I can do." She nodded, moving away from her position.

"Thanks a lot, jackass. Now we're going to be stuck here forever." Grumbled the man behind them.

"Why not just holiday in the airport? You have everything you need. Shops, annoying strangers...indoor trees. What more could a man such as yourself want?" Svald grinned. The man sighed as Richard mouthed 'sorry' to him. Protest wasn't going to bring the check in lady back. He may as well get comfortable camping in the meantime.

After a few minutes a woman with long, silky brown hair approached the line. She was followed by the check in lady who was supposed to be leading the way. The woman walked with determination towards the group, failing to stop at the desk. She started talking before she even reached them. Clearly, she was well versed in these unplanned interactions.

"Dirk, what's going on? I try to sit down for a five minute break and Jennifer comes running up to me ranting about some at risk toddler." Said the woman.

"It's Svald now to save confusion." Svald told her as he carefully steered her away from the busy line and towards the desk by her shoulders.

"What? I thought you hated that name." The woman whispered.

"I do, with a passion." Svald whispered back. "Listen, Janice, I need you to do me a massive favour.".

"What's in it for me?" She asked.

"You'll probably never have to see me again." He told her.

"Alright, what do you need?" She replied firmly.

"I need you to put all five of us on the next flight out of the country. We'd prefer to go to Romania but we're not picky." He explained.

"Yeah I'm afraid that's not happening."

"Is this because of the no passport thing?" Asked Svald.

"No. It's because you're on Interpols no flight list." She crossed her arms and turned the computer screen. Just as she said their names crossed the screens, Dirk and Todd now on the most wanted list for the second time that year. How on Earth had he managed to do something so stupid that he couldn't even leave the country?

"What? Even the kid?" He scowled.

"Drat. I'll have to find another way to keep Blackwing away from them. Thanks for trying, Janice." He sighed. He tried to walk away but was immediately pulled back by the arm. She pulled him back behind the desk.

"You can't go out front. We have police out there. There's a back way. Jennifer will show you won't you, Jennifer?"

"I-" Protested Jennifer.

"Won't you, Jennifer?" She snapped.

"Sure." She nodded nervously.

"Take my car. Just try not to crash it." She dropped the keys in his hand and quickly shoved him towards the back exit. Jennifer marched them out towards Janice's car. Svald's sense of direction was gone but he still refused to listen to the universe's pleas. He wasn't going anywhere near those people and he certainly wasn't going to let anyone else near them. He'd just have to find another way.


	33. Seige

When leading a life such as the one Mona led it was always important to keep a positive outlook. For example, the positive side of her current situation was that they'd worked out what the man outside wanted and who he was waiting for. Unfortunately, a slight damper was placed on this revelation as what he wanted was to conduct a modern day seige on their office and who he was waiting for was a small army.

They'd been out there for three hours: soldiers, machine guns, tanks, and not a single shot had been fired. The group, who had all learned in their own ways not to rise to threats of violence, had stopped for tea and biscuits in the meantime. Farah dragged her chair away from the window for safety, Mona got busy making up for the cup shortage by being one, and Bart had made herself comfortable on the stairs, periodically insisting she could 'take them'. At the front of the pack stood Ken, limping on a cane but nevertheless doing  surprisingly well, and the smug face of Mr Priest. 

"We don't want to hurt you. Come out with your hands up." Ken shouted through a megaphone. After three hours the words had stopped meaning anything. They we're just noises that grated on the fragile minds of everybody involved. Mr Priest insisted that they should be using their hard earned army. Ken had won it with a smile just as promised and now it was just sat there. Ken was pretty sure bursting in there wouldn't do much good. After all, the last time an army was used against a Blackwing project very few men had escaped with their lives and all they had gained was him. It was hardly a worthwhile prize. However, psychological games were powerful. Psychological games could work magic. With a tank on the doorstep and limited provisions in the cupboard eventually they would have no choice but to surrender. The projects would have to come home.

"Just a knife. Maybe a fork." Muttered Bart.

"Bart, we are not risking it." Asserted Farah.

"It doesn't have to be a sharp knife. Just a butter knife." 

"No."

"...what about a spoon?" She asked.

"What are you going to do with a spoon?" Farah shouted in shock.

"...things."

"We have to get out of here." She sighed.

"No way. The universe won't let us tour around America together. Two holistics together and things get really weird really fast." Bart explained.

"Okay the problem is in America so...maybe we should try and get out off the country." She suggested.

"To where?" Asked Bart.

"Dirk is in England and he hadn't called to say there's an issue so...we should go there." She decided.

"Alright, smart ass how'd you plan to do that? You ain't got no money. I ain't got no passport." She pointed out.

"I could be your passport." Announced Mona, suddenly bursting back into her human form. Farah sighed as tea spilled all over the floor. Somethings simply didn't transfer.

"And the money?" Asked Bart.

"Oh I can only do one thing at a time."

"Okay, okay there's got to be another way of doing this." Muttered Farah. There had to be someone out there who owned them a favour. Could she still call Lydia? Even if she could what would Lydia do? She was a girl against the government.

"I could fly us out." Suggested Mona. "Light aircraft, jumbo jet. Whatever you want. I can even do first class."

"We wouldn't get passed air traffic control." Farah grumbled.

"I know a way to emergency land that would keep the two of you alive."

"Would it keep you alive?" Mona went silent, Farah nodded. She didn't think so."Maybe we should focus on getting out of here first." She suggested.

"Oh now I can fix that." Bart smiled. "Just give me a knife and-"

"No." Farah snapped.

"We don't want to hurt you. Come out with your hands up." Ken repeated for the millionth time. Farah, filled with pure frustration, wouldn't have minded going out there and throwing a knife or two at him herself.

"Can you say something else?" She shouted out of the window.

"Um...we don't wish to harm you. Surrender with your upper limbs skyward." He shouted nervously.

"I can help get us out of here." Smiled Mona.

"Really?" Asked Bart.

"Of course. You'll have to leave the room for a moment though. Safety reasons." She nodded.

"Okay then. Come on, Bart." Farah herded Bart into the kitchen and out of the way of whatever Mona needed to do. They had no time for small talk as the entire building erupted into noise. Wood splintered as desks and chairs were crushed against the walls, cups shattered into a million pieces. After a few seconds of silence Bart and Farah were greeted by the cheerful hoot of a horn. Unsure of what to except the pair stuck their heads around the door.

"Oh that is awesome." Announced Bart.

Outside Ken's feet were beginning to ache. When a man on as many painkillers as himself started experiencing any kind of pain there was clearly a problem. Still pain is feet distracted from the hole in his back and the increasing pressure in his head as Mr Priest attempted to drive him insane.

Mr Priest, having some how managed to unfire himself, wanted to be the one calling the shots. Unfortunately for him Ken didn't want any shots to be called by anyone. So instead Mr Priest spent all his time criticizing or more accurately complaining.

"You order an army. A complete army,  tanks and all, and what do you do? You stand outside." Said Mr Priest.

"You were the one who wanted the army." Ken reminded him. "And there's method to my madness."

"If we burst in there now Lamda wouldn't have time to change and we'd have her like that." Ken jumped as the click of Priest's fingers echoed through the silent car park.

"Or we could end up in a fire fight and kill the person we're trying to bring in." Ken snapped. "Do you have music?"

The pair listened, as did the entire army. Sure enough the sound of green sleeves floated through the air. It was almost peaceful. The relaxation didn't last long as a rumble and a crash forced it's way through the wall. The poorly trained army jumped aside, as did Ken, losing his cane in the process, as a dust covered ice cream van came barelling towards them.


	34. The Photograph

Svald sure did a lot of driving for a man who didn't know where he was going. The general consensus was that they were heading towards the sea (though the plan after that was a little hazy) but the sun had set and nobody wanted to sleep in the crowded car. Svald's driving was starting to get dangerous as he swerved in the middle of the road. Fearing for the safety of her son Victoria forced him to pull over. They sat on the grass verge of a back road gathered around a tiny campfire as cars periodically raced by.

"Well this is fun isn't it?" Svald commented chirpily. The group grumbled incoherently. Fun wasn't exactly the word any of them would use. Most of the group was simply exhausted. Victoria was sure she was supposed to be experiencing some sort of distress. She'd been ripped from her home, separated from her husband, and she was once again on the run, criminalised simply for existing. She should have felt like she had a child, afraid and helpless, but she didn't, she didn't feel anything. She couldn't afford to be. She had a child of her own now. Albert was in the same position she had been all those years ago, except he was much younger. She had to be alert for his sake. The bastards could strike at anytime. She couldn't allow herself to be distracted by her emotions. 

The one who had become distracted was Dirk. His icy glare could take him back to America and beyond. He looked straight into the fire, hugging his knees as the flames danced in his glaced over eyes. He hadn't said anything since they left the airport and he had barely been speaking before that. Victoria and Richard had tried to engage him but they'd barely got a mumble. They thought maybe if they left him for a bit he'd come around on his own. Clearly they had been mistaken.

"Svald, talk to him." Victoria grumbled.

"You all right over there, Dirk?" Asked Svald.

"I'm fine." Dirk mumbled.

"Probably not as enjoyable as the last time you were in England hey?" He asked softly.

"I never said that I'd been to England before." He said, looking straight up at Svald.

"Ah...well."

"Just like I never told you I found a photograph."

"Well that's just part of being a holistic detective isn't it? Sometimes we just know things." He smiled nervously.

"Why do you have this?" Dirk scowled, jumping up and whipping out the folded up photograph.

"Dirk, perhaps this isn't the best time."

"Did you know my mother? You said maybe she was a client. When? What happened?" Dirk interrogated.

"Dirk." Svald grumbled.

"Were you friends?" He asked.

"Yes, of sorts." Svald replied.

"Close friends?"

"Dirk, please-"

"Why do you have this picture of my mother? Why were you with her the day I was born?" He shouted, shoving the picture into his hand. Svald unfolded it and sighed. He used to love that picture, it had been framed in his old home. He'd locked it away nearly three decades ago, left it to fade and gather dust alongside many other artefacts. Such a happy picture, now it just made him sad. It was a picture of a red headed woman in a hospital bed. She wasn't sick, far from it. By her side stood Svald. Both of them were tired but smiling, neither was looking at the camera. Instead they were beaming at baby Dirk, small and safe, wrapped in a white blanket, warm in Svald's arm.

"Ah." Said Svald, putting the picture away.

"Svald?" Asked Richard.

"I think Albert has had a hard day. A bedtime story might calm him down." Svald decided, lifting the fascinated infant onto his knees.

"Svald, I don't think stalling is going to help." Said Svald.

"Oh no, I think you'll like this one. It's a wonderful tale full of twists and turns. This is the story of how I ended up running this little business alone in the first place. This is the story of my son."


	35. Bedtime Stories for Albert

Once upon a time there lived a handsome prince who hailed from the beautiful lands of Transylvania, the good half. While familar and comfortable the prince's home was frankly boring so he went out to seek entertainment else where in Cambridge, England. He lost his comfort and familiarity but things certainly got more interesting. Very interesting. A little too interesting in fact. We're getting ahead with ourselves.

The foreign lands of Cambridge offered very little in the way of friendship. A few people were fascinated by the Prince's more...unusual abilities but it could hardly be considered friendship. He did, however, manage to find himself two close companions: a young man named Richard and a beautiful princess named Sarah.

Over the years a very special bond developed between the prince and the princess. They went from friends, to close friends, to courting, and after the prince's short prison sentence (a different story for a different time) they became husband and wife. They settled down, started a small detective agency with the help of Sarah's friend Janice, and had a son. Thanks to the pair's joint lack of naming ability the child was christianed Svald, after the prince.

The child too started to show strange abilities but this didn't concern the family too much. Their entire union was founded upon strangeness. It was only when the child started day care that the trouble began. Some people tried to ignore the differences, some people were afraid of them, and some thought it would be a good idea to go blabbing to the government.

Luckily for the prince and his son it's pretty darn illegal to take a three year old out of the country against his parent's will. They never let him go despite all the enemies claims of offering a better life. The prince knew liars, his job relied on it, and there was no way on Earth he would hand his only child over so easily.

So in time the offers turned to threats. Either hand over the boy or face another jail sentence, this one much longer. But why do that? After all, the prince had powers just the same, they were strong and considerably more trained. Why take a boy when you could just as easily take a man? Apparently the organisation concerned, Blackwing they called themselves, rarely took anyone over the age of 15 (most likely because anyone over the age of 15 would be more aware of their rights). However, they made an exception for the prince. Royal blood does wonders you see.

Of course, the prince wasn't so stupid. He agreed to the arrangement in word only, never signed a single form, and hatched a master plan for himself and his family. He moved them away as fast, all the way to Edinburgh, and as soon as he felt they were in the clear he bailed on the entire operation, escaping from Blackwing's 'safe' house in the middle of the night and breaking several bones in the process. He didn't leave his son completely empty handed though. He left a notebook containing all he wished the boy to know about him, the reasons why he had to leave him behind, and the name he would one day be able to find his father under: Dirk Gently. Then he headed to Cornwall alone.

He stayed in Cornwall completely cut off from his friend and his family for five years. They were long and lonely but he got by. Not daring to re-establish the agency he took a variety of jobs: once as a cook, for a while as an English teacher, and for one week only as a lion tamer (which is a story for when you're older). Eventually though his nerves calmed and he travelled to Scotland, hoping to be reunited with the woman he loved and the child he knew wouldn't remember him.

They were gone when he reached the little house he had left them at. Gone a whole year the neighbours said. Nobody knew what had happened to Sarah but rumour had it that young Svald Juniour had been taken to America, whisked away under false claims of abuse and neglect.

Devastated he returned to his empty home in London. He reopened the agency of course with the help of Janice and Richard. He soon found he had much less passion for it. Part of him always kept hoping that his gifts and his detectives skills would bring his family back home. He had no such luck. He never saw his beloved wife again and the universe took two decades to return his son. By this point time had stolen his childhood and made the prince fearful to feeling...anything. Instead he found himself trying to push the boy away again, hoping to restore the quiet status quo.

It's not a happy story, dear Albert, but it's the only one I know and so it's the only one I can tell.


	36. The Girls Sent by Louis

It took Farah two hours and a hundred miles to accept that nobody from Blackwing was following them. It could have been Ken had realised how futile chasing them would be, it could have been he was cooling off from his second near death experience that week, but most probably he was struggling to track a vehicle that didn't technically exist. Another twenty miles later they pulled over to take the next step in their plan. At the side of the road sat a cafe or more accurately a heavily furnished shed. No reviews and no stars, it screamed 'this is definitely not a money laundering scheme'. Still beggars can't be choosers. They needed a phone and something to drink and they needed them urgently. If a nicely decorated front for organised crime was the nearest thing then it would have to do.

"That was terrifying. How did you ever pass your test?" Farah asked Bart as she stepped onto the gravel bay.

"Test?" Asked Bart. Farah sighed. What did she expect?

Within the blink of an eye the ice cream truck disappeared and Mona fell to her knees. Unphased she stumbled to her feet and ignored the stinging of the scraps. The trio entered the cramped cafe. They were quickly met with the cool, clean smell of chemical disinfectant. They ignored it, there was no time to be put off by such trivial details. They could go without the drink, trusting anything the owners were serving would likely be a mistake. All they needed was a phone. With a phone they could contact Dirk and while he wouldn't necessarily know what to do he would one way or another tell them the right thing to do, albeit in a very round about way. The man at the counter didn't even glance up at them. He just kept on cleaning his mugs. Farah cleared her throat, the man grumbled. Stupid customers.

"What do you want?" He groaned.

"We'd like to use your phone please." Smiled Farah, using her best 'we're normal people, please don't hurt us' voice.

"One dollar fifty cents." The man replied.

" I'm...sorry?" She asked.

"Our cheapest menu item is one dollar fifty cents. You should know how things work at your age. You can't use the phone unless you buy something first." The man explained with little interest or enthusiasm.

"I thought that was toilets." Said Mona.

"And phones." The man scowled. "Now pay up."

"Oh um." She routed around her pocket, spilling a couple of loose coins onto the floor.

"I could change if you like. I'm sure if could do two dollars." Said Mona.

"Not in here." Farah scowled.

"This is taking too long." Grumbled Bart. She grabbed a knife from her jumpsuit and lunched forward. Farah jumped back as Bart clung to the man's collar. Where had she got a knife from? Where had she even been hiding it? Scratch that, she didn't want to know. "Hand over the phone or die bitch." She shouted.

"Jesus Christ, lady." He yelled, brushing her off of his collar. "Did Louis send you?" He asked.

"Um...yes, Louis sent us." Farah nodded.

"Didn't think Louis was the type to send women to run his errands." He scoffed.

"Clearly you don't know Louis as well as you think." Said Farah confidently.

"Wait here." He nodded firmly. Farah sighed with relief as Bart slipped the knife away. The man returned with a rotary phone that likely hadn't been upgraded since the late 80s and probably hadn't been used since then either. It was coated with a thick layer of dust. Farah brushed it off with her sleeve and dialed Dirk's number. She must have been the only person left in the world who remembered phone numbers.

"Hello, you've reached the voicemail of...urr...Todd, is this a professional number or a personal number?" The pre-recorded message crackled. Farah sighed and hung up. He was probably in the middle of something. Todd was usually a little better when it came to picking up the phone. She dialed the number as fast as she could. It rang twice before clicking. She smiled, she knew she could rely on Todd. Except Todd didn't answer. No, not Todd at all.

"Hello, this is Todd's phone. Friedkin speaking."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates may get a little spratic over the next few weeks as my exams have now begun. I'll try not to leave any long gaps but I'd appreciate it if you'll be patient with me. Thank you.


	37. Calls in the Abyss

Sleeping in uncomfortable conditions was nothing new to Todd. The bed in his old apartment had been hard and lumpy and the walls had offered nothing but cold. His new home above the office, while considerably warmer, currently possessed little more than a mattress. Expenses and all that. Still both his old bed and his new mattress was more comfortable than the pile of splinters which he was stuck upon in the universe's little void. Brass handles dug into his neck and wooden planks broke his back. Why couldn't have Albert sent him a cushion or a beanbag?

"Urr, Todd, you awake?" Friedkin towered over him as he sat curled in a ball. Friedkin never seemed to sit down. He moved in circles all hours, all days. The dead don't need to sleep after all.

"Everyone's a bloody awake." Grumbled Robert.

"I'm awake. What do you need?" Sighed Todd. He sat up, moving the metal pressure down his spine. He winced. The kid would need to send some painkillers and bruise lotion down very quickly at the rate things were going.

"Phone call for you." He said, reaching at the mobile phone Todd had dropped on the way down. The screen was shattered leaving a web of cracks all over its surface but it continued to function just fine.

"We get signal down here?"

"Four bars apparently." Friedkin told him. Todd nodded gratefully as he took the phone and pressed it against his ear. The voice on the other end came through loud and clear. It was a voice he had been dying to hear since the choas began.

"Todd? Todd are you there?" Asked Farah.

"Farah? Yes I'm here. Oh my God I'm here." Replied Todd.

"Is Dirk with you?"

"Um...no, Dirk isn't here right now." He automatically scanned around the empty space as if he was expecting Dirk to magically appear. No such luck. It was still just him, his ex-enemy, and a useless father.

"Your voice is echoing. Where are you?" She asked.

"Well, it's complicated. I'm kind of outside of the universe right now." He explained.

"Outside of what?" She exclaimed.

"Well either outside of it or in the middle of it. Like I said it's...complicated." He said. "A-are you okay? I mean you wouldn't just call for nothing." Dirk and Mona were the only 'call just to say hi' types in the agency. Todd and Farah preferred not to waste their precious minutes.

"No, we're not. We're on the run." She told him frantically.

"You're what?" Asked a man in the background whose voice Todd didn't recognise.

"You and Mona?" Asked Todd.

"And Bart." Farah added. "Todd I don't know why but Blackwing's back in full swing and it wants what it thinks is theirs."

"Blackwing. Yes Blackwing is what I need to talk to you about. Farah, you have to stop them."

"We know that, Todd." Farah grumbled.

"No, I don't mean stop them like before. I mean-"

"All right, times up. I don't know what Louis has got to do with all this Blackwing nonsense but he can put it on his own phone bill." Said the unknown man.

"Todd, I have to go. Find Dirk. Tell him to stay put."

"No, Farah, wait." Said Todd.

"Bye, Todd." And click went the phone. Todd sighed and shoved the mobile into his pocket. He slumped back into the uncomfortable heap and looked up at black sky. Still the tumour spread.

"Not very to the point are you?" Said Robert.

"Not very good at saving yourself are you?" Todd retorted. "I can't do anything from down here. There has to be away out."

"You know that the universe wouldn't normally let me help anyone." Friedkin told him.

"I know." Todd grumbled.

"But..."

"But?" Asked Todd hopefully.

"Perhaps to help its favourite tools." He smiled and with a click of his fingers Todd and Robert were no longer in a world of darkness. Instead they found themselves bathed in natural light on the sticky floor of a 0 star cafe.


	38. The Idea

"I have an idea." Svald announced in the early hours of the morning. Brilliant orange painted the grey sky as the black of night melted away. Nobody had spelt well (apart from from Albert who had slept better than he ever had in his short life). Their eyes stung as they sat around the dying fire. They didn't even have the mercy of caffeine to save them.

"Is it family counselling? Because I think we could all do with that." Sighed Victoria.

"I'll ignore that comment, Victoria." He grumbled. "No. It concerns Albert."

"Could you please leave my son alone? He's been through enough."

"Don't bother arguing with him, Victoria. You know it won't change anything." Muttered Richard.

"And how to get Dirk back to America." Svald continued.

"Why would he want to do that? That's where the people who are trying to capture us are." Victoria reminded him.

"They're also here." Richard pointed out.

"We could go to the Antarctic and they'd probably still be after us." Said Dirk.

"As tempting as the Antarctic sounds I assure you that America is our best option, at least with Romania out of bounds. America is a big country, it will be a lot harder for them to find us. Especially considering we're supposed to be here. Besides there are other projects in America, helpful ones. We might be able to form some sort of defence." Svald explained.

Dirk sighed and looked up at the pale sky. On the run again. Soon to be lost alongside his father in roaming the states of America, land of the 'free'. He wasn't sure which was worse: being trapped with a group of relative strangers in the country of his birth or being forced to wander the country he called home with the same relative strangers and maybe a handful of people he actually liked. He wondered if this was how Svald felt all those years ago. He wondered if he should care more than he did. May if they...

Wait a second.

"How do you know there are other projects in America?" Asked Dirk.

"It's really just common sense, Dirk." Said Richard.

"Yeah I mean if you stayed why wouldn't others?" Asked Victoria.

"Exactly. That and it's right here on your phone." Replied Svald, taking a cheap mobile phone, Dirk's phone, out of his pocket.

"Wait what?" Exclaimed Dirk, jumping up.

"January 4th 2018. Just recovered project vesta. Feisty. Defensive but slowly integrating." Svald read aloud.

"When did you-"

"It appears that Amanda has formed quite a little squad. She'll keep us nice and safe." He assured.

"Gone for over two decades and you're already jumping into reading your son's texts. Nice going there, Svald." Richard snorted.

"Give me back my phone." Ordered Dirk.

"In a minute. I need it for my plan. Now this Farah women. Agency girl, near the top of your contact list. She normally good at getting you out of jams?" He asked.

"Yes, I suppose." Well not strictly speaking. They normally stumbled into situations together but quickly drifted into separate yet distinctly related jams. Points to her though. She always did pull them out.

"And is this her?" He turned the phone around to show Farah's contact picture. It was take number five. He had kept trying to get her to smile. She was not so keen on the idea.

"Yes." Dirk nodded.

"Excellent." Svald ran up to Albert and showed him the picture. The child grumbled in confusion. He looked up at Svald, then back at the picture, then at Svald again. Neither were offering any clues. "Take us to her, Albert. See the nice lady? Take us to her?"

"And how exactly is my two year old going to do that?" Victoria growled.

"Quite easily, my dear. For you see Albert shall teleport us to America." Svald smiled proudly. His enthusiasm was met with confused and mostly blank stares. Nothing new there then.

"It's official. Svald's cracked...again." Said Richard.

"Nonsense. The things that Albert is touching aren't just flashing things out of existence. They're going somewhere." Svald reminded them.

"The place where Todd is." Said Dirk.

"And Robert too." Victoria added.

"Precisely. It is my firm belief that if trained he could use his powers to teleport objects, and extension us, wherever we need him too." Svald explained.

"And your evidence for this theory is?" Asked Richard.

"Well it's not tried and tested." Svald replied.

"Right." Grumbled Victoria.

"Forgive me if you will, Svald, but I don't particularly fancy ending up exactly where we started." Said Richard.

"Or whatever Todd and Robert are." Said Victoria.

"Oh you're all babies the lot of us. Dirk, back me up here." Said Svald.

"I..."

"Please." He said hopefully. "Not for me just...the universe has to be telling you something doesn't it?"

"...Give me a moment." Said Svald before running back to the car. He rooted desperately around the glove compartment in search of nothing in particular. Hopefully Janinice wouldn't mind too much if he took something small.

"Is he okay?" Asked Richard.

"I have no idea." Muttered Svald. He was relieved when Dirk promptly returned with an assorted selection of objects: a pen, a lipstick, a lanyard that Janice problem should have been wearing at work. He placed the items on the floor in front of Albert.

"If you're correct these will make it to America safe and sound." Dirk said confidently.

"And how will we if it works?" Asked Richard.

"We have two holistic detectives and a connections lady here. The universe will tell us."


	39. Reunion

"So let me get this straight." Said Todd. "Blackwing is pissed off at us because Bart, who found our agency because of a bird, stabbed Ken, now supervisor of Blackwing, over a toddler?"

"That's an extremely simplified version yes. How is our story more surprising than yours?" Asked Farah.

"What's going on?" Asked the cafe owner shakily.

"I've been asking myself that question all my life." Sighed Robert.

"My story makes perfect sense." Said Todd.

"You met a guy with the exact same name and power as Dirk." Farah recited.

"Yes." Todd nodded.

"And met one of his Blackwing friends who's now married and the mother of a child with uncontrollable teleportation powers."

"Well yeah."

"Who sent a whole ton of objects and one person to the 'backstage' of the universe, watched over by the ex-Blackwing supervisor, Friendkin, who is now either our God or just an apathetic asshole."

"Pretty much. Except certainly not our God, not really apathetic either. He has a message for us from the universe."

"The universe talks?" Asked Mona.

"Yeah this Friendkin guy is kind of the universe's PA." Explained Robert.

"Can you tell the universe to stop being a little bitch?" Asked Bart.

"Am I high? Maybe I had some bad food, some mould on the bread or son I don't know. I'm wigging out." Muttered the man.

"No, the universe didn't talk. It did kind of do a little presentation though. Anyway, we're not doing ourselves any favours running away from Blackwing." Started Todd. He wished running from Blackwing was an option. He hadn't even experienced the organisation first hand the way that Dirk had and yet the very idea of them rocked them to the core. Yet of course he would be the one sent behind the curtain. Of course, out of all the surviving projects in the world the universe would choose them.

"Call me old fashion, Todd, but I think running away from the psychopaths is a good idea." Said Farah.

"Or driving away, quickly." Said Mona.

"No, no you don't understand. Blackwing is dangerous." Said Todd firmly.

"See our above answer." Said Farah.

"No, not to us, well yes to us but also the universe itself. Blackwing's  very existence is destroying the way the universe operates. Allowing things to keep going the way they are could alter everything." Todd explained.

"So you want us to shut down Blackwing down?" Asked Mona.

"Not shut down." Todd said, shaking his head. "Destory."

"Destroy Blackwing?" Asked Farah.

"Apparently it's very important." Said Robert.

"Destroy an ever returning, all consuming organisation?"

"It's human run, just like any business. Like a...really messed up 7/11. If we either appeal to an emotional core or we get some leverage or...or..."

"Or we kill them. We kill the human element." Said Bart.

"Right, we kill the human element." Todd replied quietly.

"Great. Let's go." Bart marched furiously towards the exit. She'd already let Ken go twice. Once when they first met, when he burst into her life faking fear and later friendship. Again when she had fled Blackwing when staying a few more seconds could have finished him off. She might have been willing to move on with her life, no matter how much the universe yelled. She trusted that Dirk and his agency would help her protect Project Genome from a distance. Then they had to turn up at the agency's door. Even if they weren't following her directly that's when she knew the universe would never loosen its grip no matter how much she fought and shook. Part of Blackwing had to die. It didn't matter if that was Ken or Priest or someone else entirely, something had to give.

"Wait, wait don't you want to try the other things first?" Asked Todd. "I mean I thought Ken was your friend."

"I don't have friends. Just people I kill and people I won't. Now let's move."

Her march on the war path was halted by the smallest thud. Just a tiny echo that confused her into stopping. She looked down. At her feet rolled a tiny, sleek black object. A ping floated from Farah's phone. The message on the screen was from Dirk's number but it lacked his disjointed, emoji filled style. It was far too formal, too rigid. It was just one sentence, a simple question.

'Did you get the ruby red: Yes or No?'


	40. America

Farah's reply came through without question or elaboration, just one word on the screen.

'Yes'.

Svald smiled. Another theory proven through the power of the universe and technology. Oh how wonderfully they seemed to join. He clicked Farah's contact picture once more. They'd gone through the trial run, now for the real thing.

"Wait." Said Victoria.

"Yes?" Sighed Svald. He was beginning to think people were stalling deliberately.

"What about Albert?" She asked.

"What about Albert?" He scowled.

"Well he can't teleport himself and he's far too young to be out in open all by himself." She reminded him. Svald looked down at little Albert. Having become bored of his guardian's rambling he chased a white butterfly around the ash filled hole that had been their fire. Victoria was right of course, as good parents often are about their children. Throughout all of his antics Albert had never moved an inch. Robert leaving him in his high chair had been bad enough but at least that had been an accident and he'd been relatively safe in his home. Here he was exposed. Anything could happen.

"Fine. Someone will have to stay." Said Svald.

"I can look after him. I've been fending off Blackwing since I was a child. I can protect Albert." Said Dirk..

"Nonsense. We're trying to get you back to America and to the other projects. We can only hope that the universe will pick up on you being together and pull a miracle out of its ass." Said Svald.

"Then I'll stay." Said Richard. "I'm a skinny Scottish guy with no universe given powers and no large scale significance. When they chase you they'll likely forget about me." He explained.

"And how will you defend him if they don't?" Svald asked.

"Neither of you are staying. I'm staying." Victoria snapped.

"Victoria?" Asked Dirk nervously.

"I'm his mother. I should be the one to protect him." She justified.

"You'll be all by yourself." Dirk told her.

"It wouldn't be the first time."

"And if they get you? You're just another project to them. They'll drag you back, they'll lock you away. They've already done it to me."

"Then I'll be imprisoned." She replied, picking Albert up and holding him close. "But I'll fight to be imprisoned with my son."

"Very well, Victoria." Svald nodded. "If that's what you wish."

"It is." She said firmly.

"Albert, do you know what you need to do?" He asked softly.

"Ahuh." Albert replied enthusiastically.

"You're a good boy, Albert." He smiled before handing Dirk's phone to Victoria. "Keep this picture on the screen. Try and keep him focused on it if you can."

"Neither of you are getting this back." She laughed.

"I'm sure we can live with that. Right, Dirk?"

"Of course." Dirk nodded.

"Right. After you, Richard. Anythinh you want to say before you go?"

"If I die, I'm blaming you." He smiled and with a grab of Albert's tiny hand he was gone.

"Who's next? You I suppose. Try not to wander off when you get to the other side." Said Svald, pushing Dirk forward.

"Wait." Said Dirk, grabbing Svald's arm. "What's the point of running away if the one being hunted is the one who gets left behind?"

"I asked myself that question once. It's best not to think about it too hard." Svald smiled sadly. Dirk nodded and smiled at Victoria. She smiled back, a small, pained smile, just like the one she had shown him the last time they parted ways. That night on the hillside he thought he'd never see her again. He'd been wrong once before, he could be wrong again. He'd been wrong about so many things lately. Maybe the universe would let him be wrong one more time. Maybe it would let him and his new runaway group help her from a distance, close the case all the way across the ocean. Then again probably not. They'd probably end up the way they were, running in opposite directions from Blackwing, or like everyone else they smiled at with fear and joy on the hilltop that night. All the cases left open, all threads left untied, all connections severed. What could he say? The universe was cruel sometimes.


	41. The Agencies Unite

Now back on the open road things were starting to feel a little crowded inside the ice cream van. It was designed for a maximum of two people, maybe three at a stretch. With the unexpected arrival of Todd and Robert there were four fully grown adults crammed inside the cabin. They'd managed to spread themselves out to a degree. Farah sat in the front seat with her hands lightly gripping the wheel (for show only of course. Mona was perfectly capable of driving herself). Todd had made himself comfortable leaning on the window on the passenger side, trying to bring himself back into the unsteady reality he lived in. No time for a pararibulitis attack when charging head long at the enemy. As for poor Bart and Robert, they were stuck being thrown around the back, nearly tripping over themselves and each other with every bump.

"So this..." Assassination? Act of terrorism? Middle finger to every law created? "takedown. Is this going to help my wife?" Asked Robert.

"And your son. If our stories match up then he's in the most danger. It was his name in the file." Replied Bart as she spun her knife between her fingers.

"And you're sure? I mean it's a big risk."

"It can't hurt." She shurged.

"Yes, yes it can. It can hurt a lot."

"Stop fighting." Snapped Farah. "We're sure. The universe said remember? You were there."

"Oh right, the universe said. Yeah is it possible for me to write that off as a really weird hallucination?" He asked.

"Nope. Sorry buddy." Said Todd. He couldn't help but pity Robert. He related with him in a small way. Robert was like him a year ago if him from a year ago had his shit together. The rest of his family was secure in the way things were. Victoria was well initiated and Albert would likely never know any different. Robert was just a normal man, unaware of the tangled web of connections all around them. If Todd knew anything it was that Robert wouldn't be able to untangle himself again. This was his rite of passage.

Without warning the van came to a screeching halt. Farah reflectivity slammed her on the brake but the wheels had already stopped spinning. Her actions ultimately made no difference, Mona had stopped of her own accord. Robert stumbled towards Bart. Either through naturally fast reflexes or the universe's help she managed to shift the knife above her head and away from him. She pushed him up right without issue. Farah glanced out of the window screen and quickly saw the problem. In the road stumbled a confused man who Todd recognised without having to look twice.

"Richard?" Todd called out. 

"Todd? You're okay." Richard called back.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." Todd climbed out of the passenger side and greeted his acquaintance in the middle of the empty road. That seemed to be an advantage of having the universe on side, nine times out of ten the traffic was pretty good. "How are you here?"

"I could ask you the same question." Richard chuckled.

"Universe did it." Todd shurged.

"Same here I think." Replied Richard. "By way of Albert."

"But if you're here then where's-" As if the universe heard his question Dirk appeared out of thin air. Unprepared for his own arrival he instantly tripped over his feet and fell face first onto the tarmac.

"Ow." He groaned.

"Dirk." Todd exclaimed.

"Todd." Dirk shouted gleefully. He sprang to his feet like a jack in a box and threw his arms around his assistant. "They didn't kill you."

"Who didn't kill me?" Asked Todd, gently shifting Dirk off of him.

"Oh right...its been a complicated day." Said Richard.

Realising that the stranger wasn't a threat and was in fact one of Dirk's tag alongs (as they had all been at one point) Bart, Farah, and Robert joined their friend in the road. Mona stayed put but she beeped her horn and flashed her lights excitedly, a standard agency greeting.

"Hey, Mona." Dirk smiled. "Farah, Bart, what's the deal?"

"We're going to commit large scale acts of destruction." Said Bart.

"Excellent. Sound like fun. May I join?" A voice from behind them replied. The great turned. In the undergrowth stood Svald, calm and still like the jump hadn't bothered him at all.

"Um sure. The more the merrier I guess." Said Todd.

"Wonderful. Let's go."

"Wait, aren't we still waiting for people?" Asked Robert.

"No. Gangs all here."

"Then...where's my family?"


	42. The Rise of Athos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 42 people. Feel free to leave your favourite 'Hitchhiker's guide to galaxy' quote in the comments below.

Perhaps it was a mother's instinct, perhaps it was sheer paranoia, but Victoria no longer felt safe next to the cold, grey ashes of the night before. It felt exposed, like someone could spot them and pounce at any second. She moved them away, quickly wandering out of sight of the road.

"Mummy?" Asked Albert as the pair walked hand in hand throw a field of what she presumed was wheat. He kept trying to get her attention. She fought back her urge to comfort him and ignored the sound of his voice. She scanned around for a route out of the field. They had to keep moving. The drone of the cars still floated in the distance, out of sight but far from out of mind.

"Mummy?" He asked again, tugging on her arm this time.

"Please be quiet sweetie. Mummy's trying to focus." Replied Victoria. There were woods at the edge of the field, a little to the west. She could happily camp in there, it wouldn't be the first time she'd survived in such an area, she'd spent almost two months hiding in an American forest before eventually being picked up a middle aged couple after Blackwing, and a playful two year old like Albert would surely loved to live among the trees.

"Trouble?" He asked nervously.

"Yes, Albert." She sighed. "Big trouble."

"My fault." He grumbled.

"No, no of course it's not your fault." She reassured. "You've just been born into...a complicated world."

She walked hin through the crop, the wet wheat beating against her skin. It was a job neither of them had hayfever. At least the sky was clear and the air was cool. Victoria would consider it a pleasant hike if she didn't feel like she was going to pass out from stress.

"For fucks sake, Gary, we can't stop at every field you get a feeling about." A male voice complicated.

"We can and we will." Another barked. "Now search the area.".

Footsteps began to crunch closer and closer. Victoria swooped Albert up into her arms, fearing his little legs wouldn't be able to carry him fast enough, and ran at full speed towards the woods. It was an obvious hiding place, she knew that, but she played well in the shadows. It was much harder to capture a person who was sitting in a tree.

"This is because I used my powers to open a dating agency isn't it? That wasn't useful enough for you was it universe?" She panted. Her legs and lungs quickly began to hurt. She'd become rather out of shape since she had Albert. She hadn't bothered keeping up a tight fitness regime, she never thought she'd need to run from the authorities again. All right, time for plan B. Time to draw on her Blackwing days, she had been a project with a vicious streak and vivid memories of the breakout would surely serve her well. Resources were limited, she had no rocks or education centre stationary to throw, but she would make do with the little she had. She placed Albert on his feet by her side and began removing her shoes. She held them in her hands and prepared to aim. Two shoes against an army, what could possibly go wrong?

"Stay close, Albert. Mummy is about to show you how we do things."


	43. Abandoning the Case

"How could you have lost them?" Yelled Robert. The group watched helplessly as he and Svald argued in the middle of the road. Mona seriously considered speeding off into the sunset and bailing on the whole operation. Unfortunately, the universe wouldn't allow it. She growled her engine, trying to get their attention so that they could complete their mission, but to no avail.

"We didn't lose them. We know exactly where they are. Well, where they were I suppose, could have wandered off since then." Defended Svald.

"You left my son, a helpless child, and my wife alone to defend themselves against a government agency."

"Yes, essentially." Svald nodded.

"Why?" Robert snapped.

"Because it felt like a good idea and I've found that when I get a feeling it's best to act on it. Things often work out better that way." Svald scowled.

"You abandoned my family on a hunch?"

"I make all my decisions on hunches. It's the way of the universe and it works."

"I don't sound like that do I? Asked Dirk as the remainder of the group sat on the grass verge.

"Sometimes." Todd nodded.

"You were supposed to be helping us. We paid you to help us. Over a hundred pounds for you to make things go back to normal."

"Is a hundred pounds all he quoted you?" Asked Todd.

"I'd let your wife check your next bank statement I was you." Said Richard.

"Now listen to me, Mr Wilson. Whether I solve the case or it goes cold, which I assure you it won't, your life will never go back to normal. You can make it safer by destroying your child's enemies or you can try and make your way back to England and live the rest of your life on the run."

"I know a fake passports guy who could get you back." Bart piped up in a half assed attempt to be helpful.

"The choice is yours, Mr Wilson."

"You already solved the case. Todd explained it to me. We asked you to find out who or what was taking our stuff and you did. Your work here is over, we don't need you anymore." Robert replied coldly.

"Solving the case isn't the same as solving the problem. You need us now more than ever." Svald growled.

"No, the man I met said Dirk and Todd would be the ones to destroy Blackwing. I need them, not you. I...I want you to go. Just leave me and my family alone. We'll fix this alone or with the others but not you." Svald went silent. The rejection wasn't the problem, few men his age had gone their entire lives without experience it. The problem was that he didn't know what do next, not consciously or subconsciously. There was no thought and no feeling, no guide to tell him where he should stay or go. He had a decision to make, a real one, one that was entirely his own, and he couldn't help but feel that the universe had failed to train him for such a matter.

"Robert please just..." Stay or go? Those were the only two options. Theoretically he could flip a coin and let the fates do what they always did but he felt that the universe didn't what that. He didn't know what it wanted. He had no concrete evidence that it needed or even wanted him to stay. What would he do against an army anyway? He wasn't as strong and war ready as he used to be. All he did was drudge up old memories and anger Robert. Perhaps he was right. He'd got his money, why bother risking his life by staying. "Fine."

"Svald? You can't go. You can't just up sticks and leave." Said Richard.

"I can. Watch, I'm doing it right now."

"We won't let you." Said Dirk.

"You said something similar when you were a toddler. Well, you tried to at least. Believe me, it's best for all parties if go." Svald told him.

"Perhaps he's right. Group harmony is important and sometimes walking away from people is the only way to help them." Decided Farah.

"Precisely, I can tell that you're the sensible one." 

"Where will go?" Asked Todd.

"Do you need the name of my fake passports guy?" Asked Bart.

"No, no dear that's quite all right. I'm sure I'll figure something else. I am, after all, very good at setting up new lives with limited resources." Svald reassured. "Good luck with Blackwing. I can only hope that whatever crazy messed up plans the universe has in place for you all work out okay. Oh and Dirk."

"Yes?" Replied Dirk.

"I know this is going to sound rich coming from a man whose wiping the slate clean for the third time but what you have here; your friends, your agency, this rather aggressive ice cream van, it's a very good thing. A rare and magical thing. Don't make the same mistakes I did, Dirk. When you face Blackwing again, don't run away."


	44. Intel

For a supposedly active squad the freshly assembled Blackwing army spent an awful lot of time sitting in one small car park. Ken sat on the burning hot tarmac flicking through every CCTV camera he could force his way into. He'd come along way since meeting Bart: from terrified hostage, to unlikely helper, to project, and finally supervisor, but at heart he was still a hacker. The old ways were still as effective as ever, even if his superiors didn't necessarily approve.

"Finally, I've got something." Ken smiled.

"Me too." Said Mr Priest, finally reappearing after being mysteriously absent for several hours. He had an annoying and often nerve wracking tendency and returning with bad news (though whether he viewed it as such was a gamble). The whole idea of him finding anything at all sent Ken's blood pressure through the roof.

"You first." Ken grumbled.

"Our British branch are in retreat. There seems to be a high level of distress or disorganisation now that they've lost half of their unit."

"Half of the British branch is dead?" Ken exclaimed.

"No, no I mean we quite literally lost them. They've disappeared, we don't know where they are." Priest corrected.

"Well that's just great. At least I've got some good news. Through the power of CCTV tracking I think I know where our runaway agency is going."

"Go on." Prompted Priest.

"Blackwing."

"Excuse me?"

"They're hiding back towards our main Blackwing facility." Ken elaborated.

"But that's a top secret facility. You can't find that shit on Google Earth. How did they even..." Of course, it made perfect sense. Project Marzanna was the only one who could have possibly known where the new facility was and she was running loose without any form of blind folding. Mr Priest wasn't sure whether he really believed in all the greater connection to universe nonsense Blackwing ran on, he just showed up for the pay check, now more than ever since all the fun dried up, but if it was real he was sure the universe was taking him for a ride.

"Bart sure does cause a lot of trouble." Sighed Ken.

"I know. I knew her back when she barely came up to my waste and believe me when I say she's got better. She was trouble then and she's trouble now." Said Priest.

"Well we're just going to have to come up with a way to deal with her aren't we? Gather the team. We roll out immediately." Ordered Ken. He slammed the laptop lid down and rose to his feet, tugging the device under his arm.

"They're not going to like wasting all day here and then going straight back." Priest pointed out.

"Do you care?" Asked Ken.

"Not at all, sir." He smiled.


	45. Svald Cjelli, Solo Speeder

Svald had to give some amount of credit to his son's agency, they sure did know how to make a getaway. It took him half an hour of walking to see a single car, a full hour before seeing a petrol station, and two whole hours to find a town. Farah must have hidden away some secret map filled with forgotten roads that only criminals and Blackwing projects could ever possibly need.

There wasn't exactly a plan upon rejoining civilisation. He had no American money, no ID, and no connections for several states. He would say he'd been more lost with less of a plan but deep, deep down he knew it was all a lie. For all the misadventures and cases he'd been thrown into he'd always had some form of a clue as to what was going on. The thread was always thin but at it was there for him to follow. Now he was in a complete daze. Never before had an unfinished case been snatched out of his hands. The universe wasn't comfortable and neither was he. The two were at odds, one middle aged man against an all encompassing entity, both refusing to give up on their vague, confused understanding of reality.

He sat down on a wooden bench near the middle of town. It was located in a park which, while beautiful and peaceful, offered no help; unless of course the answer was dogs, old ladies, and exhausted young mothers. He searched desperately around the horizon for something with any small amount of value. There was a fast food place, that could be helpful in the short term. It was extremely hard to focus after not eating for well over 24 hours. Unfortunately, there came the money issue. Perhaps he could use his gypsy fortune teller trick again, that always made a buck or two. There was a shopping centre, maybe he could steal a tent and some gas and spend the rest of his life as a happy little camper.

"That isn't going to work is it?" He sighed. He got no reply, just a weird look from a nearby father. "I have to finish the case don't I?" Again, no reply, but there came a cool sense of levity that he'd learned to read before he could even talk. He grumbled. How to close a case like this? Robert, Richard, and the agency would be miles away even if they were following the speed limit (which they most certainly weren't). At the rate they were going they were already far out of his reach.

Comfort began to return as the universe tentatively edged its way back over to his side. A pull in his chest, that perfect thin thread, began to tug him to the path that would lead him to Blackwing. Now how to get there? His eyes lamded on a second hand car dealership. He smiled, time to steal a car.

He headed to the dealership with his head held high. The warm air that twirled around the lot didn't bother him one bit, he was as cool as ice. A suited man with a fake plastic smile extended his arm. Svald exchanged pleasantries as fast as he could. Every minute wasted was another mile lost.

"How can I help you today, Sir?" The man smiled falsely.

"I need a car." Svald announced, failing to even briefly make eye contact as his sight dashed wildly around the space.

"Of course, Sir. What sort of car did you have in mind?"

"A fast car, as fast as you've got."

"Right." The man nodded. "And what sort of budget are we working with?"

"Price isn't an issue." Svald dismissed.

"Ah, a man of class I see." Replied the salesman. Svald ignored the empty compliment. Nobody saw any class in him, he looked like a mess and he was rocking it. He strode over to a shining red Ferrari. Perfect. It was relatively small, fast, and easy to work through traffic (providing he ever found any).

"This looks good. I could work with this." Svald uttered to himself.

"Excellent choice, Sir."

"I'd like to test drive it if you don't mind."

"Absolutely." The salesman dropped the keys into Svald's palm. Svald smiled and made his move. Before the salesman could even register what was going on Svald had jumped into the driver's seat and locked the doors behind him.

"Um, Sir." The salesman laughed nervously as he tugged on the door. "Sir, you need a sales representative with you to test drive."

"I'd love it if you did come, really, but I assure you that you wouldn't enjoy it one bit. Now excuse me, I have to help my son destroy a government agency in order to protect a mutant child."

"...what?"

"I'll explain later. Don't wait up." Svald shouted back as he slammed his foot on the accelerator and speed out of the lot.


	46. Roll In

The cold was already seeping in when Dirk's agency, still proudly riding their cramped, colourful ice cream van, pulled up several meters away from Blackwing's main facility. Nobody saw any difference, nobody apart from Bart. She was the only project to see the outside in over fifteen years and she could tell from the off set that things just weren't right. For a start the floodlights were glaring. Normally the outside of Blackwing was dark, hidden deep in shadows. Their paranoia about being unearthed by the general public had been keeping their electric bills down for decades. Now the area was bright for miles, as if they were expecting something. Secondly, there were considerably more armed guards around, at least more than the usual average of one. She tried to keep count but they continuously dipped in and out of the blinding brightness. She got as far as five before losing track.

"Well, now what?' Asked Richard.

"We get em." Replied Bart, her eyes not breaking away from the window for even a second.

"I got that far. I want to know how." He scowled.

"Don't know, universe will fix it." She shrugged.

"That's not how the universe works." Mumbled Dirk.

"I've got a knife and so does Bart. Theoretically we could get whatever third weapon we want out of Mona." Farah thought aloud. Mona had very few ways to indicate her agreement with out beeping her horn or flashing her headlights and doing so would be a huge risk. The fact they hadn't been caught already was a miracle. She let the engine admit a low growl. It was hard to know whether they understood or not, she just had to hope.

"I'm not sure how far we'd get with that. Didn't Friedkin give you anything?" Farah asked.

"No, nothing. Just destroy Blackwing and then on our way." Explained Todd.

"Well several hours of quiet boredom and then on our way." Added Robert.

"So we're blind then?" Said Richard.

"I can see just fine." Commented Bart.

"That's not...never mind." He sighed.

"Well I suppose we're just going to have to take a deep breath and run in head first." Said Farah.

"Just like the good old days." Smiled Dirk.

"They weren't good." Mumbled Bart. "They were just days."

"Head first it is then. For the old days." Said Todd.

"For the old days." Nodded Dirk and Bart.

"Take us in, Mona." Commanded Farah and with a great engine roar the wheels began to gently roll towards the mouth of Hell.


	47. The Chapter Where Traffic Laws Don't Matter

Ken's convoy sped down the highways and main roads as fast as the black vans would allow. They'd already broken several traffic laws and the speed limit had been all but obliterated, yet still their journey was plagued with constant stops. It seemed their travels were cursed with bad traffic. Every few miles came another jam. It came in phases. They could go miles in minutes and then find themselves frozen to the spot. It was infuriating. Still they were making much more progress than they would be if they were following the rules normally and as night neared they were mere minutes away.

"I think we might actually get the jump on them." Said Ken as the convoy sat in yet another queue. His van was lucky enough to be at the front of their little party, allowing him to get annoyed at complete strangers rather than his own drivers, and Ken suspected he'd have a lovely view if the other cars weren't blocking his field of vision. He leaned over the back of the driver's seat and tried to assess the situation. He wasn't allowed to drive himself, his injury was too much of a hindrance.

"Really? You think we're going to get a jump on the people who had a several hour head start on us? You really are naive aren't you, Sir?" Mr Priest snarled from the back. He wasn't allowed to drive either. Firstly because it went against procedure. Secondly because he had a terrible road rage problem which had not only lost him his licence but also the confidence of every single one of his drivers. That left him sat on a loosely secured box, unamused and uncharacteristically tired.

"We're already here hours earlier than we should be." Ken justified. Why did he always feel the need to justify himself to a lower ranking official?

"I know. Who knew whiplash could be so useful?" He smirked.

"You know for once in your life could you just-"

"Um, Sir." Interrupted the driver.

"What is it, Greystone?" Ken sighed.

"We've got someone trying to contact us on channel two."

"Well don't just sit there. Do your job and put it on." Demamded Priest. The man obeyed and flicked the radio on. For a few seconds there came nothing, just static and silence, and then came a panicked voice. In the background the distressing and all too familiar blare of alarms rang true.

"Supervisor Adams? Are you there?" A male voice shook.

"I'm here, Enderson, what's your status?" Asked Ken.

"I think we've been compromised, Sir."

"So much for getting the jump on them." Commented Priest.

"Quiet." Ken snapped. "What are the trespassers doing, Enderson?" He asked calmly, trying to pretend the tension between him and his subordinate didn't exist.

"Heading to the main office, Sir. I think they're looking for you." Looking for him? Why? Blackwing's security had been compromised many times in its long and troubled history but they were mostly breakouts rather than break ins. Escaped projects had been returned for their imprisoned friends, documents and equipment had been stolen and likely destroyed, but the supervisors had always remained relatively safe. While Friedkin's stupidity had led to accidental injuries and Riggins had been in plenty of scraps with the unruly children and adolescents he had 'cared' for but they had been far from anyone's mind during code red situations. Nobody before had ever truly cared for the acting supervisor, everyone had their own goals.

"Are you in a safe position?" Asked Ken.

"I think so. They're only fighting against guards who are actively trying to stop them. Everyone else is pretty much being ignored. They caught me before I ducked into this side office but they let me go. They said I'm not important. Not really sure how to take that." Enderson explained.

"You aren't important, Enderson. Now get out there and fight like a man." Ordered Priest.

"But sir-"

"I swear, Enderson, if you don't get out there I will kill you myself." He growled.

"Yes, Sir." Enderson mumbled. He left the radio as ordered, leaving Ken without any further answers.

"We need to get out of here and back to base." Ken mumbled nervously.

"I'm not sure if that's wise, Sir. If Enderson is right and they are after you then procedure dictates-" started the driver.

"We don't care about procedure. Just get us back there." Priest snapped.

"For once in my life I actually agree with Mr Priest. It's the only way to possibly shut down the situation." Ken justified.

"But there's no where we can go. There's traffic everywhere." The driver protested.

"Oh really?" Mr Priest smirked. Without the merest indication or warning he grabbed the wheel and spun to the left wildly, denting the front of the van behind him but doing no significant damage to his own vehicle. He crashed through a wooden fence next to the road and into a field.  "Don't worry, I'll steer. Just keep your foot on the accelerator and don't take it off unless I say."

"What are you doing?" Ken shouted. His fingers dug deep into the fabric of the chair as stalks of wheat slammed into the window screen.

"Getting us home my friend." Priest grinned. "Now hold on tight."


	48. Arriving in Style

The ice cream van crashed onto the Blackwing perimeter with the force of an avalanche. Greensleves blared louder than it should ever be played, surely shaking windows for miles. It seemed counterproductive, to announce their presence in such a way, but the agency always had a dramatic flare. There was method to the madness however. The guards were certainly expecting something but what they were expecting was a sneak attack, not a noisy spectacular filled with yelling and music. 

Three out of the five armed guards threw themselves aside: one knocking themselves out on the ground, one grazing his knee but getting up unharmed, and one springing to his feet in an instant as if nothing had happened at all. Those who were unscathed started firing blindly on the vehicle. Their positions made it impossible to take them all down in one sweep, even for the likes of Bart, but that wasn't going to stop the agency's efforts. The ice cream van spun violently, kicking up smoke and dirt in an attempt to avoid the bullets. The metal pinged against the side and pierced the thin frame making it difficult for the occupants to stay clear of the danger. 

In the confusion the side of the van hit one of the men, causing him to crumble to the ground. Struggling and desperate to grab onto something he grabbed the leg of the man with the grazed knee, tripping him over. That left two guards. Surviving them was simple enough. Bart leaned out of the window and threw her knife without stopping to aim. It landed square in one of the men's chest, halting his assualt. The last man was hardly worth thinking about. The agency slipped out through the smoke screen without sparing a thought for the remaining guard. Mona, finally human again, quickly followed.

"That door is going to be locked. They're not idiots you know?" Said Robert.

"I can't agree with that." Muttered Farah. "But he's probably right about the door. We need to find a way in there and fast."

"These guys have ID cards. Maybe they double as keys." Suggested Bart.

"Not a chance. Look, there's no slot. The cards can't go anywhere." Richard pointed out.

"I know what to do." Said Mona. Without a word she headed to one of the unconscious men and looked over him. After a few seconds she nodded and closed her eyes. Soon there were two identical men in front of the agency; one lying unconscious on the floor and one stood confidently before them. Mona returned to the group and placed her thumb on a previously unnoticed pad. It beeped politely and the doors slide open.

"Nice work, Mona. Could you stay like that for a while? We might do better if we have a guard with us." Said Todd.

"Sure." Mona agreed.

"Wait...what just happened?" Asked Robert as the group began to enter the building. The alarms had already gone off. This was hardly surprising, their arrival had been less than subtle.

"Don't worry, Robert. It's all perfect natural." Dirk called back.

"Okay but aren't we going to talk about the fact that she just changed her DNA?"

"Nope. Come along everybody."


	49. Burning Blackwing

"We should split up. We'll cover more ground that way." Said Richard. 

"We should stay together. We're less likely to die that way." Replied Robert.

"We should stay completely still. Maybe the universe will sort the rest." Said Mona. Nobody was entirely sure whether or not she was joking.

"Richard is right. The rooms are far too small for all of us at once anyway. Go in pairs. Me and Mona, Dirk amd Todd, Robert and Richard." Decided Farah.

"And what about me?" Bart huffed.

"You can go with Todd and Dirk. That seems like a...universe friendly decision." 

"All right." She shrugged. She moved over to the group and watched with disappointment as Dirk not so subtly moved away from her.

"Sorry, sorry just not entirely convinced you're not trying to kill me yet." He awkwardly justified.

"Yeah whatever, Dirk." She scowled. "Let's just go. Pick a direction and move."

The group obediently splintered into pieces. Robert and Richard decided to take the easiest route away from the terrifying group of seemingly powerful creatures and headed down the nearest left corridor. Farah and Mona took a similar approach, shifting to the right. That left Dirk, Todd, and Bart moving straight forward down the seemingly abandoned main corridor.

"They must know I'm back." Bart commented.

"What do we do now?" Asked Todd.

"Kill anyone in charge."

"What about the guards?"

"Unless they hurt us screw em. They just work here." She muttered. She wondered what hot mess they would be filtered into when Blackwing crumbled.

"Oh guys, we should go in here." Said Dirk excitedly. He pointed at a black door leading to a dark room. On it hung a metal sign that read 'record room'.

"You want to go mess with some old pieces of paper?" Asked Bart.

"Dirk, we don't really have time for this." Said Todd.

"Todd, please. I think we're supposed to do this." Dirk pleaded. Todd sighed. He'd been on plenty of cases all over America by Dirk's side. They went fast, defied logic, and were often solved by contracting what they originally set out to do. He knew by now exactly how things worked. If Dirk said they were supposed to do something then it was getting done, no matter who or what was in the way.

"We should go in." Todd grumbled.

"Fine. Be quick about it." Mumbled Bart. They headed into the dark room and closed the door behind them, muffling the sound of the alarm. Apparently nobody had ever properly wired the room into the alarm system.

"There's got to be a light in here." Said Todd. He patted his hand blindly against the unlit wall. Eventually he found the switch. Sickly yellow light filled the room, eliminating three walls of silver filing cabinet.

"What do you reckons in there?" Asked Todd.

"All of us." Said Bart.

"I don't think so, Bart. We're out here not in there. Besides those draws are far too small to fit an adult person." Snorted Dirk.

"I mean our files." She scowled. "Some are still loose in the main office but the rest are stored away. Our histories, our medicals, our experiment results. It's all in there." She explained, pointing at the cabinet.

"Interesting." Said Dirk. He walked over to the cabinet and selected a random file. Project Centaur, what a riot she had been. "Todd, do you still have the lighter Amanda gave you?"

"Of course." Said Todd. He rooted around his pocket and brought out a silver skull lighter. Amanda, who was slowly but surely letting him back into her life, had sent it to him from Ohio. It was one of the few possessions he would never leave in the hotel.

"Can I borrow it for a second?" He smiled with an outstretched hand. 

"Sure. Just be careful with it." He nodded and handed it over. Dirk flicked it open and watched for a few peaceful seconds as the orange flame danced. Then he carefully placed it under new the file. The flame carefully climbed the paper as it turned from light brown and white to coal black.

"What do you think you're doing?" Bart snapped.

"Destroying Blackwing. What are they without their records?" Dirk replied excitedly. He threw the burning file onto the ground, allowing it to crumble into ash, and started ragging more paper out of the cabinet with little care for what they said.

"That's not how we're supposed to do it." She argued.

"Do you know that for sure?" Asked Todd. Dirk, who Todd knew wouldn't stop regardless of the answer, continued to burn file after file. He recognised some of the experiment names as his own but didn't stop to revisit old memories. There were no smoke detectors in the tiny room so the small blooms went unacknowledged, not that the extra alarm would have been noticed above the choas anyway.

"I...I mean I don't." Bart tried desperately to think. Normally noise didn't effect her, in fact she normally found it easier that way, but now it felt like she had a head full of static. She didn't know anything for sure, no anymore. "No. I don't."

"Then make a pile. We'll have a beautiful campfire right here on the floor." Dirk told her without turning around. Loose papers floated to the ground like confetti as the fire creeped ever so carefully across the records, turning Blackwing's history into nothing but smoke and dust.


	50. Smoke and Mirrors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woohoo 50 chapters, half way to 100 (don't worry we're not actually going all the way up 100)

The lack of guards on the right corridor was disturbing. It was almost the inverse of the outside. While the outside saw an increase in security the security on the inside had all but vanished. There were more people on the base for certain. Not even a government department as undesirable as Blackwing was that understaffed, not even at night. There was only one explanation, everyone was hiding.

A single man scurried out of a side office clutching a clipboard. The alarms seemed to panic him until he spotted Farah and Mona. At that point he instantly relaxed. A smile spread across his face and stood calmly against the wall. Clearly the alarms didn't worry him anymore.

"Hey, Johnson. Who's your fr-" Before he could finish his sentence Farah pounced like a wild animal. She pinned him against the wall by his shoulders as he weakly kicked in an attempt to break free. There was no time to give a verbal reaction, Farah had moved far too suddenly. All he could manage was a yelp of shock.

"Who are you? What's your rank? How many more of you are in there?" Farah interrogated.

"Johnson, what's going on?" The man struggled to ask. He used the little autonomy he still had to turn his head towards Mona who stood loyally by Farah's side.

"Johnson? Who's-" Mona caught herself as she remembered her disguise. She was so used to changing her appearance that she barely registered it anymore. "Right, I'm Johnson."

"Yes...you are." The man smiled uncomfortably.

"Well urr..." Mona looked the man up and down in search of a clue to his identity. It wasn't long before she noticed a badge reading 'Jacob Enderson'. "Well Enderson, this is one of our new project. Project...Firefox."

"Firefox? Like the web browser?" Asked Enderson.

"Yep, like the web browser." Mona nodded.

"Could you maybe ask her to put me down?" Mona listened to Enderson's request and tapped Farah lightly on the shoulder. She grumbled and let up, allowing the man to drop safely to his feet. She stepped back a little, letting him breath. "Thank you. Why do they always bring in the aggressive ones? I thought the boss didn't want any new projects anyway."

"He must have changed his mind." She shrugged.

"This was Priest's idea wasn't it?" He scowled.

"Well..."

"I hate that man." He mumbled.

"Yeah...hey Enderson could you do me a favour? Could you maybe duck back into that office and lock the door? Just stay in there until the alarms stop." Mona smiled sweetly.

"Shouldn't we find the intruders?" Asked Enderson.

"It's okay. I've got it. Just back in there and get rid of that clipboard. Get rid of all your work stuff."

"But-"

"Trust me, I've just talked to Adams. You don't need it anymore." She assured. "We're going digital." She quickly added.

"O-okay." Enderson slipped back behind the door. It clicked behind him as he activated the lock mechanism. He might not be comfortable in there but at least he'd be safe.

"Do you think he bought all that?" Asked Mona.

"Probably not. He likely thinks you're a traitor. We should keep moving and..." Farah's voice trailed off. She looked around wildly, sniffing the empty air like an alerted police dog. "Do you smell smoke?"


	51. Doing Something

Robert really shouldn't have been surprised by anything at this point. Victoria had never been subtle about her ability and up until a few days ago Robert hadn't thought about it too hard. It was just kind of cool. Of course, everything after that, his son and the detectives and all this stuff about the universe, had come as a complete shock. By now he should be completely numb. Yet as Richard recounted his own tales of high adventure by Svald's side he found himself once again confused and bewildered. Only in some sort of messed up fantasy world should such nonsense be allowed to occur.

"So he left a voicemail on my girlfriend's phone. Unfortunately, that ended up-"

"Wait, wait, the ghost left a voicemail?" Robert interrupted for the thrid time as Richard told the story of his boss's first death (whatever that meant).

"Yes, yes, now as I was saying-"

"I'm sorry this is a great story, I'd love to hear it all the way through sometime. It's just...should we be doing something?" He asked.

"Like what?" Asked Richard.

"I don't know. Destroying this place I guess." He shrugged.

"Ah, you're talking about this whole destroy Blackwing thing." Richard nodded.

"It's what the universe wants." Robert mumbled.

"The universe wants a lot of things. Trust me, Robert, once you start listening to what the universe tells you to do it's very hard to stop. If you know what's good for you you'll just keep on walking and do nothing." Richard explained. Robert nodded and continued aimlessly walking forward. He expected the tension to break and Richard to continue his story of ghosts and robots. No such luck. They walked together without a word, the alarms and red flashing lights forming hellish ambient music. Barely a minute passed before Robert couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm sorry I just...we can't just walk around until Dirk fixes everything and the alarms stop. When we were alone that Friedkin guy said that no-one ends up in Blackwing without a reason. That's got to mean us too right?" Robert asked frantically. There was an air of desperation in his voice that Richard recognised all too well. Everyone had a moment of panic when first properly entering the wonderfully whacky world of holistic detection. It was the moment when they decided whether they would escape back to normality or let the stream of creation swallow them whole. He could tell by Robert's words which one he had chosen.

"Alright, then do something. Do whatever you think the universe wants you to do." Said Richard.

"Okay, well if we're supposed to destroy this place then maybe...maybe..." Maybe what? He had absolutely no idea. He looked around for a clue. He was greeted with nothing but walls, walls and walls all around. Failing to think of anything else he kicked one with all his strength. It shattered and crumbled with ease. Clearly it was made up of little more than cheap plaster.

"There you go. Did that feel good?" Richard smiled falsely. 

"Yeah. It actually felt amazing. Thank you." Robert nodded. "Do you want a go?"

"No I..." Richard looked the corridor up and down. There was nobody around to stop him. Why not let a little anger out? He ran at the wall and punched it. Normally punching a wall would have hurt like crazy yet punching Blackwing's walls felt like little more than hitting air. Once again the plaster beneath caved in with little effort at all. "Oh yeah, that was good."

The two men continued to gleefully attack the fabric of the building. They kicked and punched and pushed, forming a two man demolition team. It was almost therapeutic. Dusty white powder painted the floor and graced the air. Onlookers would have called it chaotic, Richard and Robert considered it beautiful.

"Well isn't this nice?" A chilling voice asked. The two men stopped dead. As the dust settled they turned to face the stranger. At the end of the corridor stood Priest, smiling madly as he pointed a pistol in their direction. Ken stood behind him, bathed in red and black. He too pointed his gun towards them. No smile was worn on his face. "Sorry to interrupt you, gentlemen, but the fun is over. Consider yourself officially reprimanded."


	52. Wild as Fire, Defiant as Flame

room faster than anyone could have ever expected, yet that never seemed to be too much of a problem. They'd already opened the door, allowing white and grey twirls to roll out into the corridor. The group covered their mouths with their shirts to protect their lungs but the ventilation never allowed the toxins to get to dangerous levels. Even the heat of the inferno didn't seem to affect them. It turned everything to ash and dust, burning Blackwing's past sin by sin, leaving them feeling safe and clean.

"What's going on?" Farah appeared in the doorway, shortly followed by Mona. Smoked whirled around her ankles like a pool of water. She saw her friends gleefully throwing metal draws to the ground, she saw bright orange flame consume the left wall, and in the middle of it all she saw the paper mountain rising and falling as it shifted into place.

"Farah, it's so good to see you. Where have you been?" Dirk beamed.

"In the right corridor...where you told us to be." Farah replied cautiously. There was no way to properly relax when Dirk was smiling and excitable, which was a shame because smiling and excitable was Dirk's usual setting.

"We've been making friends." Mona added proudly.

"Well now you're here, with us, where you should be. Now grab a draw and chuck whatever's in there on the fire." He nodded rapidly like a child on the ultimate sugar high, another usual Dirk setting. Which was odd considering Dirk didn't seem to eat much of anything let alone sugar.

"Dirk, a fire in such a closed area is highly dangerous." Farah told him.

"This is Dirk and we're in Blackwing. Did you really think the results wouldn't be highly dangerous?" Asked Todd. Farah let out a deep, exhausted sigh. Of course she didn't. She never did.

"Hey, shape shifter lady, think this one is yours." Grinned Bart. She waved a little brown file high in the air. A sick feeling rose in Mona's stomach as she spotted her own childhood photo pinned in the corner, a tiny picture for an equally tiny girl. Just ten years old, her dark hair cut uncomfortably short due to regulation, her lips clearly far too pale even in black and white. She shook her head and snatched the file out of Bart's hand, committing to the plan in a split second of fear and anger. She threw it down into the firey pit. No more stupid short hair, no more unhealthy pale lips, no more frightened ten year old girl.

"Come on. It's not exactly like you can cause more damage." Said Todd.

"Now that's not true. In fact I'm pretty sure-" Her skin turned to ice as the all too familiar click of a gun cut the fun short. She slowly rised her hands high in the air, not daring to turn around. Everyone similarly assumed the position, everyone apart from the three ex-Blackwing projects. Call them brave or call them stupid, they were defiant. Mona took some degree of caution, she placed her hands up at shoulder height in the hopes it would be seen as a signal of peace. Not surrender, just peace. However, she refused to take the common sense decision of staying still. She nestled herself between her Blackwing companions, the two titans. Dirk, who had tried so hard to calm her when she was a child, and Bart, who she barely knew yet trusted completely. They offered no chance of peace, no hope of surrender. Bart's fists were curled and ready to strike. Dirk was not so violent but far from passive. There was something behind his eyes that nobody had seen since the outbreak, not quite fear, not quite fire, just a cold calculating glint like the shine of a knife. It was a hatred without rage, the most dangerous kind.

"Hey, guys." Grumbled Richard. He was surprisingly undeterred by the gun that was being pointed at every single one of them. This clearly wasn't the first time he'd been threatened.

"You not going to say hi to your friend, big guy?" Priest thumped Robert's shoulder causing him to jerk forward. He was doing a lot worse than Richard. He was trying and sadly failing to suppress on going trembles. It wasn't highly pronounced and no more than could be expected but enough for Priest to notice and take a sickening pleasure in.

"H-hey, guys." He stuttered.

"Now, children, why don't we put all this nonsense behind us and have a nice little chat."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ngl I'm probably going to end up stealing that chapter title back off myself at some point


	53. Playing for Time

The fire continued to roar in the corner and showed no signs of slowing down, yet a sudden chill came over the room with Priest's presence. Everyone knew that Dirk, Bart, and Mona were safe from Priest's gun, they were far too vital to Blackwing's continued existence, but one wrong move risked putting everyone else in danger. Priest knew it, he reveled in it.

"How did you find us?" Asked Todd.

"Well, let's ask Icarus shall we? Icarus, how do you think I found you so easily?" Priest grinned.

"I don't know." Dirk snapped back.

"Then try some deduction. Do you remember when you were little, when you were an iddy biddy child barely tall enough to reach my waist, and we had that conversation about what you wanted to be when you grew up? Do you remember what you said you wanted to be?" He asked.

"A detective. I've always wanted to be a detective." Dirk scowled.

"Now, Icarus, you know that isn't true. No I believe you wanted to be a secret agent like the ones your mummy watched on the TV. Do you remember why I said you couldn't do that?

"I wasn't subtle enough." Dirk muttered.

"You weren't subtle enough." He nodded. "It's hard to believe how right I was. I found these two idiots making a ton of noise kicking our walls down and you were virtually sending me smoke signals."

He pushed Richard and Robert forward forcing them into the tiny space. Farah was right, the rooms were extremely uncomfortable when everyone was crammed together.

"Bart, I know you're confused right now." Started Ken.

"No I'm not. I'm not confused at all." Refuted Bart.

"But if you just take my hand and come will me I promise there won't be any consequences...even though you killed a member of my staff and quite literally stabbed me in the back." He reached out his hand once more. He knew she was unarmed. While he had been far too late to see her lose her knife on the CCTV Enderson, a rare file reader among the gaggle of soilders, had been his relay as soon as he was aware of the problem. If Enderson knew then Ken knew. To say that Bart had only killed 'a' staff member was wildly outdated information.

"I'd stab you again if I could." She hissed. Ken nodded in silent defeat and let his free hand drop down to his side. Why did he ever think he could tame the wild beast twice?

Dirk was paying very little attention to this conversation. Not out of disinterest or rudeness, not entirely at least, but out of a need for a calculated plan. There were two sides to being a holistic detective. The first was the way he liked to be, the way he chose to present himself. It was choas, unpredictability, the feeling of being pushed to and fro by the stream of creation. Then there was the second side, the hidden side, the side that even his closet friends was yet to see. It was the ability to be completely still no matter how fast the world was moving. His surroundings could be loud but his mind would be quiet, the room could be crowded but he would be alone. It would just be him and the universe. Two sides, two competing entities, joined by a silent conversation as everyone argued around them.

There was something coming, that was incredibly clear. It was like a burning light in the corner of his mind, rushing towards them at an amazing speed. He didn't know what it was, he didn't even have a vague idea of what the options could be, but it was coming to save them, or at least attempt to. That just left one question: how to stall?

That instantly resulted in another question. Why hadn't they been moved yet? Blackwing didn't want them in a small room surrounded by smoke. Blackwing wanted the holistics locked away and God only knew what they wanted to do with the rest. So why were they still stood around talking?

The answer was obvious. They couldn't be moved, not yet. Two people couldn't shift a group like them alone, even if one of those people was Priest. They needed backup. The problem was backup had no desire to come. Everyone was running scared, hiding in dark corners and offices and wherever else they could be concealed. Dirk wasn't the one stalling, Priest and Ken were. As long as he could keep them that way they would live and live free.

"They've got no backup." He whispered.

"So?" Farah quietly hissed.

"So...so distract them."

"How?"

"He doesn't know." Todd butted in. "We'll just have to go with the flow."

Farah looked at Dirk and then back at their captures. She couldn't think of a way to get both of their attentions and hold it for an unknown period of time, not in such a small space. All she could think of was making a scene. She could cause a ton of noise and a ton of movement. It probably wouldn't last but as far as she could tell it was her only option. With a sudden fury she grabbed one of the few drawers that still remained in its spot and spun around like a mad woman. She could have hit them both right there and then but the distraction had to last. She released the drawer and let it fly through the air. With Priest and Ken's attention caught she made a break for the exit with no real illusion of getting out. Robert followed suit, much more hopeful of making an escape.

"What the- you stay there." Barked Priest as he gave chase. Ken's head whipped around left to right, his mind running at 100 miles per hour. To stay with his charges or catch his escapees? There was no solution where everyone won.

"Ken, you don't want to do this." Said Bart.

"I'm sorry. I have to." He replied. He was the supervisor. He shouldn't allow himself to be walked all over by a civilian. He sped down the hallway struggling to catch up with the rest. The prisoners, if they could call themselves that, took their opportunity and filtered out into hallway. Dirk stayed quiet. If something was going to come it would come. He wasn't going to risk his friends by sticking around for it.

"What do we do? Where do we go?" Asked Mona.

"Are you kidding? We run. We run in the other direction and fast." Answered Richard.

"No, we have to get Farah and Robert." Argued Todd.

"They put themselves in danger. This was their own desicion."

"That's not the point. They're our friends we have to-" Todd was cut off by the sound of a shout and struggle. Farah was speedy, incredibly so, but Robert was slow and distressed, he was easy prey. Priest grabbed him and pulled him back. He put his forearm around his throat to stop him from escaping. Robert twisted and turned in an attempt to get free yet nothing seemed to work.

"Let go of me you psycho." Robert demanded.

"Shut up or I'll kill you right here right now." Priest barked.

"Leave him alone." Shouted Farah. She doubled back on herself and attempted to rush to his aid. She'd barely moved more than two steps when she was stopped.

"Shut can shut your mouth too, buttercup." He smiled as he brandished his gun towards her. She froze. Satisfied he spun around to the rest of the group. "You three." He directed towards the ex-project. "Get in one of those offices and stay there until come get you. Got it?"

"Hey take it easy a little okay. We don't need to-" Ken started.

"Sir, with the greatest of respect you're way out of your depth. Just let me handle this okay?"

"No. You...you don't have the right-"

"A man who has been here as long as I have has the right to do whatever he pleases. You're soft, you've let everything get out of hand. It's choas. Keep going like this and everyone will get hurt. That's me saying that bare in mind. They'll tear the universe apart, they'll change everything we know, they'll-" His rant ended suddenly with a loud thud. Robert gasped as the pressure on his wind pipe was released and raced to the safety of the large group as Mr Priest crumpled to the ground. Dirk looked up sharply to see what had caused the noise. There it was. The shining racing something that the universe had sent for them.

"Dad."


	54. Chapter 54

"Svald, how did you get here?" Todd exclaimed. It was hard for him to contain his excitement. Todd had pinned Svald as a sarcastic bark zero bite kind of guy. Perhaps under normal, non-universe ending circumstances he'd be right. However, these weren't normal circumstances. Svald's bite was wild and raw as he stood where Priest had been, clutching a battered, clearly second hand baseball bat.

"I bought a ride. I think you'll like it." Svald smiled.

"Really? You bought a car?" Richard asked doubtfully. Presuming that Svald had the good sense to pick up his wallet when fleeing the house (and he hadn't lost it at any point recently) Richard highly doubted he had enough money to purchase anything resembling a functioning vehicle. Most weeks he barely made enough to pay rent.

"Alright, I stole a car. By the way the police might be after us."

"You'll get used to that, kiddo." Groaned Priest, despite the fact he and Svald were around the same age.

"I am used to it." He scowled as he towered over Priest.

"Do I know you?" He asked, his eyes squinted, his vision blurred. He looked a lot less threatening on the floor.

"Yes. I believe you do." Svald nodded firmly as he raised the bat and brought it down on Priest's head. It wasn't enough to do any long lasting, serious damage, at least he hoped not,  but it was enough to knock him out cold. "Now, what about him?" He asked, signalling towards Ken.

"Now, let's just stay calm and think about this." Said Ken. He backed up slowly, his hands firmly in front of him in a futile attempt to protect himself. There was very little he could do bar diving into one of the offices. That wouldn't keep him save, all it would do is buy them a few seconds. All he would do was hope Svald would be kinder to him than he had been to Priest.

"It's alright guys. I've got this." Said Bart as she brushed the group aside and started walking calmly towards him.

"Oh Bart, thank God. Let's just go and leave all this behind - woah, woah." His relief turned to dread as Bart snatched the gun from Priest's unconscious body and armed the loaded weapon directly at Ken's head.

"You can run if you like but...it's probably just going to make you tired before you die." She shrugged.

"Now, Bart, you don't want to do this." He said as calmly as possible under the circumstances. His voice shook like a leaf. She wouldn't miss, it didn't matter what he did. He could find someway to run as fast as lightening, he could do a flip or climb through the vents, it wouldn't make a difference. She wouldn't miss.

"You're right. I don't." But that clearly wasn't going to stop her. Her stance and tone didn't chance one bit.

"Are we just going to let this happen?" Asked Robert.

"It does certainly look that way, yes." Replied Svald.

"You can't be serious." Said Richard.

"It's a universe thing. We have no choice." Said Mona.

"I disagree. I disagree heavily." Ken frantically interjected.

"Universe thing?" Asked Robert.

"Holistic assassin." Answered Farah.

"Ah."

"Just...run or something." Said Bart. Ken noticed something that Bart had never done before. She was shaking. Her usually firm hands trembled as she grasped the gun as tight as she possibly could.

"You just said not to do that." Ken laughed nervously.

"I know what I said, Ken, just...go. Just do what I say." She shouted. Ken couldn't help but wonder what the consequences would be if he didn't do as he was told. 

"Okay you know what, this is a universe thing right? Nothing I say or do is going to change that so just...just do it. Just get it over with." Decided Ken. His actions wouldn't have made a lick of difference, he may as well go out at least pretending to be brave. He screwed his eyes up tight in order to appease the small, scared child in his mind who thought it would help. He knew it wouldn't. All he could do was wait. He waited for what felt like forever. Time dragged its feet as he waited for the world to come crashing down on top of him. Yet it didn't. The world kept turning and his heart kept beating and finally, finally came the words that saved his life.

"I can't." Bart admitted as she lowered her gun.

 

"Oh thank God because wasn't committed to that at all." Ken gasped as his eyes opened and the tension melted out of his body.

"Look, Bart, I don't want to kill anyone either." Said Todd.

"Are you sure? Because I don't even know this guy and I want him dead." Richard butted in.

"Agreed." Svald and Robert said in unison.

"But we have a mission remember? You're an assassin and he's the man behind Blackwing. Kinda makes sense you know?" Todd softly reminded her.

"I know what I am and I know what we're here to do." Bart snapped. "But I'm a holistic assassin and I kill who the universe wants me to. The universe isn't telling me to kill Ken. The universe was never telling me to kill Ken. It was telling me to kill Blackwing. Ken isn't Blackwing, he's just part of it, just everyone else." She explained.

"Well, how are we supposed to kill Blackwing?" Asked Mona.

"We're not. He is." Bart asserted, firmly pointing her finger at Ken.

"Me?" Ken asked nervously.

"Give me your phone." Bart demanded as she spun around to face Todd. He quickly took the starched mobile and handed it over as fast as he could. Without a 'thank you' she stormed over to Ken and reached it out in front of him. "Phone Wilson, arrange a meeting, shut it down."

"And if I don't?" Ken noted as Bart moved for her gun again and instantly made up his mind. "Okay, okay just...answer me this question. If I do this will you forgive me?"

"No, but you'll live at least." Ken nodded at this response and took the phone silently. A phone call for his life. It wasn't a bad deal.

"Hello, Wilson? Yes I understand you're busy but I need to talk to you urgently. Yes it is about Blackwing."


	55. The End Part 1: Beyond the Veil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just realised that this is the forty seconded story on this account and considering the author of the original Dirk Gently books I can't help but feel that's appropriate.

Ken had walked through the sterilized corridors of Wilson's base so many times that they were just as familiar as the main facility. Yet the sight of them made him sick as he headed to his meeting. He was alone now, there was no-one left to support him. He didn't even have Priest anymore. Turned out the government had no particular desire to spend time and money covering up another bout of reckless driving.

He gently pushed the door open trying to make a little noise as possible. Odds were he was about to piss Wilson off to a dangerous level, he may as push her wrath back as far as possible. There she sat at the end of the jet black table. From there it felt like she was miles away. The other chairs were still completely empty. When Priest first told him about the lack of staff Ken hadn't believed him, when he saw it himself he thought it was strange, now that everyone was missing for the third time it made him extremely uncomfortable.

"No committee?" He asked.

"I fired the committee. They bored me." She replied disinterestedly.

"Right. I get it, I get it." He nodded.

"I know you do, Adams. You didn't come here to make small talk did you?" Wilson scowled.

"No, no, of course not." Ken laughed nervously.

"Then what do you want? I already extended your jurisdiction and gave you that stupid convoy and I'm yet to see any solid results. Do you want more funding? More men? What?" She interrogated.

"I want to shut Blackwing down." He said firmly. Silence fell over the room. The air turned to ice as the pair stared at each other in anticipation of a response. Ken could almost see the gears click and grind behind her eyes. It was clear that her mind was burning. Yet openly she tried not to show it, not one bit.

"You want to do what?" She growled.

"I want to shut Blackwing down." He repeated slowly and calmly.

"And what makes you think you have the right?" She asked.

"I don't. Not even a little bit. I just hope you'll trust me."

"If you don't want to run the project anymore I'm perfectly willing to accept your resignation. You're replaceable." She informed him.

"And who would take my position? Priest?"

"Oh goodness no." Wilson grimaced in disgust.

"Then who? Would you bring Riggens back? If you accept this hypothetical resignation can you even guarantee you could find a replacement?" He questioned.

"I'm sure we'd figure something out. Blackwing can't be dissolved." She scowled.

"Then..." His mind whirled as he tried to think of a compromise. There was no way he could leave the building with Blackwing still as it was. "Perhaps we should move our focus away from the failed project based system."

"And change our goal to what exactly?"

"Supernatural and unexplained events. Now that our jurisdiction is increased the scope is wide. Did you know there in unregulated time travel going on in England? We should probably look into that." Ken explained.

"The government wants us to study the holistics."

"The government wants us to study exploitable supernatural occurrences I assure you I can deliver."

The room went quiet once again. It wasn't cold anymore. It was soft and considerable as Wilson mulled over Ken's words. Ken stood as straight as a soilder, hoping beyond hope that so many tiny pieces would fall into place. He hoped that Wilson would be reasonable, he hoped that his point of view had been well justified, and he hoped that after all the mistakes he had made the universe would accept his best efforts.

"Okay." Wilson finally responded. "It's done. I'll make a few phone calls; I'll get you new resources, new men, and get Project Veil up and running as soon as possible."

"Project Veil?" Asked Ken.

"I never really liked the name Blackwing. It always felt cursed to me." She told him.

"All right then." Ken smiled warmly. "Project Veil it is."


	56. The End Part 2: A Home for Everyone

It took nearly a whole year to get everything back to normal. Well, a vague attempt at normal at least. All in all Victoria's case had ended well. There had been no serious casualties and only Priest's life had been permanently negatively effected (and nobody felt particularly bad about that). However, it didn't end clean and smooth. There were nearly a hundred pieces littering the path back to normality. There were possessions that needed to be reclaimed, phone books that had to be corrected, passports that needed to be reapplied for (which considering the circumstances of their arrival back in America was extremely difficult), and then of course were the immigration papers.

The desicion to leave England had been hard and had generated an awful lot of discussion but Victoria and Robert were sure it was the right thing to do. As much as they wanted to be they were no ordinary family and Albert was no ordinary child. If they were going to care for him properly they couldn't leave him isolated in England with only two holistics to hand. They needed to raise him around people who understood. People like Amanda.

Amanda had been extremely busy in the months since Wendimoor. She'd met past projects, their children, and many holistics with no ties to Blackwing's history. She loved them, nurtured them, and through bartering, bribing, and legal loopholes found a place to train them. Her very own school for gifted youngsters. Of course Albert was far too young to attend but his name was marked down on the enrolment list and Amanda and the rowdy three were always close by, as were Dirk and Mona. Even Bart was willing to help out, though how reliable she would be was unclear. Albert would be safer around people like himself, safer and happier.

"Well I think that's all. Did I miss anything?" Asked Svald as he finished an approximately hour long advice talk that contained very little helpful information. He'd insisted on being involved in the move having taken his son's connection to the family as a sign from the universe. In fact he'd never been so committed to a case and the people involved in his life.

"What? No, no. Thank you, Svald." Yawned Robert as he snapped back to reality.

"Relax a little, Svald. Try and think of this as a vacation." Said Mona.

"This isn't a 'vacation'. Why would I take a holiday in America? It's far too big and there's too many people...and nobody pronounces aluminium correctly." Replied Svald.

"Why how do they say it here?" Asked Victoria.

"You don't want to know."

"It's been great seeing you again, Svald. Are you staying long?" Asked Todd.

"No, no. I'm actually taking sometime out of a case in Scotland." Svald explained.

"Scotland? Oh no...please don't say-".

"The Loch Ness monster is alive and well and stealing wedding rings."

"Yeah...I'm going to send you a PDF of an old case file. I think it might help." Todd nodded.

"Well I should really get going. I want at least one good night's sleep before my flight back to England. Goodbye all." He tipped his hat and picked up his battered brief case before making his way to the door.

"Bye Svald." The group chorused.

"Wait, hang on a second." Called Dirk as he ran to catch Svald outside. "Is that it? How long before I see you again?"

"Oh don't worry. I've got a feeling the American and UK divisions of Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency will work together again very soon." Svald smiled fondly.

"You think we'll get another case?' Asked Dirk.

"I think we already do." Svald reached down and opened his scratched case. From inside he carefully removed a perfectly preserved scrapbook which he placed in Dirk's hands. It felt incredibly fragile, like on overly fast page turn would rip it clean in half. Dirk lightly flicked through the pages. Glued there were even more pictures, all much less creased than the one he'd found in Svald's house. Pictures of him, pictures of Svald and his mother, Sarah, pictures of a childhood he couldn't remember.

"This family isn't complete." Said Svald. "Not yet. But it can be. With you here and me back over there."

"We can find her."

"Or at least find out what happened to her." Svald nodded. "I have to go, son, but I promise it won't be another thirty years before I see you again."

"It better not be." Dirk laughed.

Todd barely noticed how distracted Dirk was when he returned, partly because Dirk always seemed distracted. All he was interested in was finally officially closing Victoria's case so they could move on. They already had a new job and couldn't afford to be fall behind on paperwork.

"Am I okay to file this away?" Asked Todd.

"What? Oh, yes, of course." Dirk dismissed.

"Where do-"

"You know what to do." He said as he took the book upstairs. Todd looked at the file. According to the official filing system the trigger event should be the main factor, it should have been put in T for theft or D for disappearance. But screw the system, Todd knew where the file belonged. He smiled and placed the file under F for family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all folks. If you have any feedback or just want to comment I promise I read them all. Thanks for sticking with me for 56 whole chapters. Just knowing people are reading this at all is amazing


End file.
